The past few days have been a real eye opener for me. I have become good friends with my trainer from the gym. Initially, I wasn’t going to tell her about my depression and anxiety. I ended up telling her via a text and I was overwhelmed about how supportive and understanding she was. Part of me thought she would run a mile. She has been so encouraging and a real lifeline.
On the other hand, my best friend has completely let me down. I had to hand my notice in at work. I also worked with my best friend. My job was a major source of stress for me and it caused my breakdown. A few weeks ago I struggled with responding to texts let alone phone calls. My husband was the one who spoke to my best friend about everything going on with me. I was and still am embarassed, full of guilt and ashamed with how much I am struggling. Initially she reacted fine.
However, she took it upon herself to tell a mutual friend everything going on with me. She did this without asking if I was ok with this or to let me know she had done this. The days leading up to handing my notice in were extremely stressful. I managed to convince myself to go to a spin class. Everything in me was screaming to stay in bed away from the world. I felt proud of myself for going to the gym. I came home, got a shower and found that this mutual friend had turned up at my house, text me numerous times demanding I open my front door to her and rang me repeatedly. This was how I found out she knew about my struggle! I was on edge for days after. I couldn’t relax properly for days and kept panicking whenever I noticed any activity on my street. I cannot put into words how betrayed I felt by the whole thing. I had to get my husband to make phone calls saying that this had made me worse. I know that this friend was trying to help but I don’t think she would have done this if I was physically ill. I was not given an apology. I was instead told I was being harsh. After this, my best friend repeatedly tried to bully me into allowing her to come to see me. I explained that at that point in time I was not up to seeing her. I made the stupid mistake of using excuses to say she couldn’t come round when she wouldn’t take on board that at that moment it was too much for me to see her. The excuse I used was that I was having a training session with my trainer. It was a white lie as I did do an hour of boxing with her but earlier on to the time she insisted she came round to see me. I was then made to feel guilty – if I can see my trainer I can see her.
I ignored this and eventually had to phone my husband and say that my best friend could come round if he was there. The whole thing made me anxious. She came round for a matter of 10 minutes and it was awkward. My depression and anxiety make me overly paranoid. I have a constant fear that people are staring at me or talking about me. I felt my best friend had broke my trust and I was paranoid that if she could go behind my back and tell a mutual friend about me then she could be telling others. It was playing on my mind all over Christmas and new year.
I decided to ask her if she had told anyone else. She explained that her fiance knew and no one else. She even apologised for telling our mutual friend. At first, I felt we were getting back on track. She then took it upon herself to have a go at me saying that I was being harsh on our mutual friend. Looking back, I feel that she was goading me. I decided to be honest. I said that she had broke my trust and that it was not her information to share. Her response was:
– I never talked to her about how my depression and anxiety affected her
– I never apologised to her
– I never spared a thought for her
I cannot describe how upset the whole conversation made me. I barely slept and lay awake crying for hours. I lay in bed thinking that I am a shit person and don’t deserve to live.
My gym trainer had said to get in touch whenever I need to. I sent her the texts and my responses. This all happened when my husband was asleep as he had work early the next day. She couldn’t believe the stuff my best friend said. I have only known my gym trainer properly for about 4 months. She said my best friend probably feels guilty for breaking my trust.
When my alarm woke me up this morning to go the gym I had to fight the overwhelming urge to turn over and go back to sleep. I had an awful day yesterday. I didn’t eat properly and I was having suicidal thoughts. I spent most of the time at my gym classes feeling incredibly anxious. When I went to leave the gym after the classes, my trainer came over to talk to me. She told me I had nothing to apologise to my best friend for. When we were walking out some people in the gym stopped to speak to her. My anxieties were already at an all time high. I left her to speak to them. She had text me to ask if I had left the gym a few minutes later. I apologised for going without saying bye and that I was struggling with my anxiety. I also apologised for taking up so much of her time. Pretty much all the time I am constantly overwhelmed with guilt. Part of the text back said “you’re still the same person to me” which was a really nice thing of her to say to me. She also said that it was ok if I wanted to leave the gym and that it is ok if I want to talk to her.
A lot of the time I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like a failure – as a person, as a wife, as a friend, as a professional. Any confidence I did have has been stripped away completely. I have this constant negative voice in my head chipping away at me. I question everything and everyone. I feel pathetic and weak. I am scared a lot. I worry I will end up alone. The future terrifies me. It is so draining even getting through each day. So many times I have thought what is the point? I am just a burden on those around me. It must be so fucking annoying listening to me going on about the crazy shit in my head. I worry I am pushing everyone away.
I wouldn’t wish depression and anxiety on anyone. So for my best friend to want me to apologise is beyond hurtful. There have been times recently that I struggled to get out of bed. I went days without showering, getting dressed or eating properly. So how was I expected to ask my best friend how my depression and anxiety was affecting her when I couldn’t function on a basic level? That was before I had the two weeks when I restarted my antidepressants and felt even worse then doubling my dosage.
I don’t have the energy to salvage the relationship with my best friend. I am not sure I want her in my life after the hurtful messages she sent me. The messages from her have sent me right back in my attempts to recover. It has also highlighted that I don’t want to confide in anyone else that I have depression and anxiety. If my best friend could react like this, why would anyone else be sympathetic or understanding?