Love or hate it, facebook is a massive part of our lives now. I was an avid fan of it. That was until my relapse in December. Before this, I used Facebook frequently. I checked numerous times on any given day, I communicated with family and friends throughout the world and shared the goings on in my life on it.
However, throughout December I felt Facebook was becoming more of a hindrance for a number of reasons. I was on it so much constantly checking what others were saying and doing. Everybody seemed so happy and why shouldn’t they be? It was Christmas and new year after all. This made me even more unhappy.
Another thing I started to dislike about facebook was the level of ease with which people could find out what I was doing and with whom. I never tagged myself at places on facebook. I had no control of people tagging me at places though. Even if I opted to not add these tags to my own timeline, mutual friends could see who I was with and where whether I wanted to or not.
Facebook has become the go to way to get in touch with someone. I was finding this more and more problematic. You can see when messages have been read. At a time when I was struggling so much, facebook was adding to my stress levels. I didn’t know what to say in response to certain messages that friends had sent to me. It is also so easy to misinterpret messages on there when you have none of the non verbal communication that goes alongside talking to someone face-to-face.
All of the above came to a head when the fallout with my ‘best friend’ happened. I was being made to feel bad/guilty about things she had seen I had done on facebook such as going the gym or seeing other friends. The level of upset helped me make my decision to deactivate my facebook. It was becoming detrimental to my wellbeing.
So how is my life without facebook? I have been off facebook for about 10 days now. What I can say is life does goes on! I won’t lie though. The first few days without facebook I found it odd not going on to check it. But, I soon got used to not doing it. Infact, I can now see how much facebook had a hold of my life. My relationships with others have improved as a result of not being on it. Facebook means you know every little detail about others lives. Why would I then ask my friends how they are, what they have been up to etc when it is all there for me to see? Friends and family text and phone me a lot more now.
On Saturday my husband and I went the harvester for our tea with two friends. In the past, I would have had my phone out. I would have checked facebook a number of times without a second thought of how it would detract from the conversation at the time. I didn’t have my phone out at all. Infact, I found it annoying whenever someone got ended up on their phone.
When I was talking to a friend about why I had deactivated my facebook, she said I shouldn’t of had to do this. That other people have no right to make me guilty. I can see her point but right now I am not strong enough to deal with the drama that comes with being active on facebook. I know that eliminating things that result in any negativity for me is the only way forward if I want to recover.
A life without facebook resulted in me having a much more settled week. I felt able to engage in conversations with others at the gym. I actually felt more settled and I was heading in the right direction.
But what cropped up on Saturday? Facebook. My mum sent my husband a facebook message to say that my best friend’s mum had messaged her regarding our fallout and was there anything they could do to help. My husband made it clear that I was doing a lot better being left alone and my mum completely agreed. My best friend then messaged my husband…
My husband told my best friend exactly how it is for me. My best friend turned it back on herself and her wedding in August. She did not apologise for the things she had said to me. Infact, she did not seem bothered at the impact her words had had on me.
Initially I felt that I would be ok dealing with this situation. But by yesterday evening it had taken its toll. I was feeling dizzy and faint. I had a poor appetite and a headache. I was so tired. I had planned on doing an Insanity class yesterday morning at the gym. However, I struggled to fall asleep on Saturday night and I woke up early yesterday. I decided to give the gym a miss. I have had another bad night’s sleep and my anxiety is bad. I am going the gym this evening and I am hoping this will help.
I feel I am back at square one. I feel like I did when my best friend first had a go at me. I have decided that I can’t have my best friend in my life anymore. A friend would not make me feel so bad about myself when I am at my lowest. I don’t trust her now. She has contradicted herself so much that as a result I am unsure where I stand with her.
A friend summed it up quite nicely when I told her that I couldn’t be friends with her anymore – I think that is the right thing to do. You don’t need all this. It will be making things worse. She clearly doesn’t understand at all does she. She didn’t stop for one second to think what might benefit you! No she was too busy trying to be the star ‘helper’ in this little drama she’s created!
Part of me is sad that things have ended up like this. However, I know that this is the right thing to do. I need people around me who will be here for me through the good and the bad. I would rather have fewer good friends then loads of unsupportive ones.
So will I go back on facebook? For the foreseeable future I won’t be. Right now, I am taking each day at a time rather than thinking ahead. It is too overwhelming to think about the future.