Removing toxic people

 I came across this a few months ago. Ironic that this would apply to somebody I considered like a sister. But this sums up exactly why I had to remove my best friend from my life. 

I didn’t intend to discuss her ever again in my blog. This will definitely be the last time I bring her up again though. Even when told that I needed space at the moment she kept badgering my husband. I could understand if it was out of concern for me or our friendship. No. It was for her wedding. Literally 24 hours after my husband ignored her first message she messaged again about her wedding. 

I was anxious as hell anyway, but when I found out when I was just about to drive the gym it made me so angry. I was smacking my steering wheel and screaming when driving, something I am not proud to admit. Even when given a no holds barred account of my situation my supposed best friend didn’t understand the seriousness. 

I went the gym and was completely distracted by the whole thing. I decided that enough was enough. I sent her a message when I got home. It said the following:

“Please stop messaging myself and my husband. I am not well and I’m trying to get better and you are not helping at all. I find the things you said to be very hurtful and you have shown no understanding or care towards what I am dealing with. Instead you have just focused on yourself. I am not well enough to deal with any of this. I cannot be your friend let alone your bridesmaid as a result of the drama you have created. Myself, my husband, my Mum and sister won’t reply to any further messages you send.”

I took advice from my sister regarding what to say. I came back from the gym in tears. My sister is a really calm, reasonable person. I didn’t want to become hurtful and nasty just because my best friend had been that way towards me. I felt that my message was to the point. Plus no response equals no drama, which is something she clearly thrives on. 

There are some people that might think I am too harsh. I am now no longer friends with someone I have been good friends with for four and a half years. Yes she has helped me loads in the past and we had some amazing times together. But all of that doesn’t give her the right to throw it back in my face. A best friend shouldn’t have me hysterically crying or feeling guilty about steps I have taken to aid my recovery regardless of whether that involves her or not. 

I know I have made the right decision. I have felt like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders since sending the above message. My husband has been left alone. My parents phoned me last night and noticed I sounded more like myself. 

I won’t pretend that everything is great now that she is out of my life. I still have depression and anxiety. But I now feel able to deal with it. I am in control more. I have had quite a busy day today though and I think it is evident in my anxiety levels. I try hard to put on a front around others and it is draining. I am still struggling to fall asleep at night even when I am tired. It’s like my mind won’t switch off. I have finally received my counselling assessment appointment which is next week. I know this is a positive step forward but I am also filled with dread and apprehension when I think about it.

My paranoia is worse than normal at the moment. I feel overly self conscious in the gym. It’s horrible. However, I am trying really hard to not let it stop me going the gym. I am in need of new trainers for the gym. The ones I am wearing are about a year old and completely unsuitable to my workouts now. I have had sore knees at times and pain in the front of my right shin. I’m hoping that some new more suitable trainers will help lift my mood. I plan on heading out a bit early before my two classes tomorrow evening. That way I will have worn them in before my charity challenge on Saturday. 

I am going to get back to watching Rocky II. I am planning on watching as many of the Rocky films as I can as a sort of motivator for Saturday!

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