Good old anxiety. I knew as soon as I woke up yesterday that I was going to have to try really hard to not let my anxiety win. I didn’t want to get out of bed when I woke up. I didn’t see much point. I was having to force myself to eat. I didn’t have an appetite but I know that given my active lifestyle I need to keep eating. I was in tears a lot yesterday.
It is scary when you cannot pinpoint what it is exactly that is making you feel so scared and anxious or what triggers it. The severe anxiety can lead to frequently feeling suicidal. I sometimes find it hard to see the point in going on like this. It’s hard to see any way out of all this. I also think a lot of the time that my family and friends would be better off without me. I am just a burden, an inconvenience.
I did go and get new trainers. I forced myself to go and felt on edge the entire time. I ended up going with these:
My knees were sore again after my classes. I messaged my trainer last night about it. She thinks that it will take time for the sore knees to subside. She has said to rest more. I am having a rest day before the charity event tomorrow. Emotionally, I could also do with having a day that I don’t have to go out given my high anxiety levels. I am also going to have more rest days in between gym days to allow my knees recovery time.
I couldn’t wait to get home after the gym last night. I still felt anxious after working out which is such a horrible feeling. My anxiety last night had me contemplating not taking part in the charity event tomorrow. However, as much as my anxiety is telling me not to bother, I would like to think that completing this challenge will be of more benefit to me then not doing it if that makes sense. I am hoping that I will have a confidence boost from it. I am worried about tomorrow. There will be 40 people taking part which is a lot given the space of the studio. I feel panicky if I don’t have what I deem enough personal space.
Today my anxiety isn’t as bad as yesterday. I have more of an appetite and I am more relaxed. I find it hard at my lowest to see how things are going to improve and how I will ever feel better. It scares me how my mood can go from bad to worse. It is at an alarmingly fast rate and it just spirals out of control.