It is becoming increasingly more difficult for me to be in the gym. I always considered it a sanctuary of sorts so it really upsets me that it is now a source of anxiety. I hate how self conscious I feel. Most days that I go the gym the self conscious thoughts subside as a class goes on. They kept popping back into my head today.
I know that I put pressure on myself. My knees are still not back to normal so I am working out 4 days a week rather than my usual 6. I am hoping this will help my current mental state. I am struggling to fall asleep at night. Most mornings I wake up feeling tired. It’s like I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep. I suffer with night terrors and have done since I was a child. My husband has said I am having more night terrors. I am also talking and shouting in my sleep. I wonder if this is playing a part in my anxiety levels. I am seeing my GP next week so I am going to mention it to him.
My mood comes crashing down after nice experiences. I then find it hard to get out of it. I feel guilty a lot of the time. I am forever apologising to my husband and he is forever telling me I have nothing to apologise for. I don’t understand why he puts up with all this shit from me.
Sometimes I really want to talk to someone. But I don’t even know where to begin. I am too scared to fully open up to people for fear of pushing people away. I don’t trust anyone besides my husband. I will not make the mistake of opening up about how I feel. Look what happened when I did – I was talked about behind my back, made to feel guilty and then was on the receiving end of nasty comments. I don’t like to burden my husband. He works long hours and we don’t get much time together as a result. I also don’t want him to feel more helpless then he already does.
Sorry for the randomness of this blog. It probably doesn’t make much sense. There I go again apologising 😛 Here’s hoping a chill out day tomorrow will help me feel less anxious. I refuse to let my anxiety and depression stop me going to the gym. It has too many benefits including making me feel that I am good at something. I don’t feel that I am good at anything these days.