Relaxing, respite and reading

My chill out day on Tuesday resulted in me in tears. I watched some films, read my kindle and tried to relax. I find it hard to relax. I am crying most days. I then find it hard to stop. I cried driving home from the gym yesterday. 

It’s made me think that I might need to increase my medication. I am currently taking 30mg of mirtazapine. Part of me is reluctant to increase the dosage. When I went from 15mg to 30mg I felt really dizzy, spaced out and tired. Maybe I need to consider a different medication. I am definitely going to discuss it with my GP on Monday.

Wednesdays always leave me exhausted. I go the gym in the morning and I do respite for a 12 year old boy with autism and ADHD for 3 hours when he gets home from school. I have been providing respite for this boy for 3 and a half years. He helps distract me but due to the nature of his autism and ADHD I am tired by the time I get home at around 7.30pm. He is a well behaved boy but he is full on. But, I can’t let him down. Every Wednesday he will always say, “I’ve been looking forward to seeing you”. This is such a big deal. Due to his autism he finds it difficult to express how he feels. He has made massive progress and I am so proud of him. I would rather be worn out and tired then to disappoint him by not taking him out. Plus he never fails to bring a smile to my face and to make me laugh. I have had to give up my main job as it was impacting on me in such a bad way. I feel ridiculous that I am essentially only working 3 hours a week.

Before I did respite yesterday I had my counselling assessment appointment. It went ok. If anything it highlighted how much I am struggling. I had to drive to a health centre around 5 miles away from my house. I am not familiar with the area and as such this just added to my anxiety levels. During my appointment I was asked a series of questions. I now have to wait for my first counselling appointment which will be near where I live. 

I was worn out after this appointment. I wanted to go home and sleep before doing respite. I worried that this would be detrimental so I went and got a drink in starbucks and read my kindle. This is a big deal for me. I don’t like being out on my own at the moment. I carry my kindle with me whenever I am out now. I’ve always loved reading and it is something that does help distract me if I am not too tired. 

I have a busy weekend ahead. We are going round to our friends house on Saturday. They have a little boy who is nearly 2 and he is my godson. On Sunday my husband and I are seeing two other friends. Part of me doesn’t want to go out at all. I don’t want any demands on me that socialising inevitably brings. I am still tired all the time. I have had a headache since last night. I am fed up of waking up exhausted. It’s frustrating that I feel so low constantly when I am trying so hard. 

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