For the first time in I don’t know how long, I have felt like the dark cloud that has been surrounding me has lifted some what.
I was on the verge of tears when getting ready to go the gym last night. I hadn’t felt so anxious about leaving the house. I got in the car. I blasted Bullet for my Valentine. I drove to the gym.
My friend who is a trainer at the gym asked me if my knees were still bothering me. I said that they were. There were other people around and I didn’t feel able to say anything else. I was worried about getting upset. I knew if I did I would have gone straight home.
It was so good to feel my anxiety levels lower after doing BodyPump. I then did BodyAttack and this also helped. I didn’t feel self conscious. Exercising had finally distracted me again 🙂
I felt that I might have come across as rude to my friend at the gym. I messaged her, apologising if I seemed rude and explained that I am struggling a lot at the moment. She told me not to apologise, that she can see I have been struggling and understands that I need to be left alone sometimes. She reiterated that she is there for me when I need her. I expressed my worries that I bother her when she is busy. She then said that I don’t bother her and that she sees me as a friend that she is really glad to have made.
I need to realise how lucky I am that I have such a nice friend. Part of me has seen my gym trainer as just that and not a friend. But the fact she tells me frequently that I am her friend is something I am grateful for. I think a part of me is scared to open up to her fully after what happened recently with so called friends.
Today I went for lunch with my parents and sister. I had a nice time too. Part of me feels guilty for having a nice time. Like I don’t deserve to because I am not working.
I feel more positive. The feeling of dread about this weekend isn’t there right now. I am looking forward to spending the weekend with my husband and some good friends. It would be stupid of me to think that my anxiety and depression has gone. I have a long road ahead of me. It’s just nice to have times where anxiety and depression don’t have such an impact me.