Ups and downs

I know that the best thing for me to do is keep busy. It’s hard to want do things when my depression and anxiety have kicked in. I didn’t let depression or anxiety change my plans that my husband and I made at the weekend. There were times I was close to having a panic attack, completely on edge or crying my eyes out. 

On Saturday after the gym I waited round until everyone else had left so I could talk to my gym trainer friend. We had a really frank and open conversation about how I have been. It’s the first time I have ever talked so open about my depression and anxiety to anyone else beside my husband. 

I decided to message my friend later on and suggest meeting up. This is a big deal for me. My depression and anxiety would like nothing better then for me to sit in the house. To hide away from the world. My depression and anxiety tell me that I am worthless. Why would anyone want to spend time with me? Maybe it was all the endorphins running through my body that gave me the courage to do something I was scared of doing. I suggested to my friend about going starbucks or for lunch if she had enough free time. I went on to say that I am determined to recover and keeping busy will help. My friend replied that she was actually going to suggest doing something if I was up to it. Next Thursday we are going to go for lunch 🙂 I was waiting for my friend to ignore my message or not suggest a day so soon. Initially, she suggested meeting up over half term. But, when she realised it was a good few weeks away she suggested next Thursday. 

I saw my GP this afternoon. I was very honest about things – I struggle to sleep, everything is such an effort, I am extremely tearful etc. He is a really good GP and I feel I can be totally honest without being judged. He suggested changing my antidepressant. He said that after around 6 weeks of being on Mirtazapine I should have noticed a difference. He went on to say that I seemed the same as when I went to see him at the beginning of December, when I started back on Mirtazapine. I am going to be coming off Mirtazapine and starting Citalopram. My GP has warned me that my anxiety might increase while my body gets used to Citalopram. I am terrified. But I am hoping that Citalopram will have a positive impact on me in the long run. I also got my GP to look at my knees. My gym trainer friend looked at them and she thinks it is ligaments/muscles that support the knees need strengthening. She said to get my knees checked out to confirm this so then she can show some leg strengthening exercises. My GP agreed with my friend so on Thursday I am going to get the gym a bit earlier before classes start so that she can show me the exercises. 

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