Crashing down

I had been doing really well. I had some minor side effects coming off Mirtazapine. I halved my dosage for six days then started on Citalopram as advised by my GP. I experienced some headaches and nausea but I could deal with it. I had actually started sleeping better. 

My knee pain is subsiding. I have been doing leg strengthening exercises and they have been helping. This had been making the gym more enjoyable. I felt stronger and able to push myself. 

I was supposed to go for lunch with my friend today. She ended up cancelling. I was sceptical it was going to happen when she wouldn’t commit to a time and place to meet when we had spoke at the gym earlier in the week. I then got a message saying she had forgot about a hairdresser appointment and thought it was next Thursday. She said she was really sorry and could we swap and do lunch another Thursday. 

It was incredibly hard to put myself out there and suggest meeting up with someone. I have a constant voice in my head telling me that no one cares or wants to spend time with me. I am not a fun person to be around. It probably sounds ridiculous to those who have not experienced depression or anxiety but even something planned well in advance brings about a lot of anxiety and worry on my part. I stress about everything. Things that other people would probably not even think about. It’s like a constant voice in my head. 

I had battled with all of this and told myself I was determined to go for lunch. I am on such a downer now. I haven’t eaten in nearly 24 hours as I have no appetite what so ever. At this rate I will not be going the gym tonight. I can’t face my friend after she cancelled lunch today. I don’t have the energy to pretend I am fine with people at the gym. I wish I hadn’t bothered getting out of bed today. I sat in tears earlier until I couldn’t cry anymore.

I am gonna leave my friend to initiate contact with me about rearranging lunch. I’m not holding out though. I wish I could say that part of me is glad that I didn’t have to go out and face the world. But the truth is, it’s just made me feel even more inadequate and useless as a person. I refuse to put myself in a potential situation like this again. I will leave it to my friends to get in touch with me to arrange meeting up. That way, I am not left feeling at rock bottom again. I have been trying to recover and it seems like there are so many obstacles being put in my way. 

Although I am really not in a good place right now, I feel I have made the right choice by switching to Citalopram. I have only been on it for a matter of days and I know that my body will be getting used to it. I think this might be playing a part in my current mood. I just don’t know how to get out of this rut. 

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5 thoughts on “Crashing down

  1. The rain may fall; the day may be a strain,
    But, don’t you fret, come tomorrow, the sun will shine again!

    I don’t normally do this, but reading your blog today really struck a chord with the problems I face on a daily basis. So much so, I felt I should message! These two lines have brought me much hope when the days get tough. I’ve been struggling with depression for a while now, and I’ve felt exactly how you have described. Writing certainly helps. It gives me peace of mind when I’ve got my feelings down on paper, and only through spreading what it feels like to live with depression can we all overcome the illness. In silence we suffer. Remember you are not alone. Take care

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    • Thank you so much Matt. I am glad to hear I am not alone even if inside my constantly noisy mind I feel that I am. Things can only get better if right now I feel like rock bottom x

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      • I know exactly what you mean. If today’s the worst day in the world, then tomorrow can only be better. Surround yourself with the right people and your rehabilitation will be so much easier. And keep writing. Don’t be afraid to talk about how you feel, there’s no reason to hide. Depression isn’t a weakness, it’s an indiscriminate illness. Take your time, the most important thing is to get it right. Thanks

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  2. The blog has helped me massively. It has opened my eyes to how many people are going through similar things to me. I also like to think I will look back at the current posts when a future me has made a recovery and see how far I have come. If you ever need a chat don’t be afraid to say so. Your words have been so nice to read so if I can help you at all let me know x

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    • Yes I couldn’t agree more. I think I read somewhere that 1 in 10 people will suffer from a mental health problem at some point in their lives. Since speaking out, a friend of mine has also told me that she is a fellow sufferer. As bad as this sounds, it is reassuring to know that someone else feels the same way. Thank you Gemma, I really appreciate that, it’s very kind of you. And of course, I’d be more than happy to help if you fancy a chat. Wishing you all the best

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