Helpless

I went the gym last night. I managed to eat before. I really didn’t want to go. But a part of me thought that why should I not go when I have done nothing wrong. My friend was in the changing rooms when I went to put my bag in a locker. But the layout of the changing rooms meant that I got away with making out I hadn’t seen her. She then saw me when I went to get water. She was really apologetic and chatty. 

I didn’t talk to her at the end of the classes. I have decided that unless she initiates a conversation with me I won’t be waiting round to talk. I wasn’t so angry by the end of the classes. But the gym hadn’t helped improve my mood. 

I was worn out after yesterday. Yet I have had a terrible night’s sleep. I couldn’t fall asleep for ages. I just lay there in the dark crying feeling completely helpless. Suicidal thoughts run through my head and they have been there on and off for days now. I woke up this morning with a headache. My appetite is still bad. The idea of eating makes me feel sick. 

Is this going to be my life now? Full of despair, fighting a constant battle in my head and not wanting to leave the house or see people? When my family phone I pretend I’m fine. I can’t bring myself to tell them how bad I am. It won’t achieve anything except make them worry more. They live 15 miles away from Dave and I and they are all busy with their own lives. I am still waiting for my first counselling appointment. I do want to make a recovery. I need help in changing my negative thinking patterns and dealing with situations that upset me.

Dave and I have no plans this weekend. I don’t know if this is a good thing or not. Dave doesn’t want to push me too much right now. Yet, I know he is concerned that I am so reluctant to leave the house. 

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4 thoughts on “Helpless

  1. It feels odd to “Like” a persons blog when they are writing about their struggle. I felt the need to explain that I appreciate your honesty with your words. As someone who fights depression and anxiety daily , you made me feel as though I’m not so alone after all. Thank you.

    Like

    • Glad to have helped. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. As you have read, I am struggling a lot at the moment. Your kind words are very much appreciated x

      Like

  2. The Professionally Depressed Professional says:

    I know exactly how you feel, and sometimes you just have to go with the flow of that darkness to get to the other side. Hang in there.

    Like

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