Being around people is too much for me right now. I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep the all is well with me mask on. The sense of dread I have about going round to our friends tomorrow evening is overwhelming. My friend’s daughter who is 4 will be there. This will probably be a good distraction. It will mean we can’t talk about anything too serious. These friends don’t know about my depression and anxiety.
The worries about going out or seeing people run through my head a lot. I worry about making a fool of myself or people laughing at me. My self image is still bad. I constantly feel fat and guilty whenever I eat. When I was ill it was even worse as I couldn’t go the gym. It was like I didn’t deserve to eat as I was sat in the house.
My cold has finally gone. I went back to the gym last night. My knee had been alright until yesterday. I took my respite kid out for the day. I guess my knee didn’t like me being on my feet all day. It feels like the muscles in the back of my knee are tight. I didn’t use any weights during the leg track in pump. I opted for the low impact variations during attack. As much as it annoyed me, my knee would probably hate me if I started doing tuck jumps and burpees.
I got my hair cut today. I have had a lot cut off the length. I worry I look stupid and don’t suit it. It’s making me anxious about going the gym and to see our friends tomorrow.
So I have to wait 7 weeks for my counselling. Really helpful that when I will be in Australia in 7 weeks time. Dave phoning up the counselling service was a waste of time. They phoned me and told me exactly what they told Dave.
I know that talking about everything in my head will help. I’m in my head a lot and find it hard to snap out of it. I wish I hadn’t told my gym trainer friend about my depression and anxiety. She hasn’t rescheduled lunch with me. It doesn’t make me feel valued as a person. It’s like I am not worthy of her time.
I’m not going to just moan about how bad I am feeling. I am going to make a conscious to mention something positive each time I blog.
Dave’s birthday is in a few weeks. I’m looking forward to spending some extra time together. Dave hates his birthday and being made a fuss of. He is going to decide if we go out for tea. Knowing him, we’ll probably get pizza in. I have his birthday presents sorted.
In 6 weeks time we go to Australia for the easter holidays. I cannot wait to get away from here. Some sunshine will do me a world of good. It is actually our honeymoon which we intentionally booked for 6 months after the wedding. I can’t believe how quickly it’s come around. We are staying with family in Brisbane and also hopefully getting to go to Sydney. Dave and I need to go through all our summer clothes so we can see if we need to buy anything else. I am hoping that I don’t need to buy much more. I had to buy loads of summer clothes because of the weight I lost. But I definitely need more bikinis as I only have one.