I started this blog just over two months as a way to help aid my recovery. There was no expectation on my part that others would even read my posts let alone follow my blog. So to have 99 followers from all over the world is incredible. Thank you all for taking time out of your day to read my posts.
Dave left me this note on our full length mirror:
This note has made me realise how much my eating and poor body image are having an impact on me.
Initially when I became ill and had issues with medication I experienced a poor appetite. This was a genuine side effect of the anti depressants I was taking. As my depression and anxiety has raged on my self esteem is now at its lowest.
I have mentioned before that I lost a lot of weight (4 stone) during 2013. This was done in the right way – changed my diet and exercised regularly. When I am thinking rationally I know that right now I am not eating enough. Yet a part of me has this overwhelming fear of putting back on all the weight I have lost. I wear UK size 10 clothes. I even own some size 8 tops. But this does not stop the recurring thoughts I have. Just some of these thoughts:
“I am not in proportion”
“My thighs are too chunky”
“My stomach isn’t flat enough”
“My arms aren’t toned enough”
As a result I look in the mirror a lot. Even more so when I am leaving the house. I sound vain don’t I? But I honestly think that I do not see myself as everyone else sees me. Dave tells me all the time how fantastic I look. And do you know what I do? I dismiss the comments. I argue with Dave. I totally disagree with him.
During CBT sessions so far we have briefly touched on this. By disagreeing with Dave I am making out that his opinions do not matter. I am currently trying to just say thank you to people whenever they give me a compliment.
A part of me knows I am putting my body at risk. I try to eat as little as possible yet I am still doing a lot of high intensity classes at the gym. I feel like my attitude to food is spiralling out of control. I don’t make proper meals. I get so angry with myself if I eat certain things. The guilt I feel when I eat is truly awful.
I decided to tell Dave that food is now becoming a huge issue for me. I have been trying to hide it from him. He doesn’t need anything else to worry about. I am going to bring it up during my next CBT session and at my GP appointment in two weeks time. Dave has said he does not know what to do about it. He had noticed my weight has been dropping each week recently. He now just makes me food or gives me a choice of what food he will make for me. I think he picked up on the fact that when he was asking if I wanted something to eat I would always so no.
Sometimes it feels like one thing after another. Other times it feels like I have so many issues at play at the same time.