I’ve got 99 followers and another lovely note

I started this blog just over two months as a way to help aid my recovery. There was no expectation on my part that others would even read my posts let alone follow my blog. So to have 99 followers from all over the world is incredible. Thank you all for taking time out of your day to read my posts. 

Dave left me this note on our full length mirror:



This note has made me realise how much my eating and poor body image are having an impact on me. 

Initially when I became ill and had issues with medication I experienced a poor appetite. This was a genuine side effect of the anti depressants I was taking. As my depression and anxiety has raged on my self esteem is now at its lowest. 

I have mentioned before that I lost a lot of weight (4 stone) during 2013. This was done in the right way – changed my diet and exercised regularly. When I am thinking rationally I know that right now I am not eating enough. Yet a part of me has this overwhelming fear of putting back on all the weight I have lost. I wear UK size 10 clothes. I even own some size 8 tops. But this does not stop the recurring thoughts I have. Just some of these thoughts:

“I am not in proportion”

“My thighs are too chunky”

“My stomach isn’t flat enough”

“My arms aren’t toned enough”

As a result I look in the mirror a lot. Even more so when I am leaving the house. I sound vain don’t I? But I honestly think that I do not see myself as everyone else sees me. Dave tells me all the time how fantastic I look. And do you know what I do? I dismiss the comments. I argue with Dave. I totally disagree with him. 

During CBT sessions so far we have briefly touched on this. By disagreeing with Dave I am making out that his opinions do not matter. I am currently trying to just say thank you to people whenever they give me a compliment. 

A part of me knows I am putting my body at risk. I try to eat as little as possible yet I am still doing a lot of high intensity classes at the gym. I feel like my attitude to food is spiralling out of control. I don’t make proper meals. I get so angry with myself if I eat certain things. The guilt I feel when I eat is truly awful. 

I decided to tell Dave that food is now becoming a huge issue for me. I have been trying to hide it from him. He doesn’t need anything else to worry about. I am going to bring it up during my next CBT session and at my GP appointment in two weeks time. Dave has said he does not know what to do about it. He had noticed my weight has been dropping each week recently. He now just makes me food or gives me a choice of what food he will make for me. I think he picked up on the fact that when he was asking if I wanted something to eat I would always so no. 

Sometimes it feels like one thing after another. Other times it feels like I have so many issues at play at the same time. 

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8 thoughts on “I’ve got 99 followers and another lovely note

  1. Congratulations on getting so many followers so quickly! Hopefully you’ll hit the hundred today. The blogging world is a good place to be, both for the benefits you feel from sharing your story and for the positive, supportive comments people give you. I hope it continues to work for you. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I find it quite surprising to have followers, that people want to read my story, but they do, and 99 followers is very good, it shows your words have a message and people want to read it.

    When losing a lot of weight as you did I think there is always a fear that you might put the weight back on again, and can give you an unreal sense of your perception on how you look, now with depression making itself at home it just reinforces that insecurity.

    You are getting treatment and have amazing support from your husband, which is a great lifeline, he listens and helps, which will help you come on in leaps and bounds.

    Like

    • I just don’t see how my blog would be interesting to others. My perception is totally off at the moment. Before having this relapse I had a fear about putting the weight back on. It’s just spiralled into something I am struggling to control now. Like you said though, I am getting treatment and my husband is amazingly supportive. I know that I focus on the negative things that are going on. I am trying to work on seeing more of the positives. Thanks for commenting x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. People can relate to what you describe. Your blog is refreshing in its openness and honesty, especially on such an unspoken subject. By writing how depression and anxiety effects you, you are helping many others who feel the same way, but are unable to speak. It’s almost like we can all tackle the illness together. Thank you and take care x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Glad you have got 99 followers that’s amazing. Thank you for sharing your story to the world. Helps others who feel the same but can’t express it speak out. I suffer from depression and find blogging a great way to let my thoughts feelings and emotions run wild. I enjoy it because I can freely express how I feel and not have anyone judge me. Glad you have your husband as a support and someone to go to when your not having a good day. Things will get better for you keep on going. Keep up with CBT I took it and found them helpful. Stay positive and don’t let the negative get you down. Take care all the best. Can’t wait to read your next entry. Xx

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