I have not missed this…

Last night I got upset over my CBT session which took place yesterday afternoon. We looked at the way I think about myself particularly in relation to the way I look, my appearance etc. I brought up my massive fear around putting on weight too. 

I’ve never talked in great deal to anyone about the bullying I was on the receiving end of throughout different parts of my school life. It is possible that my self loathing stems from this. My thoughts about myself are likely to be a result of being bullied. 

It now makes sense why I had a breakdown when I was bullied during 2013 at work. At the time, I received generic talking therapy. I wasn’t given the opportunity to look at my thought processes at the time. 

After my CBT session I felt my mood drop as the day went on. When Dave got home from work that night I became upset. It’s hard to explain how shit I felt.  Clearly I have tried to block out the bullying and now it is at the forefront of my mind. 

I didn’t sleep well last night. I went the gym this morning and then went for a coffee with my friend from the gym. My friend confided in me about something she is dealing with. She said she wanted my advice and we ended up talking for about three hours. We talked about a lot of other stuff to do. I find it weird how calm and rational I can be with other people’s situations yet I am the complete opposite with my current circumstances. The only reason we left when we did was due to the fact I needed to pick up my respite child. I had a good time with my friend and with my respite child. 

Since getting home nearly 3 hours ago, my mood is even lower then yesterday. I have been in tears. The frustrating thing is I can’t say exactly what is causing this. I just want to hide from the world. Right now, I feel like I have to put such a massive effort into doing things that other people take for granted. Getting out of bed, eating, showering and leaving the house are just some of the things I have to use a lot of energy to do. The mask I wear so much feels like it is slipping. 

The suicidal thoughts are back. There. I said it. I don’t feel able to talk to anyone about it. It will do nothing but cause upset and stress for those that know about my depression and anxiety. I don’t have another CBT session until Tuesday afternoon. I have an appointment with my GP a week today. 

I feel so fucking weak and pathetic. I have no reason to feel this shit. I am a fraud. I lie to so many people. My go to response when anyone asks how I am is, “I’m ok” regardless of how I actually feel. I don’t have the guts to tell people about being ill or the fact I don’t work. It’s just easier to say work is fine or to change the subject. 

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17 thoughts on “I have not missed this…

  1. I was bullied in the workplace back in 2005/6 which with other issues precipated my breakdown at that time, I was also bullied at school, the two are linked in that again your powerless or feel that way, in school as with the workplace people don’t want to get involved in case the negative attention is put on them.

    However your still left with all these unresolved feelings, and still don’t really have any voice, because it is linked to other things which we supress and don’t attach any importance to it, until we learn about how events can affect our lives many years later.

    Therapy is good as long as the relationship you build with your therapist is one of trust, and it does bring to the surface all the things we don’t talk about, we go we think to talk about a specific issue which then leads to opening up other topics which can take it’s toll and can be very upsetting, I found that difficult to deal with but eventually I got past it and just felt a huge relief as it tumbled out.

    It’s much easier to cope with friends problems as a way of not focusing on your own, because it’s painful and on the other hand its good just to talk about something else, but you do have to be mindful that you don’t emotionally absorb their problems, it’s important that you take care of you, doesn’t mean you can’t be a good friend, but taking care of your mental health is important, and yes your allowed to do that put yourself first.

    Your off to OZ soon and that will give you a change of scene and a different focus, and best of all you and hubby will have loads of fun.:)

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    • I always read your comments and feel not so alone. Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words. I am hoping that finally working through the bullying I suffered in the past will help me in the long term.

      Dave said that I should see it as a compliment that my friend confided in me. She has a real dilemma on her hands and only two other people know including her fiance. Dave pointed out that she must value my opinion and feel she can trust me. I guess talking about it just made me think yet again why am I like this. I am a sensitive person and I put a lot of time and energy into making sure others are alright which in turn puts my mental health on the back burner.

      I am at the gym later on which I am hoping will clear my head. You are also right about Oz. We fly out two weeks today! Hope you are ok x

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for your kind words, Dave is right it is a compliment that your friend came to you, I say be mindful as you sound similar to me in that you can be a bit of a human sponge for other people, we have to learn the hard way to put ourselves first, your a good friend but don’t forget being kind to yourself, enjoy the gym:)

        Liked by 1 person

  2. bipolarwhisper says:

    I find it interesting that you said when it comes to anyone elses problems you are able to help them and stay calm. But yet with your own can’t. I feel this exact same way most of the time.

    I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling down and having a hard time with it. I hope that the coming appointments will shed some light on what is going on. Gentle hugs.

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  3. I could relate to this so much, It’s like sometimes you want to live and enjoy life and the next minute you want to just crawl under a rock, its made it hard for me to keep friends but I have been working at my anxiety, and since finding your blog its been a huge inspiration, and encouragement.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anxiety can make it awful to socialise. I also find it extremely draining when I do socialise if I have been struggling with my anxiety/depression. I am really glad that my blog has helped you x

      Liked by 1 person

      • It definitely is and its hard when you want to talk about it with someone but trying to just be normal, and feeling even more anxious about how they are going to react if you do.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I know what you mean. I feel torn sometimes whether to discuss honestly how things are with me or to not bother for fear of how others will react x

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  4. I’m sorry to hear how you’ve been feeling. With the way you signed off, I just felt like I had to say something – I know that feeling all too well!

    You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change. These thoughts are only temporary. I suspect that it is the blackness that defines your thoughts that you wish to disappear, not life itself? Have you spoken to anyone about it?

    Unfortunately, as you know, there is no quick fix for depression. It takes time, so perseverance is key. But by surrounding yourself with people who care and who want to help, you are making steps in the right direction.

    There is a temptation to be overly harsh on yourself, but you are not weak. Depression is an illness, an indiscriminate illness. Take courage from the strength that you continue to show. Look at the number of followers you have and the comments people post. Your blog has a positive effect on so many people.

    Take your time, the most important thing is to get it right x

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    • Thanks for taking the time to comment Matt. The blackness clouds my thoughts and I just want it to stop. I’ve never mentioned it to anyone really. I worry that by talking about the suicidal thoughts I will end up hospitalised. I am going to mention to my GP on Wednesday that I have really dark moments. I have got a notepad that I am going to start listing at least one positive thing that happened that day. Depression and anxiety are just so frustrating at times. I know I am not in a place to be contemplating going back to work but I feel so guilty as my husband has two jobs. My mood isn’t as low today as it has been. For the first time in a long time I am actually looking forward to going the gym this evening instead of getting worked up about it x

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      • I have felt exactly as you describe, I still do. I felt like a burden and I didn’t know who to talk to about it. In the end, I decided to tell people how I was, I felt so much better for doing so. In my head I had viewed myself as a con, but being honest really released a weight from my shoulders. People won’t view you negatively for suffering from depression, they’ll be amazed at your strength and courage to talk about it. For me, the first part of overcoming depression is talking about it, I have to make myself believe that there is nothing wrong with me for being depressed, and I felt that the best way to deal with it was to be honest, and not treat it is anything major. If I kept it a secret, then it felt like I had something to be ashamed of, and I am never going to get better if I viewed depression like that.

        That is a really great idea, it will hopefully make you focus on all the positive things happening in your life.

        Obviously I don’t know the specifics, but I’d imagine, that your husband doesn’t think that. From what you’ve posted, he sounds like he has been really supportive of you. I’m sure he does not mind working two jobs, if that allows you the opportunity to recover.

        Haha I’m glad to hear it, I’ve just been. Tired now, but it can be a good release! Take care x

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      • I am hoping that I become more positive about my depression and anxiety. I think part of me is in denial about it. I had a pretty rough time with two friends which I no longer speak to. I think this has made me wary to open up to others. My family and friends who know are really supportive.

        My husband tells me frequently that he doesn’t mind working two jobs. He wants me to concentrate on my recovery.

        I love the gym. What type of stuff do you like doing at the gym?

        Thank you for helping me feel less alone. There are some lovely people here on wordpress x

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  5. You’re welcome. I’ve found that too, it seems we all take turns to help each other! 🙂

    I have faith that you will, sounds like you’ve got the right people around you. It’s important to know who you can rely on in a time of need.

    I mainly do cardio stuff, love the bike and rowing machine, trying to do a bit of weights too. How about you? x

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    • I just need to realise that my recovery is a marathon and not a sprint at times when I am struggling.

      I do Les Mills classes – Bodycombat, Bodypump and Bodyattack. I also do Insanity and Pilates and occasionally I do Bestcycle (spin). I never used to go to classes before I lost weight for fear of being judged, laughed at etc. I can’t imagine not doing classes now x

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  6. Yeah we’ve got those classes where I go, though I’ve never been! I know what you mean, it really makes a difference when I’m having a tough day or I’ve got little to do. It’s a good, positive way to pass the time!! x

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