Last night I got upset over my CBT session which took place yesterday afternoon. We looked at the way I think about myself particularly in relation to the way I look, my appearance etc. I brought up my massive fear around putting on weight too.
I’ve never talked in great deal to anyone about the bullying I was on the receiving end of throughout different parts of my school life. It is possible that my self loathing stems from this. My thoughts about myself are likely to be a result of being bullied.
It now makes sense why I had a breakdown when I was bullied during 2013 at work. At the time, I received generic talking therapy. I wasn’t given the opportunity to look at my thought processes at the time.
After my CBT session I felt my mood drop as the day went on. When Dave got home from work that night I became upset. It’s hard to explain how shit I felt. Clearly I have tried to block out the bullying and now it is at the forefront of my mind.
I didn’t sleep well last night. I went the gym this morning and then went for a coffee with my friend from the gym. My friend confided in me about something she is dealing with. She said she wanted my advice and we ended up talking for about three hours. We talked about a lot of other stuff to do. I find it weird how calm and rational I can be with other people’s situations yet I am the complete opposite with my current circumstances. The only reason we left when we did was due to the fact I needed to pick up my respite child. I had a good time with my friend and with my respite child.
Since getting home nearly 3 hours ago, my mood is even lower then yesterday. I have been in tears. The frustrating thing is I can’t say exactly what is causing this. I just want to hide from the world. Right now, I feel like I have to put such a massive effort into doing things that other people take for granted. Getting out of bed, eating, showering and leaving the house are just some of the things I have to use a lot of energy to do. The mask I wear so much feels like it is slipping.
The suicidal thoughts are back. There. I said it. I don’t feel able to talk to anyone about it. It will do nothing but cause upset and stress for those that know about my depression and anxiety. I don’t have another CBT session until Tuesday afternoon. I have an appointment with my GP a week today.
I feel so fucking weak and pathetic. I have no reason to feel this shit. I am a fraud. I lie to so many people. My go to response when anyone asks how I am is, “I’m ok” regardless of how I actually feel. I don’t have the guts to tell people about being ill or the fact I don’t work. It’s just easier to say work is fine or to change the subject.