Guilt and self loathing

Yesterday was a great day. The gym was fantastic and Dave and I really enjoyed having our friends round. Today I have spent most of the day crying on and off. It’s been so scary. I find it hard to articulate what it’s like in my head at times like this. 

The negative thoughts spin out of control. It’s like a snowball going down a mountain. It gathers so much momentum that it becomes one huge snowball. These thoughts include self loathing and guilt. 

My mood has plummeted. I’m worn out from today. I’m struggling to pick myself back up. I’ve been playing with Walter and I feel like I am shit with him. I don’t get why Dave is with me. I don’t deserve him or Walter. 

I am sick of being lulled into a false sense of security. I actually manage to convince myself that I am mentally well. Anxiety and depression are always lurking in the shadows though. 

Dave and I have talked loads today. We talked how it’s possible that my poor self image and general view of myself results in my anxiety and depression coming to the forefront. My view is that I don’t deserve to be happy. I had a great time yesterday and now I am really struggling. 

I made the decision to tell our friends yesterday about my anxiety and depression. I wonder if this has caused my mood to lower dramatically and my anxiety to be so high. Our friends were incredible supportive. They said that they are always there if I need them. I guess it’s highlighted to my negative self that I am weak and pathetic. 

I am hoping that today is just a bad day. I am really trying to get out of this slump. Dave and I are going to chill out on the couch with Walter tonight. 

10 thoughts on “Guilt and self loathing

  1. Congrats on the courage to tell your friends about the anxiety and depression. I wish I had the same balls lol. No doubt that took a toll mentally and that’s probably why you are feeling this way. Big step forward. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. It took a lot of courage to tell my friends. I think I am drained from it and therefore I am having a bad day. Got Walter snuggled on me asleep and Dave next to me now 🙂 x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sometimes when open ourselves up to other, you can experience negetivity, which can be scary, and can lead to self doubt, however I will say this will recede in time, as you are more open about your illness.

    You do desrver your happy and supportive marriage and Walter too.

    Be kind to yourself and take care x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I sure don’t want to sound like someone who knows all, but I think we feel vulnerable when we bare ourselves to friends. I hope that brave act was the trigger for today’s plunge, and that you’ll feel better as you realize they love and respect you for it. All the best to you, dear soul!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. persephone2015 says:

    I know how hard days like that can be. Well done for telling people though, that was very brave. I have certain friends that know (the ones that understand) but others don’t.
    The only thing I can say is that you will get through it and come out the other side stronger, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time.

    Liked by 1 person

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