Yesterday was a great day. The gym was fantastic and Dave and I really enjoyed having our friends round. Today I have spent most of the day crying on and off. It’s been so scary. I find it hard to articulate what it’s like in my head at times like this.
The negative thoughts spin out of control. It’s like a snowball going down a mountain. It gathers so much momentum that it becomes one huge snowball. These thoughts include self loathing and guilt.
My mood has plummeted. I’m worn out from today. I’m struggling to pick myself back up. I’ve been playing with Walter and I feel like I am shit with him. I don’t get why Dave is with me. I don’t deserve him or Walter.
I am sick of being lulled into a false sense of security. I actually manage to convince myself that I am mentally well. Anxiety and depression are always lurking in the shadows though.
Dave and I have talked loads today. We talked how it’s possible that my poor self image and general view of myself results in my anxiety and depression coming to the forefront. My view is that I don’t deserve to be happy. I had a great time yesterday and now I am really struggling.
I made the decision to tell our friends yesterday about my anxiety and depression. I wonder if this has caused my mood to lower dramatically and my anxiety to be so high. Our friends were incredible supportive. They said that they are always there if I need them. I guess it’s highlighted to my negative self that I am weak and pathetic.
I am hoping that today is just a bad day. I am really trying to get out of this slump. Dave and I are going to chill out on the couch with Walter tonight.