I am really struggling at the moment. It seems that each day I am feeling increasingly low and anxious.
My sister came round to mine for the day. We had a great time. Walter was on top form. But I constantly felt low. I was on the edge of tears all day. My CBT session felt like a waste of time today. It’s all well and good asking me what my thoughts have been to lead me feeling so low recently. But when I don’t understand why I feel so shit surely it’s because I have depression and anxiety? If it was as simple as doing something that helps when I wish I was dead or having a panic attack, then don’t you think I would? It’s incredibly hard to stop the recurring thoughts I have. After I have managed to calm down I cannot always recall my thought process. I go from 0-60 in seconds. I am unable to think clearly. I don’t think my counsellor gets how much effort it takes to carry on when I feel so overwhelmed with negativity. It is so difficult to put on a mask.
As I type this I have tears streaming down my face. I ended up breaking down in front of my sister this afternoon. I had a full blown panic attack and couldn’t stop crying.
I find it so scary to be in this state without a specific trigger. I am contemplating getting an appointment with my GP as soon as possible. This clearly isn’t just me having a bad day. So far this has been three days of chaos in my head. The gym was hard work last night and I only went to bodycombat.
It’s hard to see that this low period will subside. Inevitably it does. It just feels like a constant uphill struggle and I feel like I have nothing left in me to keep going. I am having suicidal thoughts. I can’t take being in my head when I am this bad.