Downward Spiral

I am really struggling at the moment. It seems that each day I am feeling increasingly low and anxious. 

My sister came round to mine for the day. We had a great time. Walter was on top form. But I constantly felt low. I was on the edge of tears all day. My CBT session felt like a waste of time today. It’s all well and good asking me what my thoughts have been to lead me feeling so low recently. But when I don’t understand why I feel so shit surely it’s because I have depression and anxiety? If it was as simple as doing something that helps when I wish I was dead or having a panic attack, then don’t you think I would? It’s incredibly hard to stop the recurring thoughts I have. After I have managed to calm down I cannot always recall my thought process. I go from 0-60 in seconds. I am unable to think clearly. I don’t think my counsellor gets how much effort it takes to carry on when I feel so overwhelmed with negativity. It is so difficult to put on a mask. 

As I type this I have tears streaming down my face. I ended up breaking down in front of my sister this afternoon. I had a full blown panic attack and couldn’t stop crying. 

I find it so scary to be in this state without a specific trigger. I am contemplating getting an appointment with my GP as soon as possible. This clearly isn’t just me having a bad day. So far this has been three days of chaos in my head. The gym was hard work last night and I only went to bodycombat. 

It’s hard to see that this low period will subside. Inevitably it does. It just feels like a constant uphill struggle and I feel like I have nothing left in me to keep going. I am having suicidal thoughts. I can’t take being in my head when I am this bad. 

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30 thoughts on “Downward Spiral

  1. askateenageaspie says:

    Just wanted to say, I’ve experienced depressive symptoms and high anxiety over the last while, so I understand how you feel. I find your blog really inspiring. Keep going because your blog is really inspirational and helpful so many people who share similar problems. Thank you!
    Dá fhada an lá, tagann an tráthnóna. (It’s a saying in Irish that means, “no matter how long the day, the evening always comes”)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel the same way! And yes your right, it is scary. Not knowing what your minds going to make you feel next, not knowing what the next bad thoughts going to be. It’s a constant struggle every day.
    If you feel you need to reach out for more support, I’m here. I’ve been struggling with depression for nearly 6 years and it’s tough, really tough. I don’t have a lot if people for support because they simply don’t get it. No matter how much they research or no matter how many questions they ask, it’s just not enough unless your in it too.
    Hang in there. X

    Liked by 1 person

  3. theothersideofp says:

    I’ve had a really shitty day today too, I stay in bed until 6pm! But we’ve carried on before so we can do it this time too x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sorry your feeling so low, sometime the triggers can be very subtle, it’s a good idea to get back to the GP if you feel things are worsening.

    Glad your sister was with you today and you weren’t alone, your not alone here here either:)

    Take care and hope things turn the corner soon xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I hope that this low period does not last long. I understand what it can be like to feel low without a specific cause and it can be really hard to explain to other people. You are definitely not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so sorry, I know how that feels. When I was like that, from 0 to 60 in nothing flat and felt out of control with that and panic attacks, I went on a beta blocker. It’s hypertension medication, been around for sixty years, very safe. Mine is called propanolol. It gives you time to think. It keeps your heart rate from accelerating, which means NO PANIC ATTACKS. Your brain will never have those chemical dumps if your heart never triggers your adrenaline. If you ever get to the point of medication, it’s well worth considering. It does not muck around with your personality or your moods. It just keeps your heart rate steady.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I currently take 30mg of citalopram. I have an appointment with my GP on Monday to discuss the possibility of increasing the dosage and to let them know how much I am struggling x

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Depression is tough, the days are long and you require so much energy just to do the little things. Recovery will take a long time, we must all accept that.

    As you rightly say, it can feel like a constant uphill struggle, but you’ve got to keep going. Just imagine the view from the top of that hill you are climbing!

    Inevitably, these bad days will pass, but unfortunately they are likely to be back again. Try not to act on those suicidal thoughts. As you can see you’re writing continues to comfort and inspire others. Thank you.

    I hope you are feeling better today

    If today is the worst day in the world, then tomorrow can only be better.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Matt. Bodycombat class this morning helped. I feel like some of the negativity has gone. I liked your last sentence. I’ll try to remember that. Hope you’re well x

      Like

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