The darkness is winning

Thank you to each and every one of you who took the time to comment on my post from last night. I was overwhelmed with the messages of support. 

As much as I am trying to fight this, the darkness has overtaken my head. I feel like it is kicking my arse. I ended up messaging my friend from the gym last night. She has said to get in touch if I need to. We had a lengthy conversation via whatsapp. She told me I am one of the bravest women she knows and a lot of other nice things. Shame I don’t believe a word of it. 

I have an appointment with my GP on Monday. I will only see two of the doctors at my surgery. The lack of understanding I have had from a few other doctors has put me off seeing anyone else. I would have preferred to have an appointment much sooner but this was the earliest appointment the doctors had. I feel that my anti depressants aren’t helping. Possibly my body has become used to the current dosage I am on. I fought against the internal battle in my head and went to combat this morning. I sat on the couch with Walter crying before I left the house. It was difficult to stop. Initially combat helped take the edge off things. But as today went on, I felt like the endorphins were wearing off. The darkness has come back at full force. 

My parents and sister popped in for a bit this afternoon. They were nearby to where I live. I cried so much after they left. I don’t even know why. I then had to get into some sort of mindset so that I could take Dom out. 

I found it so difficult being out with Dom tonight. I had to use every ounce of energy to not let my current mental state impact on him. This has nothing to do with him. This has shown me how unwell I am right now. Dom is someone who helps when I am low. I couldn’t wait to drop him off so I could get home. 

I’m finding it difficult to relax. I feel that I am all cried out but have had these random spells of uncontrollable crying throughout today. I have been having suicidal thoughts all day. It’s like my mind cannot think of anything else but ways to punish myself. When driving to the gym I thought how easy it would be to purposefully crash my car. To end all this once and for all. 

Please don’t take this as me saying I am going to kill myself. I’m just trying to make sense of all the thoughts swirling round in my head. I fucking hate depression and anxiety. 

16 thoughts on “The darkness is winning

  1. Hunny you are not alone x my partner has to deal with me in thise times and there are times i just dont want to talk even to him x well done for all you have done today you have done well i think everyone who hs been in your shoes knows even gettig out of bed in the morning is an energy drain… I sure as hell know x just remember, your strong, your brave, and you are not alone 🙂 you have my email address if you ever need to talk let me know and i will always try and respond asap and if I am asleep I will respond as soon as I get up x you need to praise yourself for what you have done as though to people who do not struggle with mental health may not find it as hasstly we do so just keep strong x you will get through the tuff days i promise x i know how it feels if your medication stops working i had to have mine changed twice in the last two years but you can get through it x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Huge hugs, this bloody illness, it just kicks and kicks at you, I know your feelings only too well and there isn’t much i can say when your caught in that spiral that makes any real sense.

    Know that I’m rooting for you, your not alone and this is your space to vent all you like, the community understands what your going through. 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can hear how low you are right now, as I have been there before too ❤ Those suicidal thoughts are truly awful, and are so hard to tolerate…I am not sure what it is like over in the UK, but here in Australia we have crisis phone lines that people can call when they need to talk to someone, particularly if they feel so low down? I encourage you to reach out if you really feel like it's all getting too hard to handle ~ I know how difficult it is to do this, but it is so worth it…You are worth it! This is an illness, and you deserve treatment to feel better…And you will feel better than this afterwards ~ you really will! It just hurts like hell right now…Thinking of you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I find it extremely hard to open up to people. It’s something I am working on. I have a quiet weekend with my husband and puppy ahead of me plus my GP appointment on Monday. Hoping this will all help x

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, hopefully taking it easy over the weekend might help a bit…My puppy helps to lift my spirits when I’m low ~ they are such loving creatures! Wishing you luck for your GP appointment x

        Liked by 1 person

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