Nothing seems to be helping

I am managing to lift my mood slightly at times. This is only a small reprieve. My mood then comes crashing down again. 

I really am trying to keep my mood up. I am going the gym, opening up to those around me and trying to relax. The gym anxiety is still there. I don’t like leaving the house. I spend the entire time outside the house convincing myself that I am doing the right thing. That the gym is good. Yet there are more times then not when I cannot wait to be back in my house. 

I’m struggling to relax properly. The suicidal thoughts feel like they are dominating my head. I really hope my GP can help me on Monday afternoon. This low spell has lasted nearly a week now and it shows no sign of ending. 

What if my depression and anxiety has such a hold on me for the rest of my life? One of the cruelest things about depression and anxiety is that I feel like I’m making great progress and then the bubble is just totally burst and I don’t know why and I can’t make sense of it. I try to help myself constantly even when all I want to do is curl up in bed. I get out to the gym, we got Walter and I am opening up even though I find it so difficult. At the moment it is such a dark and daunting task to even get up each day. I really don’t see the point in putting myself through all of this if I spend most of my time trapped by my depression and anxiety.