Still struggling

You know things are bad when your doctor asks you to come back in again in two weeks. 

My doctor was really sympathetic yesterday. I didn’t want to be at the doctors. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I still don’t. My medication has been increased to 40mg a day. I am being referred for CBT on the NHS. The NHS counselling is really not helping. Talking isn’t helping. I need more than just talking. I told my GP this. 

Normally I am asked to come back in every four weeks when I am struggling. I was told to come back in two weeks. Maybe because I was honest and said that I am suicidal. 

Trying to articulate what is going on in my head is a struggle. So I always come home after a GP appointment feeling quite emotional. Walter was in a funny mood when I got home from the doctors. He wouldn’t stop barking regardless of what I tried. I was at my wits end and ended up in tears. Pathetic huh? 

Depression likes to tell me that I am shit at everything. The latest thing it likes to tell me is that Walter hates me and I’m shit with him. 

I’m at the point I was at the beginning of the year. I don’t want to leave the house or do anything. I am still going the gym as much as my head tells me not to. I’m not getting much enjoyment out of it. 

I’ve just got to keep going and believe that things will get better. Even if depression and anxiety like to tell me otherwise. 

19 thoughts on “Still struggling

  1. I’m glad you have a caring doctor who listens to your concerns! You are doing so much–making yourself go to the gym is amazing. And sharing your thoughts and fears here is incredibly courageous. Good for you, my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Gemma. I clicked the ‘like’ button to show my support for you, but it felt strange when there’s nothing to like about how you’re feeling! From having been there myself I know how hard it is for others to find the right words to say to you. All I can suggest is that you try to think of the positives – reread what you wrote about what you have – and try to focus on the good things. I think Walter may have been barking as he was worried for you, not because he hates you! With the love and support you have it can get better. I know it’s hard for you to believe that right now but trust me, it has for me and I wish you all the best in getting through it xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. persephone2015 says:

    Hey, sorry to hear you’re still feeling so bad. If it helps at all, I was feeling really bad a while ago & my meds were also upped to 40mg a day – now I feel much better, much happier in myself. It took a while of course, and I still have bad days, but now the good days outweigh the bad days by quite a way. You will get there. It’s good that you’re still going to the gym. Keep it up! *Hugs* 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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