That makes three

Today confirmed that someone who was my friend for 10 years doesn’t want anything to do with me. I will explain further. 

This friend has been in a relationship for a number of years with an absolute dick. I have no idea why she is with him. I have thought for a long time that he is abusive to her. I never voiced this to her in the hope that she would one day discover this for herself. 

To see a good friend change so much because of said boyfriend was hard to see. These changes were not for the better. My friend went from being outgoing, bubbly, confident to quiet and unsure. She now drinks to excess as her boyfriend does this. This was someone who didn’t drink much until she met this loser. 

I sat back and kept quiet on so many ocassions  She told me about the countless arguments, his excessive drinking and the fact she checks his texts and facebook account behind his back. My friend seemed scared of her boyfriend. 

This friend was one of my bridesmaids. She knew the date of the wedding 19 months in advance. The night before the wedding I found out through another bridesmaid that she was intending to leave after the wedding breakfast. The reason why? Her boyfriend had work the next day. Surely he could book the day off after our wedding since we gave over a year and a half notice? Apparently not!

I found this out when I was attempting to get some sleep the day before my wedding! It was a complete curveball. Least of all as she didn’t have the decency to actually tell me. The amount of time and money I had spent on her being a bridesmaid and she wouldn’t be there the entire day. 

We got married at 2pm. I stayed at the wedding venue the night before with my mum and bridesmaids. Considering my friend’s boyfriend had work early the day after our wedding, I was shocked to find out that by the time our wedding ceremony had started he had drank 3 pints of beer! On all our photos he looks completely miserable. He was sat on a table with the bridesmaids, their partners and my brother during the wedding breakfast. I was told he had a face on and didn’t attempt to join in conversations. 

My friend and her miserable boyfriend left at some point after our first dance. The most upsetting part was they didn’t even say goodbye. They just left. 

I let all this go even though I was furious. Dave and I met up with her at the end of October after we had got back from Reykjavik. It was really awkward. Nothing was said about the wedding. Mostly because Dave didn’t want a fuss and felt it wouldn’t achieve anything. I have not heard from this friend since. 

When I had my breakdown in December, I didn’t see much point in seeking help from this friend. She made it abundantly clear in March 2013 that I didn’t need to be on antidepressants and I was letting the person who was bullying me in work win. This impacted me for a long time and still does. I struggled to acknowledge to others how unbearable and overwhelming my life felt back in December. To this day only a select number of people know about my depression and anxiety. I don’t want to push anyone else away. 

Today was my friend’s birthday. I sent her a text wishing her a happy birthday. This has been ignored. This is not like this friend. I know for a fact she will have received it as she was on whatsapp two hours after I messaged her. 

I had written this friendship off even before I had my breakdown in December. So why am I feeling so hurt by all of this? I have now lost 3 close friends in the space of 6 months. I feel as if it has highlighted how isolated I am. My circle of friends seems to be dwindling. Maybe all of these broken friendships are all down to me. I find it hard to forgive people. I guess living with depression and anxiety has made me want to shut out people who are a potential threat to my mental wellbeing. 

My anxiety is telling me that my friend who I stopped speaking to in January has played a part in all this. I wouldn’t put it past her to try and sabotage my friendships with others. 

I feel ridiculous for letting all this bother me. I live with the constant fear that I will end up alone; without Dave, my family or the friends I still have. I am clearly too much hard work. So why would anyone want to be there for me?

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22 thoughts on “That makes three

  1. crocheticknits says:

    Maybe you are just finding out who your real true friends are. It’s easy to be friends with someone when everything is happy and nice, it’s a lot harder when there are things wrong. I think this kind of this really just shows your true friends, you were there for her throughout it all but she wasn’t there for you. I don’t mean to sound harsh but do you really need that in your life? I have come to the conclusion that I would rather have one or two real friends (not including my husband), to having loads of friends who are only there when the going is good.

    Yes I know it sucks but it’s definitely a case of – it’s not you, it’s them.

    Like

    • Everything you says makes sense. My husband pretty much said the same to me just now. I tend to overthink and ruminate on situations. My husband thinks she is embarassed about how she behaved at our wedding and doesn’t have the guts to face me. Oh well. Thank you for the kind and supportive words x

      Liked by 1 person

      • crocheticknits says:

        I hope you manage to sort things out but if you do not then its best to concentrate your energies on yourself/your family and your friends who genuinely care about you 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. theothersideofp says:

    I have the exact same fear after losing a few of my best friends. The ones that are meant to be around will stay around, the ones we lose aren’t worth the time, despite how hard this is to believe x

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  3. As you know I’m going through something similar, there comes a point when you can do nothing and move on, there are only so many excuses a person can make.

    I will say that your friend seems to have a very controlling boyfriend, which in the long run will don her no good as he clearly isolates her from her friends and in the end she’ll have no one.

    also as much as you have tried to be supportive and deep down she probably on some levle realises this relationship is unhealthy, but for whatever reason she cannot break free, and is likely to be quite depressed herself, which she then projected onto you when yu had your breakdown Denial is a powerful emotion.

    Perhaps for now put the friendship on the back burner, and should she decide to make different life choice, she can earn your support and friendship again.

    Hope your ok:) xx

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    • You and Dave would get on. He thinks the same thing; that this guy is controlling and isolating her from friends and that she is likely to suffer with depression. I feel better after getting some sleep. Trying not to even think about the whole thing x

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I myself became less than considerate after a few years in an abusive relationship. Fear is just so pervasive. Luckily one of the friends I had rudely cut off took me back a decade later. I am very sorry, for the both of you.

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    • I am not holding out on her trying to be friends with me. But, thank you for your comment particularly as you have unfortunately been in an abusive relationship. It gave me more of an insight x

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I hope that I have not lost any friends as a result of my depression, but at times it certainly feels like I’m losing them. It’s hard. Try not to focus on the 3 friends that you have lost in the last 6 months, but the friends you have gained

    Liked by 1 person

      • From reading previous posts I had the impression that many family and friends had been very supportive. I was trying to suggest that it would be more beneficial to focus on the successes of these relationships as well as other positive events that have taken place in the last 6 months, like Walter. You have spoken out about your battle with depression and many many people take strength from reading your posts x

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  6. davesoapbox says:

    Reblogged this on davesoapbox and commented:
    We all lose friends in life, sometime we just drift apart, other times over silly arguments and sometimes because of third party interference. When you suffer from mental illness this loss can not only hurt more it often becomes a piece of self blame, your illness can convince you that you or your illness was the reason. In truth if they stop liking you, their loss. If they stop liking you because of your illness then that’s your gain. People who care, always care, those that don’t are not worth the effort.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. I had a similar situation after re-meeting my friend in college. We had started being friends again, but then I noticed that she just stopped saying hi to me and calling me, even though she knew I struggled with anxiety and even though she acted at first like she cared.

    Unfortunately, there are going to be people that don’t understand what we go through and don’t even bother to be kind or try to help. It makes sense that losing a friend, especially one of ten years, upsets you. Sure, maybe she began to be mean and rude, but you remember what you guys once had and that’s not always an easy thing to get over. I know I still sometimes struggle with losing my best friend who was my friend for about ten years as well (I met her in first grade!)

    Don’t ever let the people that don’t understand make you feel like you don’t deserve to have friends or people that care about you. You seem like a good person and all that matters is that you are and that you’re trying your hardest to get through your depression and anxiety. We all deserve to have good people in our lives who love and support us. No matter what, you will never be alone. Other people understand what you’re going through. Be strong.

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    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I have come to realise over these past few weeks that it’s their loss that they don’t want to be my friend. I have spent time with my actual friends and they all know about my mental health and are massively supportive. So sorry to hear that you have also been through something similar to me. I guess things like this will only make us stronger x

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I understand how this feels but something I have learned and realized is that the people who want to stay with you will no matter what, they are faithful and understanding and anyone who says one thing but does another isn’t being a good friend.

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