Tuesday was my penultimate session of CBT with the private therapist I’ve been seeing. We discussed about moving forward with my recovery. Inevitably, this brought up the topic of the future.
I am not someone who looks forward to the future. Quite the opposite; I am scared of it. Even thinking about it now speeds up my breathing.
Currently besides providing respite for Dominic I am not working. This has been for the best. Before my breakdown in December, my job had always played too much of a role in my life. I could never fully switch of from it and put an incredible amount of pressure on myself. My job defined me. I can now see how unhealthy this is.
Both my breakdowns occurred at times when my job was highly stressful. As a result, the thought of entering a school environment terrifies me. I have always worked with autistic children in schools in some capacity. But I have been completely put off doing this type of job.
So what do I do in terms of a job? Part of me thinks a completely new job would be better for me. Nothing to do with autistic children. I am still not ready to work as much as I hate to admit. But it also scares me how easily I can cut off from the world. It is still hard work leaving the house and doing anything that requires me to interact with people (which is everything!) I get to a point where I crave the need to retreat, to not have to deal with the outside world.
Dave has told me that we don’t even need to consider me working until I am ready. Even then, Dave thinks it would be better if I work part time. But how will I know when I am ready to look into working again? I know that I am incredibly lucky to be married to someone so considerate and thoughtful. But in the back of my head I am telling myself that my mental health is putting a huge strain on Dave.
Looking too far ahead does not help me with my anxiety and depression. So instead I am going to start focusing on the more immediate future. Giving myself small achievable goals for each day. Even if it is something simple.