The blame game

Walter was really sick on Saturday. We don’t even know for sure what caused it. It was awful. He was throwing up for an hour. He stopped and has been fine since. But me being me, I blamed myself for it. This triggered a low which made me ill. I cried so much my face hurt, I had a terrible headache and I struggled to snap out of it. I wore myself out to the point of exhaustion. Yesterday I woke up to a terrible headache. 

During this horrendous low I ended up telling Dave that I experience suicidal ideations. He said that he thought that I did which is why he really wanted us to get Walter. The tremendous levels of guilt I felt when I did calm down were overwhelming. I was repeatedly apologising that I get these thoughts. I was insisting on cancelling plans on Sunday afternoon for our friends and their 4 year old daughter coming round to meet Walter. Dave suggested that I make the decision in the morning after sleeping. 

I am so thankful for Dave. I was ready to text my friend on Saturday night to cancel. Looking back now, I am glad I didn’t. We had a nice few hours with them. My friend asked what I do with Walter when I am at work. I used this as an opportunity to tell her about how things have been since December. My friend was shocked. She said had no idea, especially as I had seen her when things were really bad. I am glad I told her. This friend lives nearby and I said to her to get in touch whenever she wants to meet up.  As she has a young child, this has always been the way I am with this friend.  

My mood is quite low. I would rather just sit in. However, Walter needs to go for a walk later. It would be easier to not go to my usual Bodycombat class later. I am going to go though. I came across a pattern colouring book that I bought during my last breakdown. I am planning on buying some new felt tips. The ones I found have dried out. Colouring in helps my brain to switch off. 

I am supposed to be spending the day with my sister at some point this week. I am also going round to my parents on Friday. They have been on holiday and are back today so I didn’t see my Dad for Father’s Day. Part of me doesn’t want to see them but I will fight through the negative thoughts. I haven’t seen them for a few weeks so a catchup would do me good. 

Walter is perfectly fine now. He is back to his usual self. This was him last night chilling on the couch with Dave and I:  

 

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2 thoughts on “The blame game

  1. Sorry to read Walter was ill, i think sometimes even with animals when they are ill, it can trigger our own dark thoughts on hopelessness, it can be very distressing.

    Suicidal thoughts are terrible(sorry don’t mean to trigger further thoughts), i have learned that it’s not the solution as tempting as it might seem, there is always hope, I know hard to believe, but hope is what slowly brings me back, with me I feel as long as I can find a reason, other than being a complete coward I’ll survive another day, and at the end of the day that’s what it comes down to tiny faltering baby steps.

    Good that you opened up to another friend, and she is someone that wants to be there for you without judgement or an agenda, and that will help you, as will seeing your sister and parents and as ever your wonderful Dave who gives you such immense support, use that support network as your anchor to help guide you back.

    I need to get colouring again, it’s so calming.

    Take care xx

    Liked by 1 person

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