Unraveling

I didn’t get the job I had the interview for. To say I am upset is an understatement. The job was a specialist behaviour advisor for an autism helpline. To be knocked back for this job has made me feel inadequate. Since I was 19 I have worked with those with autism. It is something I thought I was good at. 

The feedback I got from the interview has not helped my self esteem. When I am anxious I do speak faster. I naturally talk fast as a result of being from Liverpool. I did say during my interview that I do speak fast when I am nervous. I was told that I speak too fast and this was a concern. 

My anxiety can make social sociations difficult. I feel stupid and that I am being judged when I do speak to people when I am out and about. I now feel even more self concious about talking when I am out. 

I was told my autism knowledge was at a high standard and this was shown through my answers to questions and during the written assessment. I was then told that my knowledge was ‘too child based’. All but one of the questions I was asked were specifically to do with children with autism! 

Maybe I shouldn’t have applied for this job at all. I have felt constantly anxious since submitting the application. The build up to the interview had a huge impact on me. I wasn’t sleeping properly, struggling to relax and having stomach pain and headaches. I found travelling to London a nightmare. I don’t know what I would have done if Dave hadn’t offered to go. I was in a constant state of anxiety. 

I was out with Walter when I received the phone call to say I was unsuccessful. I hadn’t been out long and I just wanted to go straight home. I went into shutdown mode and couldn’t wait until I was back in the house. 

I was due to go the gym after taking Walter for his walk. I ended up cancelling the class I was supposed to be doing. I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone.

I am really trying to move past this whole thing but I am finding it difficult. If I can’t get a job that I am qualified to do then what the hell am I going to do? I have no energy or interest in doing anything today. I feel physically drained. I barely slept last night and Dave told me I was having night terrors. I have woke up with the same headache I went to bed with and sore face from how upset I was last night. 

I am still waiting for my NHS CBT sessions to start. I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to leave the house incase I have to interact with people. I am planning on taking Walter for his walk later on today when the chances of this happening are low. 

This whole thing has shown how fragile my mental state is. It is scary how fast I can unravel when faced with something difficult or challenging. The suicidal ideations are overwhelming. I don’t want to burden the few people that I am close to. I don’t know what to do. I am scared to be on my own but I don’t want to be around anyone either if that makes sense. 

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24 thoughts on “Unraveling

  1. I’m sorry to hear this but as my mum always says, it clearly wasn’t right for you and something better will come along. Try not to get too disheartened 🙂

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  2. Agree with previous comment; it clearly wasn’t the right position for you. Imagine you got it and hated it, realising it was the wrong post for you? I know it’s really difficult, but block out the feedback (sounds a bit half-arsed feedback to me anyway – just thought up on the spot because they had to). I know how hard it is with deep social anxiety and general anxiety to build up the confidence to apply, travel, sit through an interview. It is incredibly draining and takes a lot out of you in itself. But you did it! That’s amazing. Take all the positives from that and kick the negatives out the window. You did great. Next time, you may well get that job. Remember, jobs are highly sought after and fought for, and you were just unsuccessful this time. Time to move onto the next one? 🙂

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    • My husband thinks the feedback I was given sounded like it was made up on the spot too. I don’t have any pressure to get a job right now as my husband just wants me to recover. Thanks for your kind words x

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  3. I agree with the other comments, and it seems to me they ignored your experience in this field.

    When in an interview situation were all nervous and can talk too fast, so for them to use that was grossly unfair, regardless of where you come from, it’s experience and what can be brought to the existing team is what’s important, do you really want to work for people who are so quick to judge, and makes me wonder about the quality of their service offered, their loss.

    I’m so sorry it had made you feel so low, just as you were starting to pull out of it a little a few weeks back, Dave has your back and I think he’s right, recovery is the most important thing right now.

    Be kind to yourself and take care :
    xx

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  4. When you are ready to look again, please do. I cannot tell you how much knowledgeable people have helped my family regarding autism and other similar issues. There is so much out there that is bad advice, from people who do not know what they are doing. People like you, who care and have the expertise, are lifesavers. We need you.
    Don’t let one bad interview decide your life. It usually takes more than one. When it fits, it fits. You want a good fit, not a bad one. Your work is more rewarding with a good fit. Whoever turns you down is a workplace you don’t want to be.

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  5. ((((Hugs))))) if you can accept them. It sounds like you’ve been really stressed about the job interview process for a while. It’ll maybe also therefore take a while to get over it? Be kind to yourself, give your brain a chance to calm down, rest and regroup. Sometimes I find there’s no harm in hibernating for a bit after something like this but I try to give myself an end date/time so it doesn’t become a total retreat from life.

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  6. Claire says:

    The feedback you received seems a little trite? (If that’s the word I’m looking for!) You know you talk fast and you explained that – they did nothing to calm you or let you know that you were talking too fast at the time. As for child-based knowledge, isn’t that a good thing? Urgh. It definitely doesn’t sound like the right role for you, please don’t be disheartened – I’m sure the right job is out there for you. xx

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  7. This actually happened to me recently. I applied to a job that I was perfect for and they didn’t even give me a decent reason as to why I wasn’t hired. Everyone keeps telling me that it means something better is around the corner. I know it doesn’t really make it better, but I’m sure that we’ll both find the right thing at the right time. Just know that I know how you feel.

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    • Thank you. It is just extremely frustrating isn’t it? It took a lot for me to even apply for this job so what little self belief I did have is now completely gone x

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    • Thank you for your kind words. I do think that a better job working with those with autism is out there for me. I am looking forward to taking out the 12 year old with autism and ADHD that I provide respite for tomorrow x

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      • That’s amazing in itself. My son is autistic and the only time I have respite is once a week when he’s at his dad’s. His dad won’t even have him for a full week so I can have a proper rest, as he says he’s to much to handle, yet expects me to be able too all the time! Kep up the good work. You’re already helping people 🙂

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      • I love doing respite. I have been doing it for over 4 years now. Sorry you don’t get respite. The family I help out would be in crisis now if they didn’t get a break x

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      • That’s okay. It’s not your fault. Personally, I think that there isn’t enough help for families with autistic children/adults. Perhaps ask them for personal references the next time u apply for a job. Include them. It couldn’t hurt? X

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      • I had them down as references for the job I was turned down for. They were more than happy to do a reference for me. I agree that there isn’t enough help for families with autism at all x

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