I’m Not Okay

Everything is such an effort right now. I am trying so hard to get out of this low. But it feels overwhelming. 

I didn’t want to go the gym tonight. I don’t know if not going on Thursday played a part. I couldn’t relax today. My anxiety was constantly there in the background.

I did go the gym. I felt like I was going through the motions. There was no escaping from my head tonight. It didn’t help that the class was really busy. I couldn’t wait for the class to finish. 

Talking to someone I trust is something that does tend to help. However, after I have reached out to someone I then feel stupid. I feel like I am a nuisance and that I bother others. As a result it’s rare for me to open up. 

I want to socialise but I find it so daunting. I am trapped in a cycle of wanting to socialise but because I find it difficult I then feel incredibly isolated. Mental illness has robbed me of my sociable side. Nowadays, I need prior warning when it comes to seeing people. This gives me the time to prepare for it. After any social situation I then ruminate over everything that happened. It’s draining and puts me off seeing people. 

It concerns me that I have little or no enjoyment in anything. I don’t see the point in doing things. The hopelessness and despair bring me to tears at unexpected times. 

I am at my wits end with my anxiety and depression. One minute I am on an even keel, the next I am in the depths of a crippling low. I feel really unstable. I can be laughing about something and then feeling anxious or low for no reason. I don’t know what to do anymore. 

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17 thoughts on “I’m Not Okay

  1. musicalbecki says:

    I just stumbled across your post. I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. Please know that you are not alone! I understand some of what you are saying, having experienced some crippling depression and anxiety recently. It’s hard to talk to people – especially those closest to you – but it will help. Please make sure you speak to someone πŸ™‚ Although you see it as you being a nuisance, the people who love you will never think that way. Good luck.

    Liked by 2 people

      • musicalbecki says:

        It might not look like it right now, but it will. And until you see it that way, those who care for you will just have to do all the believing for you πŸ™‚ I truly hope you start to feel better. Little steps – focus on the little things that you can control to start with. Sometimes the tiniest victories can feel the most important.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Laura H says:

    I’m with you absolutely – not only does it resonate but it resonates right now. You summed up how I’m feeling. My moods feel so unstable and unpredictable that it’s increasing the anxiety and affecting my recovery process with the agoraphobia. I just don’t have the energy to deal with all of it. Have you seen your GP or any therapist lately? I’ve asked for a referral to a psychiatrist to try to get further help — for me a diagnosis and treatment will be a positive step.

    Just take one day at a time. Half a day at a time. Have small achievable goals. Listen to music. I’ve just downloaded some classical music – piano only – as I’ve suddenly developed an unexplained comfort from that. In other words – take whatever little pleasures you can. And take care of you xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • I had CBT but this has now finished. I had it through a private therapist through my Dad’s work. I’m now waiting for CBT through the NHS. I had NHS counselling but it was awful. I think if I am still like this next week I am going to see my GP again. I don’t know what else she can do though x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sorry you’re not feeling good now. I pushed ‘like’ and want you to know I don’t like that you’re feeling low. Just wanted you to know we’re out here, and you’re not alone.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I want you to know that you are not alone as I’ve been there too and actually felt similarly yesterday. I tried so hard in the morning to work extra hard and then I didn’t do so well later in the afternoon. However, I am still determined to do better. We can’t give up! I hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. The part about reaching out resonates with me, because like you I felt I was being bothersome, and always convinced myself that my problems were always trivial compared to others, big mistake, because of that thinking it took me years to really open up, it was a relief.
    When your feeling so low, it’s difficult to find anything that will lift your mood or even focus on something else, it all seems too much effort for so little, and even if we have support we shun it, and then feel guilt because they were only trying to help it’s a tedious circle, it’s so hard to pull yourself from the pit, so to speak.

    Knowing that your not alone, there is hope, and you do have strength, you have the tools, it’s just finding that tiny spark to grab onto, it might not seem like much, but it’s something!You are determined I can tell to get back to life, baby steps, doesn’t matter if you falter the goal is the same back to wellness and to living your life they way you want to. I’m cheering you on, it’s a fight, which can be won:) xx

    Liked by 2 people

  6. lifeofmiblog says:

    For the best part of 50 years I have lived with this monster. I actually got to the point where I preferred to be down, I felt comfortable there, I still have to fight this now. But in recent weeks I have had days where I have been completely depression free, never had that before. So don’t give up, with the right psychiatrist and right meds it can happen. All the best

    Liked by 1 person

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