Dave and I had a much needed quiet weekend. I even managed to get 10 hours sleep on Saturday which is unheard of. I’m now back to being sleep deprived.
The friend situation is still getting to me. One of my friends has yet to respond to a message I sent her nearly a week ago. She promised Dom that she would see him during the summer holidays. Dom has asked frequently when we would see her. I messaged this friend last night asking which week would be best for her to meet up.
The most frustrating thing is the message has been delivered but not read even though she has been online on Whatsapp since. I am so pissed off for Dom in all honesty. Don’t make a promise to a young man with autism if you are not going to keep it. If I have inadvertently annoyed this friend it’s not fair to make Dom upset in the process.
I broke down on Sunday night. I told Dave that I feel that I have no friends. During my recent CBT sessions it has been highlighted that doing things with others will help my recovery. It’s hard to do this when you feel so alone and that you’re not worthy of people’s time. Even typing about this has me in tears. All this just adds to my low self worth. I don’t know what to do. I have emailed a local depression support group and they haven’t got back in touch.
I put myself out there and worry about others; a lot of the time putting my own mental health at risk. I feel that none of my friends even care about me. I’m sick of being the one to message them first, being that one to offload their problems on without any concern for how things are with me.
I am dreading my birthday next week. It’s just gonna highlight how much things have changed and not for the good. I don’t feel there is anything to celebrate.
To add to this, it’s our niece’s 2nd birthday right after mine. We’ve been invited to the zoo for the day. The thought of it is too much for me. I really struggle with busy places. A zoo on a Saturday in August is my idea of hell. I have felt incredibly anxious about the whole thing. I’m conscious that I have a busy week next week and I am concerned that I will be pushing myself too much with the zoo. Dave has seen how much it is bothering me. He has said that it is not worth going as it might spoil my birthday.
I don’t want to go to the Halestorm gig on Monday. I can’t bring myself to tell Dave. I just want to shut myself away from the world. But a part of me knows that this isn’t going to help my recovery.
I’m in the why should I bother mindset. I am trying so hard and it just feels like too many obstacles are in my way. It’s clear that I am not important to the vast majority of people.
I am sick of anxiety. The constant dread about leaving the house, being around people, the fear I will make a fool of myself and putting on a mask so no one sees that I am crumbling inside.
I am sick of depression. The never ending voice telling me how worthless I am, that no one cares, that makes even simple tasks seem impossible.
I want it all to end.