No end in sight

Dave and I had a much needed quiet weekend. I even managed to get 10 hours sleep on Saturday which is unheard of. I’m now back to being sleep deprived. 

The friend situation is still getting to me. One of my friends has yet to respond to a message I sent her nearly a week ago. She promised Dom that she would see him during the summer holidays. Dom has asked frequently when we would see her. I messaged this friend last night asking which week would be best for her to meet up. 

The most frustrating thing is the message has been delivered but not read even though she has been online on Whatsapp since. I am so pissed off for Dom in all honesty. Don’t make a promise to a young man with autism if you are not going to keep it. If I have inadvertently annoyed this friend it’s not fair to make Dom upset in the process. 

I broke down on Sunday night. I told Dave that I feel that I have no friends. During my recent CBT sessions it has been highlighted that doing things with others will help my recovery. It’s hard to do this when you feel so alone and that you’re not worthy of people’s time. Even typing about this has me in tears. All this just adds to my low self worth. I don’t know what to do. I have emailed a local depression support group and they haven’t got back in touch. 

I put myself out there and worry about others; a lot of the time putting my own mental health at risk. I feel that none of my friends even care about me. I’m sick of being the one to message them first, being that one to offload their problems on without any concern for how things are with me. 

I am dreading my birthday next week. It’s just gonna highlight how much things have changed and not for the good. I don’t feel there is anything to celebrate. 

To add to this, it’s our niece’s 2nd birthday right after mine. We’ve been invited to the zoo for the day. The thought of it is too much for me. I really struggle with busy places. A zoo on a Saturday in August is my idea of hell. I have felt incredibly anxious about the whole thing. I’m conscious that I have a busy week next week and I am concerned that I will be pushing myself too much with the zoo. Dave has seen how much it is bothering me. He has said that it is not worth going as it might spoil my birthday. 

I don’t want to go to the Halestorm gig on Monday. I can’t bring myself to tell Dave. I just want to shut myself away from the world. But a part of me knows that this isn’t going to help my recovery. 

I’m in the why should I bother mindset. I am trying so hard and it just feels like too many obstacles are in my way. It’s clear that I am not important to the vast majority of people. 

I am sick of anxiety. The constant dread about leaving the house, being around people, the fear I will make a fool of myself and putting on a mask so no one sees that I am crumbling inside. 

I am sick of depression. The never ending voice telling me how worthless I am, that no one cares, that makes even simple tasks seem impossible. 

I want it all to end. 

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15 thoughts on “No end in sight

  1. I’m so sorry you’re struggling, I really am. For the record, there are people who care about you and I am one of the many. Even though I’ve never actually met you, I can tell that you are a kind person. I know it may seem like your anxiety and depression will never end, but you will get through this if you continue to try your hardest, it might just take some time.

    Have you ever listened to music by Jewel? She has some really good songs that might be helpful for when you’re feeling down. For example, she has a song called “Down So Long” that talks about struggling but how eventually, she must get through it. She also has uplifting songs like, “Good Day”, etc. I really think you should look into her music if you haven’t already.

    Please remember that people are here for you, including me, and that if you need to talk I’m here as well as others. Stay strong!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. The Anxious Dragon says:

    Its so hard when your anxiety and depression are making you feel like no-one cares and then friends act in a way that seams to back up those thoughts. I can’t answer for the behaviour of your friends, but I can tell you that you are a worthwhile person. If you cant make it to the Zoo, don’t beat yourself up about it. Your niece will have a fantastic day, even if your not there. You need to make yourself a priority.
    As the comment above says, there are people out here who understand and care, please make use of us Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. this illness does make you isolated, especially as it no prohibiting you to do the things you want, and once in that spiral it’s difficult to get free of it.

    You are worth of anybody’s time and your own, but a big but you need to put yourself first, and to be frank, you’ve made the calls, so it’s up to them to reply, you can do no more than that.

    I resonate with the anxiety of going outside, during my last bout I took to walking at night, it was the only way I could manage being outside, strangley I met several people doing the same for the same reasons, we didn’t need more than basic interaction, we understood.

    Having Walter means you can go out each day, try and pick times like after 9am when most have gone to work and early evenings even if it’s around the block it’s something and a great way to empty your mind.

    I understand your anxiety about your up coming birthday, havea chat with Dave, and perhaps you can see theconcert at a later date, also just a small gathering in your home for family on your Birthday which might make it easier to cope with(Dom probably would enjoy it too).

    I had to let go of quite a few friends, and am better for it, they were in some cases toxic and not good for my well being I did a post about friends, my view might be a bit harsh but they also judged me harshly for having MH problems.

    https://therabbitholez.wordpress.com/2015/08/07/ill-be-there-for-you/

    As always take care and we are here for you 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I tend to take Walter for his walks based on what I am doing that day. I like to tire him out before I go the gym or to take Dom out. I will definitely read your post about friends. Dave and I had a long chat last night and as always it helped x

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi there, I’ve been reading through some of your posts and can’t help but see so many similarities from my own experience. My “break down” happened just three days before my 30th birthday. I had been previously diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Unfortunately I felt trapped at work, home, everywhere and even stated those same words you have written above “I want it all to end”. It was extreme indifference for me, not caring what happened next. If an asteroid fell on my house, oh well…if I won the lottery, oh well. It was indifference to a level I had never experienced. I was fortunate enough to have a great therapist and psychologist who were open and able to help me climb from my hole. I wish I could tell you it’s a quick process and I’m perfect now but it’s definitely not that simple. However, I was able to come up with some tools/strategies that continue to help me to this day.
    With my OCD, I’m a checker, I have to check the oven, door lock, light switch, etc. over and over to make sure they are turned off; if not the anxiety would build. This snowball effect was crippling. First I went through multiple medications, some worked better than others, until I found the best one with the least side effects. These disorders are as much physiological as they are psychological so I treated it the same way I would treat high blood pressure or diabetes. Anyhow, once I had reached some level of equilibrium, when approached with a “checking” situation I would ask myself “Mark, would a grown adult be able to lock a door successfully” and, I know how silly it sounded, but I knew the answer was “Yes”. What that taught me was that this “check” was not a valid check, it was an OCD check. Now this all took a matter of microseconds in my head, but just the slight pause where I asked myself the question, made a huge difference. I then started to use this with anxiety and depression. When a situation arises, I say, “Mark, is this a situation that would make most people anxious or just me?” Since there are truly anxious times I “allowed” myself to feel anxious because it was a truly anxious time. But, if it was something that I said, “You know, this is my anxiety, not the situation” it was empowering to know that, while I couldn’t control the possible tight chested, heart racing shivers, I could tell my brain “Aha! I know what this is”. I used this same tool for depression as well (is this a situation where others would be depressed (funeral) or just the fake, irrational depression (depressed at an exciting event)). The whole process took at most a second or two tops, but the pause and kicking in the intellectual part of the brain seemed to help me. It’s not a cure and won’t make it go away, but it does provide me a chance to say, “this feeling may not be reasonable”, which makes it easier to deal with than treating all OCD, Anxiety, and Depressed thoughts the same way.
    I don’t know if this would be any help to you, but I wanted to share just in case it might provide some sort of relief. I also wanted to reiterate what many others have said on this blog, you are not alone and there are ways to control and beat this thing. I wish you the best of luck and look forward to continue reading your blog. (Sorry for such a long post) 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for taking the time to comment. Unfortunately I have been like this on and off for years. I was finally diagnosed with anxiety and depression in December. I feel indifferent like you described a lot of the time. I am currently completing a mood diary as part of my CBT treatment. I’m hoping this helps in my recovery x

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  5. You mention someone with autism, can’t you join your local nas group? Mine have been so good I’ve actually become a volunteer with them. My local group do loads, even the adults can get out an meet adults. Maybe worth you looking into it?

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      • That’s good. Getting out and meeting propel in similar positions will help. I’m glad I joined and became a volunteer with my local nas group, the playgroup girls are great, but meeting other parents in same circumstances as myself is a great help. Hopefully you’ll feel better in yourself too. I wish you the best of luck!

        Liked by 1 person

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