As this week has gone by, I have felt an overwhelming sense of dread when I need to get out of bed each morning. I wish I hadn’t said that I would work this week. It is really difficult being around people at the moment. I feel like I am trapped in a bubble of depression; looking in on other people who seem so happy and content.
Each day I wake up more exhausted then the previous day. Each day it is more challenging to fight this and keep going.
This week has highlighted how lonely I feel. After the gym last night, I cried when I was driving home. What few friends I have just don’t bother with me even when I make the effort. This in turn is leading me to not open up for fear of being hurt. My messages are now being totally ignored by certain friends.
Dave knows that I am struggling. But he doesn’t know that I have felt suicidal. I really don’t want to go the gym tomorrow morning. It didn’t help me what so ever last night. It just made me feel paranoid and self conscious.
I sometimes feel invisible. No matter how much effort I make, I am met with silence from people. This makes the idea of suicide more appealing. I won’t be missed and I won’t have to feel this awful ever again.
I’m still struggling to get enough sleep. Normally, this has a huge impact on my mental state. But, my mood has been quite stable this week. I am looking forward to having a much needed lie in bed on Sunday morning.
Work is going well. Fortunately I get on so well with both Little Miss and Dom’s family. They are appreciative of me and this makes me feel like I am making a difference.
Yesterday I met up with two people from a depression forum that I use. For a long time, I have wanted to meet others who have anxiety and depression. We met in a park and I took Walter with me. Walter really helped. Both people loved him and Walter loved being the centre of attention. It was strange being able to talk so openly and honestly about how depression and anxiety impacts me. I felt it went really well. We talked for about an hour and a half before we left. We have arranged to meet up again in two weeks. Hopefully, two other people from the forum will also join us.
My appointment with the crisis team is a week on Monday. I finally received a letter in the post earlier in the week. I’m not expecting much from the appointment as the crisis team have been far from helpful.
Dave and I are going for a meal tomorrow night. We have vouchers for the restaurant we went to for my birthday because we had such a bad experience. We’re both looking forward to it. I think it’s what we need after the upset last Saturday.
A big Happy 13th Birthday to Dominic, one of my favourite people.
For the past four years I have been lucky enough to be your “support worker” as you refer to me. It is an honour and privilege that I get to help you reach your full potential. You have shown that those with Autism and ADHD can make progress. It’s hard to believe you are now a teenager. It feels like just yesterday that you were 8 years old; when you were terrified of dogs and fireworks, struggled with changes and resistant to trying new things.
Love your hugely proud support worker x
Thank you so much to Vicky Louise and Em for nominating me for this award.
So the rules for this award are as follows:
Thank the blogger who nominated you for the award.
Display the banner/sticker/logo on your blog.
Share 7 facts or things about yourself.
Nominate 5 bloggers that you admire and inform nominees by commenting on their blog.
7 Facts About Me:
- I love a good coffee from Starbucks both iced and hot
- I’m not a morning person
- Autumn is my favourite season. I love wrapping up in jumpers and walking through all the colourful leaves
- I passed my theory and practical driving test first time
- I have that many films on DVD that I have them sorted in alphabetical order so I can find a particular film if I fancy watching it
- Mayonnaise is amazing
- I taught myself to juggle three juggling balls
Things came to a head between Dave and I on Saturday. It had been coming. We’d been snapping at each other for a few weeks. It’s understandable given we have anxiety and depression to contend with every day.
I went the gym on Saturday morning. I then rushed to get ready to go over to our friends house. We weren’t able to take Walter to our friends house. This meant us going out of our way to drop him off at my parents house.
So we dropped Walter off and start heading over. We had no idea that there were roadworks which meant road closures. It’s important to note that my anxiety is always high before any form of social gathering. Dave was driving and normally he is quite cool, calm and collected. But even he found it stressful. Dave ended up snapping at me; I ended up in tears and having a panic attack which included me screaming how it would be better for everyone if I killed myself.
Dave pulled into a quiet street as it wasn’t a good idea for him to be driving at this point.
I think we both needed the blowout. We walk on eggshells because of my anxiety and depression. As horrible as it was to be arguing, we were both able to be honest about things. This included me admitting to Dave that I still have suicidal thoughts. Dave also talked about how difficult it can be for him.
I wasn’t in the right place to be seeing our friends. So Dave messaged them to say that the traffic was bad and could we reschedule.
I think from now on I need to listen to myself more often. All week I had been struggling with the idea of going to our friends on Saturday. Yet I tried to ignore it which ended up making me feel even worse.
We ended up enjoying the rest of the weekend instead of letting our argument spoil it. Next Saturday Dave and I are going to go for a meal. I think it will do us both good.
Emotionally, I am in a strange place right now. My depression seems to have a hold right now. It is not an unbearably tight grip, but it feels like it is constantly there; like a tap slowly dripping.
It is difficult to articulate. I have felt numb, a complete nothingness the majority of the time. I am becoming increasingly tired. I suspect this is due to the amount of energy even the most basic tasks are taking. My sleep has gone shitty again. I feel exhausted but frequently struggle to actually fall asleep.
Any form of social interaction is a challenge. We have plans to see friends on Saturday afternoon and I would rather just sit in. The gym isn’t providing any enjoyment or respite from the low mood.
I am still waiting on my appointment with the crisis team to do some work around my anxiety. In the meantime, I don’t know what to do. There isn’t a decent GP at my doctors for me to go to.
Although things are becoming increasingly difficult, I am still tackling my depression and anxiety head on. I am getting up each morning, working when I am supposed to be, taking Walter for a walk every day and still going the gym four times a week.
Thank you to James over at Hope Blogs for nominating me for the Liebster Award.
The rules are as follows:
- Thank the wonderful person who nominated you.
- Display the logo for the award
- Nominate 10 other bloggers
- Answer the questions that the person who nominated you has set.
James’ questions and my answers:
1. What is your favourite thing to do?
It depends on my mood. I love going to classes at the gym, going out for walks with Dave and Walter and reading
2. Why do you write your blog ?
The main reason initially for writing my blog was as a way of dealing with my depression and anxiety. Now I also like to help other people who also live with mental illness see that they are not alone. I enjoy being a part of the wordpress community.
3. What’s your favourite memory?
My wedding day
4. Do you think technology is good or bad ?
Both. There are positives and negatives to technology.
5. How many blog drafts / ideas do you have ? Tease us :p
I have a few at any given time. Some drafts have been there for months. Other ideas will come to me randomly.
First Time Valley Mam
Bipolar to Happiness
Bipolar Dad, Bipolar Daughter
The Sound of Ed’s Voice
Square Peg in a Round Hole
Smiling Through Recovery
Getting Through Anxiety
- What is your favourite film franchise?
- How did you come up with your blog name?
- Favourite breed of dog?
- If a film were to be made about your life which actor/actress would you want to play you and why?
- Your life motto?