As this week has gone by, I have felt an overwhelming sense of dread when I need to get out of bed each morning. I wish I hadn’t said that I would work this week. It is really difficult being around people at the moment. I feel like I am trapped in a bubble of depression; looking in on other people who seem so happy and content.
Each day I wake up more exhausted then the previous day. Each day it is more challenging to fight this and keep going.
This week has highlighted how lonely I feel. After the gym last night, I cried when I was driving home. What few friends I have just don’t bother with me even when I make the effort. This in turn is leading me to not open up for fear of being hurt. My messages are now being totally ignored by certain friends.
Dave knows that I am struggling. But he doesn’t know that I have felt suicidal. I really don’t want to go the gym tomorrow morning. It didn’t help me what so ever last night. It just made me feel paranoid and self conscious.
I sometimes feel invisible. No matter how much effort I make, I am met with silence from people. This makes the idea of suicide more appealing. I won’t be missed and I won’t have to feel this awful ever again.
I’m still struggling to get enough sleep. Normally, this has a huge impact on my mental state. But, my mood has been quite stable this week. I am looking forward to having a much needed lie in bed on Sunday morning.
Work is going well. Fortunately I get on so well with both Little Miss and Dom’s family. They are appreciative of me and this makes me feel like I am making a difference.
Yesterday I met up with two people from a depression forum that I use. For a long time, I have wanted to meet others who have anxiety and depression. We met in a park and I took Walter with me. Walter really helped. Both people loved him and Walter loved being the centre of attention. It was strange being able to talk so openly and honestly about how depression and anxiety impacts me. I felt it went really well. We talked for about an hour and a half before we left. We have arranged to meet up again in two weeks. Hopefully, two other people from the forum will also join us.
My appointment with the crisis team is a week on Monday. I finally received a letter in the post earlier in the week. I’m not expecting much from the appointment as the crisis team have been far from helpful.
Dave and I are going for a meal tomorrow night. We have vouchers for the restaurant we went to for my birthday because we had such a bad experience. We’re both looking forward to it. I think it’s what we need after the upset last Saturday.
A big Happy 13th Birthday to Dominic, one of my favourite people.
For the past four years I have been lucky enough to be your “support worker” as you refer to me. It is an honour and privilege that I get to help you reach your full potential. You have shown that those with Autism and ADHD can make progress. It’s hard to believe you are now a teenager. It feels like just yesterday that you were 8 years old; when you were terrified of dogs and fireworks, struggled with changes and resistant to trying new things.
Things came to a head between Dave and I on Saturday. It had been coming. We’d been snapping at each other for a few weeks. It’s understandable given we have anxiety and depression to contend with every day.
I went the gym on Saturday morning. I then rushed to get ready to go over to our friends house. We weren’t able to take Walter to our friends house. This meant us going out of our way to drop him off at my parents house.
So we dropped Walter off and start heading over. We had no idea that there were roadworks which meant road closures. It’s important to note that my anxiety is always high before any form of social gathering. Dave was driving and normally he is quite cool, calm and collected. But even he found it stressful. Dave ended up snapping at me; I ended up in tears and having a panic attack which included me screaming how it would be better for everyone if I killed myself.
Dave pulled into a quiet street as it wasn’t a good idea for him to be driving at this point.
I think we both needed the blowout. We walk on eggshells because of my anxiety and depression. As horrible as it was to be arguing, we were both able to be honest about things. This included me admitting to Dave that I still have suicidal thoughts. Dave also talked about how difficult it can be for him.
I wasn’t in the right place to be seeing our friends. So Dave messaged them to say that the traffic was bad and could we reschedule.
I think from now on I need to listen to myself more often. All week I had been struggling with the idea of going to our friends on Saturday. Yet I tried to ignore it which ended up making me feel even worse.
We ended up enjoying the rest of the weekend instead of letting our argument spoil it. Next Saturday Dave and I are going to go for a meal. I think it will do us both good.
Emotionally, I am in a strange place right now. My depression seems to have a hold right now. It is not an unbearably tight grip, but it feels like it is constantly there; like a tap slowly dripping.
It is difficult to articulate. I have felt numb, a complete nothingness the majority of the time. I am becoming increasingly tired. I suspect this is due to the amount of energy even the most basic tasks are taking. My sleep has gone shitty again. I feel exhausted but frequently struggle to actually fall asleep.
Any form of social interaction is a challenge. We have plans to see friends on Saturday afternoon and I would rather just sit in. The gym isn’t providing any enjoyment or respite from the low mood.
I am still waiting on my appointment with the crisis team to do some work around my anxiety. In the meantime, I don’t know what to do. There isn’t a decent GP at my doctors for me to go to.
Although things are becoming increasingly difficult, I am still tackling my depression and anxiety head on. I am getting up each morning, working when I am supposed to be, taking Walter for a walk every day and still going the gym four times a week.
Thank you to James over at Hope Blogs for nominating me for the Liebster Award.
The rules are as follows:
Thank the wonderful person who nominated you.
Display the logo for the award
Nominate 10 other bloggers
Answer the questions that the person who nominated you has set.
James’ questions and my answers:
1. What is your favourite thing to do?
It depends on my mood. I love going to classes at the gym, going out for walks with Dave and Walter and reading
2. Why do you write your blog ?
The main reason initially for writing my blog was as a way of dealing with my depression and anxiety. Now I also like to help other people who also live with mental illness see that they are not alone. I enjoy being a part of the wordpress community.
3. What’s your favourite memory?
My wedding day
4. Do you think technology is good or bad ?
Both. There are positives and negatives to technology.
5. How many blog drafts / ideas do you have ? Tease us :p
I have a few at any given time. Some drafts have been there for months. Other ideas will come to me randomly.
You might hear these three little words a lot throughout any given day. Or, if like me you suffer with mental illness, it seems that others rarely say these three words.
Since my breakdown last year, I have noticed that the majority of my friends never ask me how I am. For someone like me, who is a caring and sensitive person, this is hard to deal with. Whenever I speak to one of my friends, I always ask how they are. I genuinely care how my friends are.
So why don’t my friends ask me how I am? Am I reading into this too much?
Maybe they are too afraid with how I will respond to this simple question. That I will tell them things they don’t want to hear or not know how to respond to. But every time I am having a conversation and my friend fails to ask how I am it hurts.
The majority of the time I am fighting an internal battle with the thoughts in my head. These thoughts tell me that I am worthless, no one cares and that I will end up alone to name but a few. I spend a lot of time listening to my friends. They are quick to get in touch with me when things aren’t going well. Yet they don’t reciprocate. They don’t give me an opportunity to talk about how things are with me. This then backs up the negative thoughts I have about myself.
I am not suggesting that I want an indepth discussion about the goings on in my head every time I am talking with a friend. But a small interest in how I am can help alleviate the battle in my head, even if it is temporary.
The reason I am posting this today is because it is World Mental Health Awareness Day. If you know someone is struggling with mental illness please make sure you ask how they are. Sometimes you might not get much of a response which is fine. But you might help someone feel able to open up to you and help make the burden of mental illness just that little bit lighter.
Today I was interviewed as part of a research project that is being funded by the National Institute of Health. This research is part of a PHD study. The findings of this study will have an impact on changes that will and should be made to those accessing therapies for mental illness. I will be receiving a copy of the summary of the findings when it is published.
It was a really positive experience. I felt like I could be totally open and honest about my experiences. I really hope that my suggestions will be taken on board but we will have to wait and see.
Moodwise, I was bit low yesterday. It started on Sunday and I became quite anxious. Nothing seemed to triggered it which was frustrating. This impacted my sleep on Sunday so I felt exhausted yesterday. I managed to persevere through the day and go to bodycombat in the evening. I am so glad I did as I felt so much better by the end of the class.
Emotionally I am in a better place. Tomorrow I am going to the gym in the morning. It’s my sister’s birthday so I am going out for a New Yorker afternoon tea with her and my mum. I am really looking forward to it. It’s a welcome change from being anxious about a social event. I will make sure to take some photos.
I’m working with little miss on Thursday and Friday. We have one of our friends coming over on Sunday which should be good. On Monday it is mine and Dave’s 1st wedding anniversary. We are both off work all day. If the weather is ok we are going to go out with Walter during the day. We have a meal booked at our wedding venue in the evening. This was part of our wedding package so it is totally free. We are also taking a lovelock to put on the fence in the gardens. This was only started earlier this year.
I can’t believe Dave and I got married a year ago. As much as this year has been incredibly hard for us in terms of my mental health, I also think it has made us stronger as a couple.
As Dom’s school was closed for teacher training today I took him out today rather than Wednesday. We had planned beforehand that we would go to Pizza Hut for lunch.
Dom and I spend a lot of time eating in a variety of restaurants. I have come across a range of staff working in these places; from staff that are unsure how to take Dom or are just plain rude to staff that go the extra mile for him.
Today we had the nicest waitress named Holly. For a start, she actually interacted with Dom directly instead of doing so through me. She tried really hard to play Birthday by Katy Perry when Dominic asked. During a visit to Pizza Hut in the summer holidays this song came on. Holly even tried to get it played on her phone on youtube and hook it up to the speakers in Pizza Hut. Unfortunately, her manager told her she couldn’t.
I thanked Holly before we left. I said that Dom has autism and ADHD and that most people aren’t as patient or considerate with him.
So if I were to email or send a letter to Holly I would send the following:
Today you were our waitress in Pizza Hut. The restaurant became increasingly busy during our time there. Yet you made Dom and I feel welcome.
I really appreciate you trying to play Katy Perry’s Birthday at Dom’s request. Thank you so much for taking the time to explain to Dom the reason why the song couldn’t be played.
Even when the restaurant was busy you took the time to show Dom where the icecream factory was. I encourage Dom to make requests himself in restaurants. Yet staff frequently talk to me rather than Dom.
Finally, thank you for engaging in conversation with about his interests. He talked about you for the rest of our time together. This is a sure sign that you had made such a good impression with him. Dom wants to return to Pizza Hut during the October half term in the hopes of seeing you again.
From Gemma, Dom’s personal assistant for the past four years.