Rough Runner now feeling rough

Before I talk Rough Runner, I want to say how happy I am that I finally saw my GP last week. He took my concerns regarding my chest seriously. I was told I had bronchitis and that my asthma is now worse. He gave me a brown, preventative inhaler which I was  delighted about and have to use twice a day. We talked about my recent serious low too. He said that as long as I am able to bring myself out of these lows (which I am) that it is not something to worry about. It seems that I really am too harsh on myself when my mental health isn’t so good.

Rough Runner was hard going. I am glad I did it though. It’s safe to say that I won’t be doing it again. I haven’t caught the bug for events like this. Afterwards, some of us got food from stalls at the event. My mate and I both got a hot dog from the same stall. 

Fast forward to Monday evening and I started feeling nauseous. By the time I got home from work, I was vomiting. It got even worse. I was sat on the toilet while having to vomit into the sink. Combine this with horrible stomach cramps, uncontrollable sweating and shivering and I have come to the conclusion that I got food poisoning. My friend started feeling the same yesterday morning. So I am now convinced it was from the hot dog we had on Sunday. 

I have been off work today and yesterday. The stomach pains have finally gone today but I have no appetite and I am so tired. Walter has been stuck to me the past few days, bless him. 

One reason I am not really set on doing rough runner again or similar events in the future is due to a hopeful positive change in circumstances. Dave and I have been talking a lot over the last few months about having a baby. We have decided that once we are settled in our new house we are going to start trying for a baby so at some point in the new year. I spoke to my GP about this as I obviously have a number of concerns. I feel better for talking to him about it. 

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A world without Down’s Syndrome? No thanks!

This post is in relation to the recent documentary of the above title that was shown on the BBC last week. 

Is it really 2016? Do I really live in a country that sees difference as less? Apparently so…

Instead of seeing those with Down’s Syndrome as a burden, I wish the world could see the many positives and benefits. It is important to bear in mind that the physical health problems that can affect those with Down’s Syndrome can also be present in anyone of us. 

The information given to expectant mothers in this country does not help them make truly informed decisions. It appears that it is all doom and gloom if you have a child with Down’s Syndrome. How can any medical professional categorically say that a newborn baby with Down’s Syndrome will not meet particular milestones? We are living in a society that sees people in terms of how much they will cost, not their strengths or what they can offer their communities. 

I have worked with the most amazing teenager with Down’s Syndrome for a little over a year. It is not an exaggeration that she has helped me as much as I have helped her. 

September 2015 saw me at a low; I was under the crisis team and rarely leaving the house. My anxiety and depression had complete control of me. I started working with Faith mid September. She was like a ray of sunshine. She gave me a reason to leave the house. Faith genuinely misses me when I am unable to work with her. She cares about me so much and this was very much needed at my lowest. 

In the space of a year, Faith has developed her own self help skills. She can now fasten buttons, organise her belongings for school and tidy up after herself. Faith is an active member of her local guides group. She has friends there. When we first started going, Faith would be practically glued to me. Now, she will go over and sit with her friends and initiate conversations. She is so much more confident. Faith completed the summer reading challenge in her local library. She has gone up an entire level in her reading! Faith’s sense of humour has come on leaps and bounds. Her emotional understanding is always improving. She apologises when she is in the wrong and can explain why she is sorry. Faith is lovely with animals. She loves nothing more than walking round the park with Walter and Bella. Faith wants to learn new skills and to be as independent as possible. She just needs more help to show her how. 

I am fully aware that a child with Down’s Syndrome brings its own challenges. Faith can be incredible stubborn, easily distracted, bossy and can choose to do things how and when she wants. Not everyone feels they are able to have a child with Down’s Syndrome which is completely understandable. 

This post isn’t intended to shame those who feel unable to have a child with Down’s Syndrome. I am all for pro choice. But bear in mind that a diagnosis of Down’s Syndrome is not necessarily a bad one. Working with a child with Down’s Syndrome has made me more patient, empathetic, caring, tolerant and understanding. I get to laugh, smile and enjoy life in so many ways thanks to Down’s Syndrome. 

I dread to think what my life would be like without the wonder that is Down’s Syndrome. 

Anxiety Girl

This weekend has shown that this is so me. The situation at work was blown out of proportion on a momentous scale. I convinced myself that I would have to give up work. As a result, I felt utterly exhausted. I slept for 12 hours straight on Sunday night. Even then, I was still drained when I woke up. 

Everything at work is resolved. Yesterday it was like nothing happened, which was exactly what I wanted. 

So tomorrow I am seeing my GP. It’s for a combination of mental and physical health issues. My anxiety and depression is so severe that Dave felt I was as bad as I was when I was under the crisis team last year. It was scary. I have really had to push myself to leave the house and to spend time with people. My chest is still not good. I managed to go to BodyCombat on Monday night. But my chest hurt the entire time. I struggled so much. I have this barking cough that makes an appearance whenever I physically exert myself and the chest pain radiates to my back. At times, I have constant chest pains. On Sunday I am doing Rough Runner so I have no choice but to completely rest until then. 

On a more positive note, today is mine and Dave’s 2nd wedding anniversary. We are both off work all day. We are going to take Walter to dog playtime and go for a meal. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful, amazing and supportive husband.

Rock Bottom

Have you ever cried so much that your whole face hurts? Your eyes feel heavy and you feel exhausted from using up so much energy. This is my current state. 

After managing to spend the day with my friend, her little girl and our dogs, my mood had started to improve. But due to an incident at work, I am at rock bottom. I am now questioning myself in so many ways. 

I can’t go into detail about what happened, but I absolutely broke down in work. I tried incredibly hard not to get upset. But now I am home I think that my anxiety was so high that I was having a severe panic attack. When driving home from work (early I may add as my boss was so concerned for my emotional state) I spent the entire drive thinking of ways I wanted to hurt myself. I can safely say I didn’t act upon any of these. But it has left me scared and uneasy. 

This whole incident has me questioning  whether I can continue certain aspects of my jobs. I felt that I had done the right thing. But I was made to feel that I was in the wrong. I find the whole thing really sad. I feel that I go above and beyond in my jobs. I feel like it has all been thrown back in my face. 

Dave is unaware of anything about tonight. He is in work until 10pm and I felt it completely unfair on him to get in touch with him. It would only upset him and he wouldn’t be able to do anything to help. 

Part of me is embarassed that I reacted like this. It just highlights how unstable I am. I want to just hibernate for a while. It feels that there is one thing after another. I use so much energy to get through each day and for what?

A bump in the road

I have debated about whether I should write this post. Especially as things have been going so well for me. But I also think it is important that I acknowledge on here when things aren’t so great. 

The truth is, my mood has got progressively worse over the past few days. At the beginning of the week, I continued to push through it. But last night I came home from work and just cried. Everything feels overwhelming; work, the gym, even interacting with people. 

I am trying so hard to be kind to myself. My default mode whenever I am struggling is to chastise myself. I have done a 6km run with my friend, a PT session involving weights and boxing and a bodycombat class. I am still going to work even though it is taking every ounce of my being to be my usual self with Dom and Faith. But I can’t help repeatedly telling myself that I am just not good enough. 

I have decided to give Zumba and Bodysculpt a miss tomorrow. I am aching all over from going back to the gym. Particularly my thighs. I am struggling to get enough sleep so I could do with chilling out tomorrow during the day. On Friday, Walter and I are going to meet up with my mate, her dog and her nearly 4 year old for a dog walk. 

Dave and my mate know that I am struggling. They are both really worried. But they don’t know the full extent of how much I am struggling…

Depression likes to tell me that my life is worthless, that I don’t deserve to be happy, nobody likes me and that I am just an annoyance to those around me. So it is extremely hard to believe that this will eventually pass.