Rock Bottom

Have you ever cried so much that your whole face hurts? Your eyes feel heavy and you feel exhausted from using up so much energy. This is my current state. 

After managing to spend the day with my friend, her little girl and our dogs, my mood had started to improve. But due to an incident at work, I am at rock bottom. I am now questioning myself in so many ways. 

I can’t go into detail about what happened, but I absolutely broke down in work. I tried incredibly hard not to get upset. But now I am home I think that my anxiety was so high that I was having a severe panic attack. When driving home from work (early I may add as my boss was so concerned for my emotional state) I spent the entire drive thinking of ways I wanted to hurt myself. I can safely say I didn’t act upon any of these. But it has left me scared and uneasy. 

This whole incident has me questioning  whether I can continue certain aspects of my jobs. I felt that I had done the right thing. But I was made to feel that I was in the wrong. I find the whole thing really sad. I feel that I go above and beyond in my jobs. I feel like it has all been thrown back in my face. 

Dave is unaware of anything about tonight. He is in work until 10pm and I felt it completely unfair on him to get in touch with him. It would only upset him and he wouldn’t be able to do anything to help. 

Part of me is embarassed that I reacted like this. It just highlights how unstable I am. I want to just hibernate for a while. It feels that there is one thing after another. I use so much energy to get through each day and for what?

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9 thoughts on “Rock Bottom

  1. I have had days like that. I always felt like I couldn’t go back to work, I couldn’t get past it, and then when I did show up- things were usually normal. I hope you feel better, I hope you take good care of you. Get hydrated and eat some protein. Get some good sleep.

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  2. 🙌🏼 I’m with you. I’m at that point of like for what? But seriously ask yourself for what? Walter? Dave? Aren’t they good enough? Focus on the small. Take a small self care break and focus on yourself. Sleep for a day or two. Paint your nails. Avoid the sad music/movies and other triggers for the emotions. It calls. I know bc I hear it in my head begging me to give in to it. I have a playlist for this exact moment. But I just make teeny little goals and I get proud of myself when I accomplish them. Build confidence. Learned it in DBT.

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  3. sorry about the delay in commenting, I hope your mood has improved since writing this. I think that, even though it’s hard, it’s important to remember how far you’ve come, and how strong you have been! Just from reading your blog, I know how many lows and how many hard times you have fought through, and come out on the other side. And I also know that depression takes away your perspective, so it might be hard to realise when you feel so shitty that you are strong, and it is worth carrying on so you can experience the good times. Hope you feel better soon xxx

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    • Thank you for the kind words. My mood has improved since Friday. You are so right about depression distorting my perspective x

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  4. Hi Gemma, thanks for the like and I’ve just visited you for the first time in a while and read your latest blog. Hope you’re feeling better after a couple of days. I think what I wrote about being kind to yourself is really important. Please make sure that you’re taking time to look after yourself. Lots of love xxx

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