Have you ever cried so much that your whole face hurts? Your eyes feel heavy and you feel exhausted from using up so much energy. This is my current state.
After managing to spend the day with my friend, her little girl and our dogs, my mood had started to improve. But due to an incident at work, I am at rock bottom. I am now questioning myself in so many ways.
I can’t go into detail about what happened, but I absolutely broke down in work. I tried incredibly hard not to get upset. But now I am home I think that my anxiety was so high that I was having a severe panic attack. When driving home from work (early I may add as my boss was so concerned for my emotional state) I spent the entire drive thinking of ways I wanted to hurt myself. I can safely say I didn’t act upon any of these. But it has left me scared and uneasy.
This whole incident has me questioning whether I can continue certain aspects of my jobs. I felt that I had done the right thing. But I was made to feel that I was in the wrong. I find the whole thing really sad. I feel that I go above and beyond in my jobs. I feel like it has all been thrown back in my face.
Dave is unaware of anything about tonight. He is in work until 10pm and I felt it completely unfair on him to get in touch with him. It would only upset him and he wouldn’t be able to do anything to help.
Part of me is embarassed that I reacted like this. It just highlights how unstable I am. I want to just hibernate for a while. It feels that there is one thing after another. I use so much energy to get through each day and for what?