Mummy Guilt

How is possible that at 18 weeks pregnant I am already experiencing Mummy guilt? There are two reasons. The first came about at what I thought was going to be a routine asthma review. 

Last Friday afternoon, I had a routine asthma review. The day after my review, my asthma became worse due to a cold I had getting on to my chest which is just typical. When I arrived for my appointment, the receptionist told me that I needed a doctor’s appointment to discuss my recent blood tests. Luckily, I managed to get an appointment after my asthma review. 

I am taking folic acid and vitamin D and I was told that I needed blood tests in order to receive more. I was advised to take this while pregnant. My vitamin D levels are low. But is it any wonder when I live in the UK? We don’t get enough sun. 

When looking through my notes, the doctor found that I was on paroxetine. She said that I shouldn’t be taking this when pregnant. I felt so sick, anxious and let down. As soon as I knew I was pregnant I saw my GP so I could discuss my medication. I was told paroxetine would be fine to take. To then be told that fluoxetine is a safer SSRI  made me feel so guilty. I have been risking my baby’s health and it could have been avoided. Paroxetine has an associated risk of heart problems in babies during their first few months. The only reassurance I have is that each and every scan we have had, our little girl has had a strong, healthy heart. I have been taking fluoxetine since Sunday and I see my midwife a week today. I need to book an appointment to see the GP next week so they can see how I am doing. 

The other reason I feel guilty is my lack of appetite and nausea which seems to have got worse again rather than better. I have been making a conscious effort to eat healthy. Yet thanks to morning sickness (which by the way, happens any time of day) I threw up all the grapes I had managed to eat. I worry that my little girl isn’t getting enough nutrition to grow and be healthy. 

I think I am dwelling on things a lot more than I normally would. As I mentioned earlier, I have been physically unwell. I am finally starting to feel better. Although I don’t work much, I do have a routine; going the gym, seeing family and friends, walking Walter. All of this has gone out of the window. I have been stuck in the house. Thankfully, I have Dom in a few hours and the sun is shining. 

Advertisements

One Love

I had wanted to post about the bombing at Manchester Arena when it happened. But, I felt I couldn’t put into words how upset I was. It is bad enough to hear of terrorist attacks happening, but to have one target an event that had so many children, young people and their families is something of pure evil. 

Manchester Arena is somewhere I have been to dozens of times to see some of my favourite bands. I have so many fond memories from nights there. It breaks my heart that an event that children had looked forward to could be at the heart of such carnage. 

I’m not much of a crier. But since becoming pregnant, I find that I am more sensitive to things. I shed a lot of tears over the Manchester Arena attack. I can’t begin to think how the families of all those killed are coping and all those injured. 

Right now, I am sat watching yesterday’s One Love concert. I have cried for most of it. Music is a powerful thing. I just can’t get my head around the world we live in. 

Within the past two weeks we have had two horrible terrorist attacks in the UK. It makes me worry for my little girl when she is born in 5 months time. 

I don’t want to live my life in fear. All this has made me more determined to make the most of each and every day. There is too much good in the world to give up and let these terrorists win. 

Busy Bank Holiday

Today Dave and I have finally managed to get some proper downtime. It is much needed as it has felt that we haven’t stopped for the past two days. 

On Saturday we went for a private gender scan. Here in the UK, you are only given 2 scans if you considered a low risk pregnancy (which I am); one around 12 weeks and another at 20 weeks. I am nearly 17 weeks pregnant and from 16 weeks a baby’s gender can be detected on scans. 

We were recommended a place to go for a gender scan by my friend who had her little boy at the end of March. There was an offer on so we actually got a gender scan and a sneek peak 4D scan for Β£39. 

The staff were lovely at the gender scan. Dave and I did have doubts that the person performing the scan would know what she was doing. But, she let us know that she works at a local hospital we both know. I felt that they explained a lot more about what was on the screen and reassured us that our baby is healthy and doing well. 

Our baby was lying on their tummy at first. I was asked to go and empty my bladder. When I came back in, they had flipped over but their legs were together with their feet up. It was suggested I went for a walk to see if that would get the baby to move into a position that they could determine the gender. This worked and we were told that…

IT’S A GIRL!!! πŸ’—πŸ‘ΆπŸ»πŸ’–

I had a feeling we were having a girl. I had a dream about a week or so ago that the baby was a girl. We love our little girl so much already and we have picked a name for her. 

I loved telling our family and friends our news. They were all so happy and excited for us. My Mum has already been knitting cardigans and hats. 

Yesterday we spent the day with our friend and her two girls who are 6 and 4. They adore Dave and he said he feels so much more comfortable that he will have a daughter because we spend so much time with them. 

It is lovely knowing that we are having a girl. It makes it feel so much more real. Plus, I hated having to say it or them. I have been talking to our baby since we knew I was pregnant. I love using her name or saying she or her. 

I have my next midwife appointment in two weeks and my 20 week scan two weeks after that. I can’t wait to see our little girl in a few weeks!!!

Pregnancy and Mental Illness

Pregnancy is such a huge change emotionally and physically. 

Firstly, I couldn’t believe when I did the first pregnancy test that it did say I was pregnant. Dave and I were so lucky; I came off the pill in November and by February I was pregnant. I have read countless stories of couples really struggling for years to conceive. 

The first few weeks I was pregnant I was in a heightened state of anxiety. I was constantly googling every single symptom I had. It was exhausting. I had some abdominal cramps and spotting which made me instantly worry I was having a miscarriage. I phoned my BEP (Bleeding in Early Pregnancy) clinic and they were amazing. I got an appointment the following morning and had a scan. Thankfully, the baby was fine. It was tiny but we saw and heard the heartbeat. It was a huge relief. 
I am so thankful that I am now over 14 weeks pregnant and I am in the second trimester. Physically, the first trimester was tough going at times. I have never been so tired in all my life. Initially, I had nausea and eventually I had full blown morning sickness. Up until recently, I was having awful headaches too. 

Since I have been pregnant, my mood has been good and pretty level. Pregnancy seems to have changed my mindset in some ways. The negative self talk has gone. I am not worrying what people think of me too. Dave and I noticed an improvement in my mood not long after I came off the pill. It has made us talk about different forms of contraception for me to consider for when after the baby is born. We are both wondering if the pill played a part in my poor mental health. 

I don’t have any body hang ups either. Before I became pregnant, I was my own worst enemy. I have embraced the physical changes that have taken place as a result of being pregnant, sore and massive boobs and all! I just think that it is incredible and amazing that my body is currently growing a little human. 

Emotional Day

Yesterday was my lovely Grandad’s funeral. I broke down crying as soon as the cars came to pick us up from my Nan’s house. I then cried all the way to the crematorium and throughout the funeral. The service was lovely. My Dad did an amazing job as a pallbearer and reading a poem. I was so proud of him. During the eulogy, the vicar doing the service mentioned about how excited my Grandad was about becoming a Great Grandad. It was hard to hear that, knowing he will never meet the baby. 

Due to the baby being awkward during our initial 12 week scan last week, we were offered one yesterday evening at 6pm. Part of me felt guilty that we had the scan on the same day as my Grandad’s funeral. The scan went really well. The baby is looking healthy and well. The brain looks good as does the heart. We saw the baby trying to suck its thumb and it looked like it was waving at us! The baby appears to have long legs too. They must take after me! We have a private scan booked for 3 weeks tomorrow to find out the gender of the baby. We can’t wait. The baby is due on 8th November. 

This weekend Dave and I are having a dog filled weekend. We are looking after Walter’s bestie/girlfriend as my friend is on a course. We are going to go to doggy play tomorrow afternoon and on Sunday we are taking them on a dachshund walk. I think a chilled out weekend is just what I need with Dave and these two:

I didn’t sleep well last night even though I was exhausted. I woke up around 3am and struggled to get back to sleep. 

Walter has something he would like you all to know…


We are so happy that we are pregnant. Our baby is due in November!

Walter knew I was pregnant a week before I even did a pregnancy test. He went from being settled when left to really anxious. He also became super clingy and protective on walks. Dave and I tracked back to the time I would have fell pregnant and it was the same time Walter’s behaviour changed. 

Our baby was in a really awkward position during the 12 week scan this morning. We did see and hear its heartbeat, see its tiny hands and feet and it was moving away. But because the baby is in an awkward position, we are going back again on Thursday evening so all the proper measurements can be done. 

Goodbye Grandad

Yesterday morning, my lovely grandad passed away in his sleep. Since being diagnosed with oesophageal cancer, he had to deal with a huge number of significant health problems including not being able to eat properly, which resulted in him losing an awful lot of weight. 

Unfortunately, my grandad contracted bacterial pneumonia. For your typically healthy person, this is a serious health issue. So you can imagine how much strain this put on my grandad. I am just glad that he isn’t suffering anymore. Towards the end he was barely conscious, unable to talk or even swallow. 

My grandad was a lovely, kind and warm gentleman. He had a good word to say about everyone. I have so many fond memories of him. He loved telling us stories from when my dad was little and about things he had been up to. My grandad was so proud of my brother, my sister and I. He took a genuine interest in our lives. My grandad had a sweet tooth and loved cakes and biscuits. My nan would tell him off for sneaking biscuits out of the kitchen. So you can imagine how hard it was for us as a family to see him refusing to eat or unable to eat. 

I type this with tears streaming down my face. I just can’t quite believe I will never see him again. Yesterday evening, I went round to see my nan. It was truly heartbreaking being in the house knowing my grandad will never be there. 

Goodbye Grandad George. I am so honoured to have had you in my life. I will always miss you. Love Gemma xxx