One Love

I had wanted to post about the bombing at Manchester Arena when it happened. But, I felt I couldn’t put into words how upset I was. It is bad enough to hear of terrorist attacks happening, but to have one target an event that had so many children, young people and their families is something of pure evil. 

Manchester Arena is somewhere I have been to dozens of times to see some of my favourite bands. I have so many fond memories from nights there. It breaks my heart that an event that children had looked forward to could be at the heart of such carnage. 

I’m not much of a crier. But since becoming pregnant, I find that I am more sensitive to things. I shed a lot of tears over the Manchester Arena attack. I can’t begin to think how the families of all those killed are coping and all those injured. 

Right now, I am sat watching yesterday’s One Love concert. I have cried for most of it. Music is a powerful thing. I just can’t get my head around the world we live in. 

Within the past two weeks we have had two horrible terrorist attacks in the UK. It makes me worry for my little girl when she is born in 5 months time. 

I don’t want to live my life in fear. All this has made me more determined to make the most of each and every day. There is too much good in the world to give up and let these terrorists win. 

The future

Tuesday was my penultimate session of CBT with the private therapist I’ve been seeing. We discussed about moving forward with my recovery. Inevitably, this brought up the topic of the future. 

I am not someone who looks forward to the future. Quite the opposite; I am scared of it. Even thinking about it now  speeds up my breathing. 

Currently besides providing respite for Dominic I am not working. This has been for the best. Before my breakdown in December, my job had always played too much of a role in my life. I could never fully switch of from it and put an incredible amount of pressure on myself. My job defined me. I can now see how unhealthy this is. 

Both my breakdowns occurred at times when my job was highly stressful. As a result, the thought of entering a school environment terrifies me. I have always worked with autistic children in schools in some capacity. But I have been completely put off doing this type of job. 

So what do I do in terms of a job? Part of me thinks a completely new job would be better for me. Nothing to do with autistic children. I am still not ready to work as much as I hate to admit. But it also scares me how easily I can cut off from the world. It is still hard work leaving the house and doing anything that requires me to interact with people (which is everything!) I get to a point where I crave the need to retreat, to not have to deal with the outside world. 

Dave has told me that we don’t even need to consider me working until I am ready. Even then, Dave thinks it would be better if I work part time. But how will I know when I am ready to look into working again? I know that I am incredibly lucky to be married to someone so considerate and thoughtful. But in the back of my head I am telling myself that my mental health is putting a huge strain on Dave. 

Looking too far ahead does not help me with my anxiety and depression. So instead I am going to start focusing on the more immediate future. Giving myself small achievable goals for each day. Even if it is something simple.