Chester Bennington

Like so many people, I was shocked and saddened to hear that Chester Bennington, singer of Linkin Park had committed suicide. 

For those who are into rock/metal music, we all have that one band that got you hooked. The band that opened your eyes and ears to music that completely speaks to you. For me, it was Linkin Park. 

When I first discovered Linkin Park they had only just released Hybrid Theory. At the time, I was a teenager. I was struggling back then with feeling of low confidence, doubts and anxiety. I know now it was more than your average teen angst. 

Finding Linkin Park helped me feel a sense of belonging; that other people felt like me, that someone could captivate perfectly my own thoughts and feelings. I was fortunate enough to have seen Linkin Park live on a number of occasions. It’s hard to describe what it was like singing your heart out with thousands of other people. It was beyond magical. 

I have been in that deep, dark place that Chester must have been. It feels neverending. At my worst, I would spend hours researching ways to kill myself including where I would do it. It was all consuming. I didn’t see a way that the darkness would leave. I really wanted it all to end as it was unbearable. 

I can’t remember how or when, but I decided that I couldn’t go on feeling like this. I felt I was just surviving, not living. Thanks to my amazing family and friends who supported me I got the help I needed. It was not easy. Addressing the deep rooted issues in my head is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. At times, I had to take myself out of my comfort zone and trust my therapist. It was scary and exhausting. 

I am not saying that life is now a bed of roses for me. It isn’t. But I can identify triggers or when I am starting to decline. I am more open with my family and friends when things are hard. For years, I hid my difficulties which I now know made things so much more worse for me. 

Things can get better. If someone had told me a few years ago how my life would be now, I would never have believed them. No one should feel like Chester, that suicide is the only option. Please find someone to talk to if you are struggling. 

I hope Chester is at peace now. My thoughts are with his family and friends. I am sure I am not the only one who is grateful to have found Linkin Park. Chester’s voice spoke to a generation and helped us during our worst moments. It is such a shame that he didn’t feel able to continue living when he had so much more to give. 


I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real. 
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along. 

Somewhere I belong 

Linkin Park, Somewhere I belong

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I had planned to try and go back to the gym tomorrow. The plan was to just go and do some weights with my friend. Yet, the thought of it has left me in a right state. I have decided that if I am still like this on Monday then I will make an appointment with my GP. 

I feel like I am going downhill at a rapid pace. I have told Dave that I don’t want to go out and do anything this weekend. I am only leaving the house for work. After helping Faith in the morning, I come home and go back to bed. 

It’s a vicious cycle. I find it overwhelming being around people, but deep down I know that isolating myself from the world is fuelling my anxiety and depression. 

I can’t wait for this darkness to lift. 

No end in sight

Dave and I had a much needed quiet weekend. I even managed to get 10 hours sleep on Saturday which is unheard of. I’m now back to being sleep deprived. 

The friend situation is still getting to me. One of my friends has yet to respond to a message I sent her nearly a week ago. She promised Dom that she would see him during the summer holidays. Dom has asked frequently when we would see her. I messaged this friend last night asking which week would be best for her to meet up. 

The most frustrating thing is the message has been delivered but not read even though she has been online on Whatsapp since. I am so pissed off for Dom in all honesty. Don’t make a promise to a young man with autism if you are not going to keep it. If I have inadvertently annoyed this friend it’s not fair to make Dom upset in the process. 

I broke down on Sunday night. I told Dave that I feel that I have no friends. During my recent CBT sessions it has been highlighted that doing things with others will help my recovery. It’s hard to do this when you feel so alone and that you’re not worthy of people’s time. Even typing about this has me in tears. All this just adds to my low self worth. I don’t know what to do. I have emailed a local depression support group and they haven’t got back in touch. 

I put myself out there and worry about others; a lot of the time putting my own mental health at risk. I feel that none of my friends even care about me. I’m sick of being the one to message them first, being that one to offload their problems on without any concern for how things are with me. 

I am dreading my birthday next week. It’s just gonna highlight how much things have changed and not for the good. I don’t feel there is anything to celebrate. 

To add to this, it’s our niece’s 2nd birthday right after mine. We’ve been invited to the zoo for the day. The thought of it is too much for me. I really struggle with busy places. A zoo on a Saturday in August is my idea of hell. I have felt incredibly anxious about the whole thing. I’m conscious that I have a busy week next week and I am concerned that I will be pushing myself too much with the zoo. Dave has seen how much it is bothering me. He has said that it is not worth going as it might spoil my birthday. 

I don’t want to go to the Halestorm gig on Monday. I can’t bring myself to tell Dave. I just want to shut myself away from the world. But a part of me knows that this isn’t going to help my recovery. 

I’m in the why should I bother mindset. I am trying so hard and it just feels like too many obstacles are in my way. It’s clear that I am not important to the vast majority of people. 

I am sick of anxiety. The constant dread about leaving the house, being around people, the fear I will make a fool of myself and putting on a mask so no one sees that I am crumbling inside. 

I am sick of depression. The never ending voice telling me how worthless I am, that no one cares, that makes even simple tasks seem impossible. 

I want it all to end. 

Isolation

Depression isn’t rational in the slightest.  I am chilling with Walter and my mood has dipped dramatically yet again. I managed to do the dishes and wipe down the kitchen earlier. This is not a big deal to most people. But I have little motivation to do housework the majority of the time. It’s something that has been quite apparent since my breakdown in December. I then feel guilty that the house is a mess. Especially as Dave works long hours. Walter was great on his walk this afternoon. We saw six dogs when we were out. Initially Walter was unsure about them but he did end up curious about the other dogs. 

So why do I feel so low? I don’t even know what to do about it. I have looked at my list of things to do when I am struggling and I have no inclination to do any of them. 

I am concerned that I am experiencing these sudden lows more frequently. It’s something I am going to bring up during my next CBT session. I keep telling myself that it is nearly the weekend which means I can get to spend time with Dave.

I am feeling incredibly isolated at the moment. It is really disheartening when I am making a conscious effort to message friends and they ignore me. It would be easier for me to wait until they get in touch with me. But that is not going to help with my recovery. My anxiety is then triggered when I have seen that my friends have read my messages and not replied. My anxiety feeds my depression and vice versa. It really feels as if the more friends that know that I have anxiety and depression, the less effort they make. 

If you know anyone who with mental illness please try to stay in regular contact with them. It is a lonely place to be when you live with mental illness day in, day out. It is hard to be strong during difficult days. Even something as simple as a quick text message can help someone with mental illness to keep going.