One Love

I had wanted to post about the bombing at Manchester Arena when it happened. But, I felt I couldn’t put into words how upset I was. It is bad enough to hear of terrorist attacks happening, but to have one target an event that had so many children, young people and their families is something of pure evil. 

Manchester Arena is somewhere I have been to dozens of times to see some of my favourite bands. I have so many fond memories from nights there. It breaks my heart that an event that children had looked forward to could be at the heart of such carnage. 

I’m not much of a crier. But since becoming pregnant, I find that I am more sensitive to things. I shed a lot of tears over the Manchester Arena attack. I can’t begin to think how the families of all those killed are coping and all those injured. 

Right now, I am sat watching yesterday’s One Love concert. I have cried for most of it. Music is a powerful thing. I just can’t get my head around the world we live in. 

Within the past two weeks we have had two horrible terrorist attacks in the UK. It makes me worry for my little girl when she is born in 5 months time. 

I don’t want to live my life in fear. All this has made me more determined to make the most of each and every day. There is too much good in the world to give up and let these terrorists win. 

Fighting Back

Before I start this post I want to thank all the people who have taken the time to get in touch with me. It has been a huge help. I would especially like to thank Matt, Vicky and Amelia for your emails and texts. You have all been such a lifeline when things have been so bad. 

I am now on new medication. That makes three different medications in just under a year. It was really useful having Dave with me at the GP appointment a few weeks ago. We were able to talk candidly about the situation with me and we were taken seriously. The doctor said that if this medication doesn’t help I will be referred to a consultant psychiatrist. I have had a phone assessment for my referral for talking therapy. The woman was lovely. I am now waiting on an appointment to restart CBT. 

As always, I had my reservations about switching medications. I worried it was going to impact me to such a degree it was going to hinder my ability to work. However, I feel that I am in a much better place. I am proud to say that I went back to the gym last night and enjoyed it. There is a new class I am trying out tomorrow thanks to a recommendation from a friend at the gym. It helps that she will be doing it too. 

It is nice to feel like I am living again. The past few weeks I just wanted to hide in the house. All I was doing was going to work and taking Walter for a walk and even that was a massive effort. Dave’s uncle is over from Brisbane and it was lovely seeing him. We are seeing him again on Friday along with my immediate family as we are all going out for tea. I also have plans to see friends over the next few weeks. 

Walter’s operation went fine. It was awful leaving him at the vets. The house was eerily quiet without him. The day after his operation, Walter was back to his usual self. The hard part was keeping him calm when all he wanted to do was play. He had his last checkup at the vets yesterday and they are happy with how he has healed. 

So for now, I am enjoying the reprieve from anxiety and depression. Right now, I have the strength to fight it. 

Hopes and Dreams

Living with mental illness has made me rethink my hopes and dreams. 

Before I became ill, I wanted a career. I worked full time after I graduated university, aged 21, until last year. I had dreams of being someone really high up and influential in the field of autism. I pushed myself so much. My job defined me. It was on my mind constantly. 

Before I became ill, I was always socialising. Weekends and evenings were filled with plans. I was a social butterfly; always arranging plans and spending loads of my time at different places. 

Before I became ill, I thought I would end up having children. From a young age I wanted my own children. I couldn’t envisage my life without them. 

I have had the title of this post saved in my drafts for the past few weeks. Over the past 24 hours, my sister in law gave birth to my second niece and a good friend had a little girl. It has made me think of how different things are in my life compared to a lot of other people. But I also realise that comparing my life to others is not productive or conducive in terms of my recovery. 

Living with mental illness has made me realise that I need to work to live and not live to work. Being in a highly pressurised and stressful work environment will only lead to high levels of anxiety and low moods. 

Living with mental illness makes socialising really difficult. It sometimes means passing on invites to social events that will be busy or have lots of people there. Quality over quantity; surrounding myself with a few good people rather than lots of people is better for my well being. 

Living with mental illness has made me rethink my view on having children. I would never want to have a child if they were to inherit my anxiety and depression. It is not something I would wish upon anyone, least of all my own child. I struggle almost every day with anxiety and depression. It would not be fair to bring children into the mix. I worry that I would be a terrible mother because of this. I will sound selfish now, but my anxiety and depression tell me how hideous I am; that I am fat, ugly and disgusting. Having a child may potentially make this worse. 

Living with mental illness makes me value the little things in life; health, love, family and friends. So my hopes and dreams are simply:

  • To be able to manage my anxiety and depression
  • To continue to have good relationships with my husband, immediate family and friends
  • To have a job that makes me feel worthwhile
  • To be happy

Strange few days

It feels like it has been a strange few days. Currently, I am extremely unsettled. I will get to what I think has set me off…

A few times for the past week or so I have reached a point where I feel like my brain completely shuts down. This has resulted in me curling up on my corner couch in the fetal position not being to do anything. I’ve noticed that I am unable to focus on what I am doing and zone out. It then feels like I am in this mindset for what seems like an eternity. 

This happened last weekend. Luckily Dave was here. He put my ipod on our speakers and eventually he distracted me. However, this happened again yesterday afternoon and again in the evening. Last night Dave had to prompt me to get up off the couch.

I have posted frequently that I go to the gym a number of times a week. I have also said that this is an ongoing struggle to do. I had actually felt less anxious about the gym the past week or so. I had spoken to my friend at the gym for a good half hour on Monday night. 

I got to bodycombat on Wednesday morning and stood at the back in a space waiting for the class to start. An older woman came in and stood directly behind me. My friend noticed this and asked everyone to move forward. This woman then actually pushed me! I told her not to push me. I was so angry. I don’t know how I managed to stay in the gym for bodycombat, bodypump and pilates. This is actually progress for me. A few weeks ago I would have walked out straight away.

At the end of bodycombat I decided to say something to this woman. I said that I did not appreciate being pushed. She then tried to argue with me! My response was that there is no excuse for it and I walked off to get my kit out for bodypump. 

I spoke to my friend at the end of the classes. She was disgusted and said I could make a formal complaint. She talked to the gym manager who then phoned me yesterday. My friend asked me if she could tell the gym manager about my depression and anxiety which I agreed to. The manager was lovely. She told me to keep coming the gym and that I am to tell her if anything upsets me when I am there. The infuriating thing is this woman hadn’t even booked on to bodycombat! My friend and the manager tried to find out who she is. This woman has actually broken the terms and conditions of her contract and could have her membership revoked. On Monday the manager is going to come up to the studio to see if this woman is there. 

I feel so strongly about making a formal complaint. It is wrong that someone thinks they can behave in this manner. After the phone call from the gym manager I was in tears. The whole thing played on my mind all last night. I wouldn’t want anyone else to feel the way I do because of this woman. I refuse to stop coming the gym but other people might not feel the same if something like this happened to them. 

On Tuesday I went out for the day with my sister. We went for lunch and I had this 

It was amazing. Really filling. So much so I couldn’t finish it all. We then looked round some shops. I got some stuff from primark for Australia. It was nice to spend the day with my sister. We have become closer recently. 

I am going to end this post with a photo of a note Dave left me under my phone this morning. It was lovely to read after how unsettled I have been these past few days. I hope everyone who is going through similar things to me has someone like Dave in their life. He gives me the strength to carry on x

Down and out

I am currently sat with my left leg raised on cushions on the couch with ice on my left knee 😦

I did bodypump class last night. During the warm up in bodyattack I got this awful burning pain throughout my left knee when I lunged. I went to put my foot on the floor and the pain was even worse. I managed to move to the side of the studio and sat against the wall. My friend who teaches the classes came running over and stopped the class. At this point I was mortified. A first aider came in and helped me out of the studio. 

It took half an hour for them to check me over and to fill in the accident form. They needed loads of information. My knee was noticeably swollen. My friend offered me to drive home. But I didn’t want to leave my car at the gym. I couldn’t bear weight on my foot due to the pain in my knee. I managed to drive home. My knee crunched every time I changed gear which knocked me sick. 

My friend said to rest all weekend with my leg elevated with ice on it to reduce the swelling. Fridays I don’t go the gym anyway. But I am annoyed I can’t go tomorrow. When the option of being able to go the gym is taken away it makes me anxious. It probably sounds ridiculous but I can’t cope with putting weight on. I have this huge fear of putting all the weight back on that I have lost. So much so that I don’t eat much. The worrying thing is that I am rarely hungry or want to eat. I am hoping I can go the gym on Monday night. 

I have been on Citalopram for nearly two weeks now. It’s hard to know at times if it is working as I have had some real lows these past two weeks. The suicidal thoughts are occuring more. It doesn’t help that I still haven’t got a counselling appointment. Dave tried phoning up about it and couldn’t get through. It is really frustrating. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety two and a half months ago and  the only support I have is medication. It is evident that this is not working. 

Dave and I are having a weekend in now due to my dodgy knee. We don’t celebrate valentine’s day and haven’t done in years. Valentine’s day has no bearing on our relationship. To us, it is just a random day. We celebrate the day Dave asked me out and we will obviously celebrate our wedding anniversary. Dave will randomly buy me flowers and little gifts throughout the year which I much prefer to him doing it once a year. 

Speaking of gifts, it’s Dave’s birthday in a few weeks. He is so awkward to buy for! He has one present so far which is some Breaking Bad pyjama bottoms. If anyone knows what to buy a 28 year old bloke who is into gaming then let me know! We have enough DVDs and he is so fussy with his clothes. I might have to go on a shopping trip. I will be leaving it until after next week though as it is half term. I don’t like going in shops though so I might need to do a proper look online instead. 

My husband

I have mentioned in earlier posts that I am married. I thought I would do an entire post about my husband.

Dave and I met on a night out in a rock club in April 2004. At the time I was 19 and a few months off turning 20. Dave had not long turned 18. I was having an awful night. I was out with two couples and felt like the fifth wheel. I had gone off on my own and was sat down near the dance floor. Dave wasn’t exactly subtle as he was incredibly drunk (something I found out after we became a couple). I remember him looking over at me a number of times. He then sat down next to me and said, “what’s a girl like you doing sat on her own?” I still tease him about this but Dave likes to counter with that I actually fell for this line. He even mentioned it in his speech at our wedding. I found out when we dating that Dave and his friends were just about to leave the rock club but ‘Chop Suey’ by System of a Down came on just as they were by the exit. Dave loves this song and came back into the club. That was when he spotted me. 

I am not going to lie and say that Dave and I have always had a wonderful relationship. We have split up twice earlier on in our relationship. But after the second split we were both determined to make it work. I actually think the difficult times have made us stronger as a couple. 

Dave has come out of his shell a lot since meeting me. He was unbelievably quiet when we first met. Dave is incredibly laid back and this has had a positive influence on me. He is a calm, rational person and I couldn’t be more of the opposite. 

Dave and I share a love of rock and metal music, tv shows, films and gaming. We love nothing better then catching up on one of a variety of favourite tv shows (Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead to name but a few), watching a film or playing xbox together. 

I am so proud to call Dave my husband. He is considerate, kind, thoughtful and caring. I am so lucky to have someone who understands me and I can always be myself around. Dave keeps me going when my depression and anxiety are bad. He supports me 100% and is always encouraging. Dave makes me want to be the best person possible.

The reason I decided to do a blog about Dave is because I can only imagine how hard it is for him sometimes. As much as I don’t want it to, my depression and anxiety will have an impact on our relationship. But Dave still treats me the same. He will take the piss out of me if I am being a bitch or tell me how proud he is of me when I need encouragement. 

I am so grateful that my husband is also my best friend. He is the one person I can totally trust and talk to about anything.