Chester Bennington

Like so many people, I was shocked and saddened to hear that Chester Bennington, singer of Linkin Park had committed suicide. 

For those who are into rock/metal music, we all have that one band that got you hooked. The band that opened your eyes and ears to music that completely speaks to you. For me, it was Linkin Park. 

When I first discovered Linkin Park they had only just released Hybrid Theory. At the time, I was a teenager. I was struggling back then with feeling of low confidence, doubts and anxiety. I know now it was more than your average teen angst. 

Finding Linkin Park helped me feel a sense of belonging; that other people felt like me, that someone could captivate perfectly my own thoughts and feelings. I was fortunate enough to have seen Linkin Park live on a number of occasions. It’s hard to describe what it was like singing your heart out with thousands of other people. It was beyond magical. 

I have been in that deep, dark place that Chester must have been. It feels neverending. At my worst, I would spend hours researching ways to kill myself including where I would do it. It was all consuming. I didn’t see a way that the darkness would leave. I really wanted it all to end as it was unbearable. 

I can’t remember how or when, but I decided that I couldn’t go on feeling like this. I felt I was just surviving, not living. Thanks to my amazing family and friends who supported me I got the help I needed. It was not easy. Addressing the deep rooted issues in my head is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. At times, I had to take myself out of my comfort zone and trust my therapist. It was scary and exhausting. 

I am not saying that life is now a bed of roses for me. It isn’t. But I can identify triggers or when I am starting to decline. I am more open with my family and friends when things are hard. For years, I hid my difficulties which I now know made things so much more worse for me. 

Things can get better. If someone had told me a few years ago how my life would be now, I would never have believed them. No one should feel like Chester, that suicide is the only option. Please find someone to talk to if you are struggling. 

I hope Chester is at peace now. My thoughts are with his family and friends. I am sure I am not the only one who is grateful to have found Linkin Park. Chester’s voice spoke to a generation and helped us during our worst moments. It is such a shame that he didn’t feel able to continue living when he had so much more to give. 

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real. 
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along. 

Somewhere I belong 

Linkin Park, Somewhere I belong

I’m Not Okay

Everything is such an effort right now. I am trying so hard to get out of this low. But it feels overwhelming. 

I didn’t want to go the gym tonight. I don’t know if not going on Thursday played a part. I couldn’t relax today. My anxiety was constantly there in the background.

I did go the gym. I felt like I was going through the motions. There was no escaping from my head tonight. It didn’t help that the class was really busy. I couldn’t wait for the class to finish. 

Talking to someone I trust is something that does tend to help. However, after I have reached out to someone I then feel stupid. I feel like I am a nuisance and that I bother others. As a result it’s rare for me to open up. 

I want to socialise but I find it so daunting. I am trapped in a cycle of wanting to socialise but because I find it difficult I then feel incredibly isolated. Mental illness has robbed me of my sociable side. Nowadays, I need prior warning when it comes to seeing people. This gives me the time to prepare for it. After any social situation I then ruminate over everything that happened. It’s draining and puts me off seeing people. 

It concerns me that I have little or no enjoyment in anything. I don’t see the point in doing things. The hopelessness and despair bring me to tears at unexpected times. 

I am at my wits end with my anxiety and depression. One minute I am on an even keel, the next I am in the depths of a crippling low. I feel really unstable. I can be laughing about something and then feeling anxious or low for no reason. I don’t know what to do anymore. 

The blame game

Walter was really sick on Saturday. We don’t even know for sure what caused it. It was awful. He was throwing up for an hour. He stopped and has been fine since. But me being me, I blamed myself for it. This triggered a low which made me ill. I cried so much my face hurt, I had a terrible headache and I struggled to snap out of it. I wore myself out to the point of exhaustion. Yesterday I woke up to a terrible headache. 

During this horrendous low I ended up telling Dave that I experience suicidal ideations. He said that he thought that I did which is why he really wanted us to get Walter. The tremendous levels of guilt I felt when I did calm down were overwhelming. I was repeatedly apologising that I get these thoughts. I was insisting on cancelling plans on Sunday afternoon for our friends and their 4 year old daughter coming round to meet Walter. Dave suggested that I make the decision in the morning after sleeping. 

I am so thankful for Dave. I was ready to text my friend on Saturday night to cancel. Looking back now, I am glad I didn’t. We had a nice few hours with them. My friend asked what I do with Walter when I am at work. I used this as an opportunity to tell her about how things have been since December. My friend was shocked. She said had no idea, especially as I had seen her when things were really bad. I am glad I told her. This friend lives nearby and I said to her to get in touch whenever she wants to meet up.  As she has a young child, this has always been the way I am with this friend.  

My mood is quite low. I would rather just sit in. However, Walter needs to go for a walk later. It would be easier to not go to my usual Bodycombat class later. I am going to go though. I came across a pattern colouring book that I bought during my last breakdown. I am planning on buying some new felt tips. The ones I found have dried out. Colouring in helps my brain to switch off. 

I am supposed to be spending the day with my sister at some point this week. I am also going round to my parents on Friday. They have been on holiday and are back today so I didn’t see my Dad for Father’s Day. Part of me doesn’t want to see them but I will fight through the negative thoughts. I haven’t seen them for a few weeks so a catchup would do me good. 

Walter is perfectly fine now. He is back to his usual self. This was him last night chilling on the couch with Dave and I:  


Still struggling

You know things are bad when your doctor asks you to come back in again in two weeks. 

My doctor was really sympathetic yesterday. I didn’t want to be at the doctors. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I still don’t. My medication has been increased to 40mg a day. I am being referred for CBT on the NHS. The NHS counselling is really not helping. Talking isn’t helping. I need more than just talking. I told my GP this. 

Normally I am asked to come back in every four weeks when I am struggling. I was told to come back in two weeks. Maybe because I was honest and said that I am suicidal. 

Trying to articulate what is going on in my head is a struggle. So I always come home after a GP appointment feeling quite emotional. Walter was in a funny mood when I got home from the doctors. He wouldn’t stop barking regardless of what I tried. I was at my wits end and ended up in tears. Pathetic huh? 

Depression likes to tell me that I am shit at everything. The latest thing it likes to tell me is that Walter hates me and I’m shit with him. 

I’m at the point I was at the beginning of the year. I don’t want to leave the house or do anything. I am still going the gym as much as my head tells me not to. I’m not getting much enjoyment out of it. 

I’ve just got to keep going and believe that things will get better. Even if depression and anxiety like to tell me otherwise. 

Nothing seems to be helping

I am managing to lift my mood slightly at times. This is only a small reprieve. My mood then comes crashing down again. 

I really am trying to keep my mood up. I am going the gym, opening up to those around me and trying to relax. The gym anxiety is still there. I don’t like leaving the house. I spend the entire time outside the house convincing myself that I am doing the right thing. That the gym is good. Yet there are more times then not when I cannot wait to be back in my house. 

I’m struggling to relax properly. The suicidal thoughts feel like they are dominating my head. I really hope my GP can help me on Monday afternoon. This low spell has lasted nearly a week now and it shows no sign of ending. 

What if my depression and anxiety has such a hold on me for the rest of my life? One of the cruelest things about depression and anxiety is that I feel like I’m making great progress and then the bubble is just totally burst and I don’t know why and I can’t make sense of it. I try to help myself constantly even when all I want to do is curl up in bed. I get out to the gym, we got Walter and I am opening up even though I find it so difficult. At the moment it is such a dark and daunting task to even get up each day. I really don’t see the point in putting myself through all of this if I spend most of my time trapped by my depression and anxiety.