Things can get better

Sometimes I find it hard to believe how much progress I have made over the years since being diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I have two things that have happened over the past few days that I want to talk about.

Dave received a Facebook message from someone I have not been friends with for nearly 3 years a few evenings ago. I have spoken about this person. She was one of my bridesmaids when Dave and I got married. But when I was at my lowest, she made my life even worse. She made me feel guilty, didn't respect my boundaries and only cared about herself.

I made the decision that I did not want or need this person in my life. So I was surprised to find out this person messaged Dave acting as if nothing was wrong, asking how we were and congratulating us as she (somehow) knew I was pregnant.

Dave worried so much how I would react that he got in touch with my sister. She reassured Dave that I am stronger then a lot of people realise.

My first response when Dave told me was to laugh. I can honestly say that I have not once missed the friendship. I questioned the motives behind her getting in touch in the first place. Plus, the message acted if nothing had happened when it was quite the opposite.

Dave and I both agreed to ignore the message and that he would block her on Facebook. I am so happy with the people in my life. My family have always been amazing. I have the nicest and supportive friends. I didn't see the point in trying to be friends with someone who made me more ill and turned out to be an awful friend when I needed them the most.

I know for a fact that this message would have triggered my anxiety and depression when I was still struggling. I would not have been able to stop ruminating about it, quite possibly had a panic attack and it would have made my mood come crashing down. I would have brought it up continuously with Dave. It has been quite the opposite. We have not talked about it since Dave received the message.

Yesterday I went for afternoon tea for a friend's hen do. In the past, I would have automatically said no to something like this. I used to actively avoid situations like this; too many people, being with people I didn't know, a busy place etc. The only person I knew was the bride. But I went and had a good time. I chatted away to people I didn't know and they were all lovely.

To think there was a time that I was suicidal, struggled to leave the house and was constantly anxious and my mood was low is hard to believe right now. I am proud of how far I have come. I want to stress how it has not been easy to get to this point. There have been a lot of tears, pushing myself out of my comfort zone and being honest with myself and others when it is not always easy. I can recognise if I am starting to struggle and do things to help myself feel better.

Halfway there

I am now 21 weeks pregnant! So infact I am over the half way point. Yesterday Dave and I had our 20 week anatomy scan. I always feel a mixture of excitement and nerves before scans. 

Our little girl has grown so much since our private gender scan 5 weeks ago. I am so happy that she is healthy and well. She was checked thoroughly from head to toe which reassured Dave and I. Especially with the whole issue with my medication. I was so relieved when they checked her heart and it was fine. As per every scan, our little girl decided to be awkward during the scan. I was asked to go for a wee in the hopes that she would move position (which she did). It made me laugh as I have had to do this during each scan. 

I am feeling our baby girl move so often now. Dave has yet to feel her. She stops moving when he talks to or rub my bump. But it is just a matter of time before he does. I am still having morning sickness. I ended up throwing up outside the house when we got back from the scan yesterday. The majority of the time that I am not being sick I feel nauseous. It is hard at times. But, I know that all this will be worth it by the time our little girl arrives. 

A few weeks ago, we took Walter to Dogfest at Arley Hall for the second year in a row. This year we also went with our friend and her dog Lola. It happened to be unbelievably hot during the week we went to Dogfest. We were frequently putting the dogs into paddling pools, pouring water on them and getting them to drink. 

We made the decision to leave early for Dogfest this year. It was a good decision. We had to queue to get into it, but the queue moved constantly. We got to hear the amazing Noel Fitzpatrick talk this year. He is such an inspiration. 

Noel had this tshirt on during his talk and I couldn’t resist one for myself

Waiting in the queue

Walter all ready for Dogfest

Walter and I did a selfie haha!

How much does Walter suit this flatcap?! 

The main man; Noel Fitzpatrick!

I am planning on going back to the gym tomorrow. I haven’t been for nearly a month what with my asthma being bad and then morning sickness reappearing. I am going to do Zumba and I can’t wait. 

Our little girl already has some lovely clothes thanks to her auntie, Nan and Grandad and her great auntie and uncle in Australia. My Mum is in knitting heaven. The baby already has a matching hat, cardigan and blanket that are beautiful. I also couldn’t resist buying her some things for Father’s Day for Dave. 

These clothes are from my sister

Dave’s Father’s Day presents. The books are so sweet and made me cry reading them. 

Mummy Guilt

How is possible that at 18 weeks pregnant I am already experiencing Mummy guilt? There are two reasons. The first came about at what I thought was going to be a routine asthma review. 

Last Friday afternoon, I had a routine asthma review. The day after my review, my asthma became worse due to a cold I had getting on to my chest which is just typical. When I arrived for my appointment, the receptionist told me that I needed a doctor’s appointment to discuss my recent blood tests. Luckily, I managed to get an appointment after my asthma review. 

I am taking folic acid and vitamin D and I was told that I needed blood tests in order to receive more. I was advised to take this while pregnant. My vitamin D levels are low. But is it any wonder when I live in the UK? We don’t get enough sun. 

When looking through my notes, the doctor found that I was on paroxetine. She said that I shouldn’t be taking this when pregnant. I felt so sick, anxious and let down. As soon as I knew I was pregnant I saw my GP so I could discuss my medication. I was told paroxetine would be fine to take. To then be told that fluoxetine is a safer SSRI  made me feel so guilty. I have been risking my baby’s health and it could have been avoided. Paroxetine has an associated risk of heart problems in babies during their first few months. The only reassurance I have is that each and every scan we have had, our little girl has had a strong, healthy heart. I have been taking fluoxetine since Sunday and I see my midwife a week today. I need to book an appointment to see the GP next week so they can see how I am doing. 

The other reason I feel guilty is my lack of appetite and nausea which seems to have got worse again rather than better. I have been making a conscious effort to eat healthy. Yet thanks to morning sickness (which by the way, happens any time of day) I threw up all the grapes I had managed to eat. I worry that my little girl isn’t getting enough nutrition to grow and be healthy. 

I think I am dwelling on things a lot more than I normally would. As I mentioned earlier, I have been physically unwell. I am finally starting to feel better. Although I don’t work much, I do have a routine; going the gym, seeing family and friends, walking Walter. All of this has gone out of the window. I have been stuck in the house. Thankfully, I have Dom in a few hours and the sun is shining. 

In the summer time

During the school holidays, I work more. As a result, I have been slacking in regards to my blog. Thankfully, I have been feeling a lot better since I posted last. But if I feel like it again I will be going to see my GP. 

I have thoroughly enjoyed working with Dom and Faith more than usual. The days fly by and we have been up to lots of things. I have shared a number of photos on my Instagram account (@originalgemskibob) if you would like to see them. 

Dom has enjoyed spending time with Walter. We have taken him for walks and all enjoyed some lovely ice cream. Dom, Walter and I visited my sister at work. Walter was fussed over and Dom made sure everyone was working! Tomorrow he wants to bake a cake for my birthday at the weekend. This is the first time Dom has asked to do anything like this for my birthday. 

Faith and I have done loads this summer; colouring in, played board games, dog walks in the park, watched DVDs, been the cinema, shopped, workshops at Pets At Home and started a reading challenge at the library. 

As I mentioned earlier, this weekend it will be my 31st birthday. Dave and I are having time off work and having some much needed time together. We are seeing a mortgage broker on as we are desperate to have our own house. We are also spending time with our friend and her two little girls and having a meal with family. 

In terms of my mental health, I am doing well. I still experience a dip in my mood and anxiety but I am able to deal with it. It helps that I have a really good support network around me. 

One way I know that I am in a good place is that I am really broody. Dave and I have talked about having children. Once we are settled in our own home, we are going to start trying for a baby. As excited as I am, I am also terrified about having a baby. A huge concern I have is my medication. I would not be able to take the anti depressant I am currently taking. I have had a long struggle to find the right medication for me so the thought of having to talk to my GP about this fills me with dread. 

It’s back

It has made a brief appearance over the past few months. I was able to deal with it. But this time, it feels like it has a tight hold of me. As the week has gone by, the black cloud of depression has grown bigger. 

I couldn’t face the gym today. The self concious, paranoid thoughts about the way I look are constantly there. Plus, I feel that the antidepressants I take have caused me to gain weight. I have been making a massive effort to eat well alongside the gym and it is not doing anything to help. 

I am tired all the time. I don’t want to be around people. I cried before work and after work yesterday. If I didn’t have to go to work later I wouldn’t. 

We are supposed to be going round to my mate’s for tea tomorrow. I really don’t want to go. But my anxiety tells me that I am letting people down and I will lose another friend. 

I don’t know what to do. 

From Strength to Strength

It is so nice to be able to say that I am content and happy with how things are right now. 

After struggling with the medication I switched to four weeks ago, the side effects have subsided. It is amazing to get good quality sleep and not feel out of it and drowsy. It was decided on Thursday in consultation with my GP that I would take my medication at night instead of first thing in the morning. This has definitely had a positive impact on my mood and anxiety. 

I have managed to go to a number of different classes at the gym. They have been really enjoyable and I look forward to them. My fitness is improving after each class. I am able to push myself that little bit further. 

Work is great. Dom and Little Miss are doing so well. Dom tried something different for tea last week and loved it. Little Miss is loving going to guides. We went bowling with them last week and she was so well behaved. She did so well waiting for her turn and doing as she was told. 

Last week I met my friend’s five week old baby. My friend looks incredibly well and her baby is adorable. I had such a good time with them. I’m looking forward to seeing them again soon. 

I know that I have posted about my reservations about having children, but seeing my friend and her baby has made me feel really broody. Dave and I have talked about it. I have my obvious concerns about my mental health in regards to having children. But, we are not planning to have children anytime soon. I would want to have a conversation with my GP and a therapist about it all. 

Accepting a Bad Day

After a week or so on an even keel, things have started slipping. 

With my new medication, I have noticed that I wake up in the mornings with a dull headache. It is lingering more each day. Today I felt really drowsy when I woke up and my mood was noticeably low. It took me what felt like an eternity for me to will myself to get out of bed. 

I had planned to go and buy Walter some more food and to go to Bodycombat. Yet when I finally managed to go downstairs I then couldn’t get off the couch for ages. Thankfully, Dave was going out on his lunch to pick up Christmas presents for our nieces and my godson that I had reserved in Argos. He also managed to get Walter’s food. 

It feels too much to go to the gym today. I can tell that it won’t help and will more than likely make me feel worse. So I have spent the day chilling with Walter. I did manage to take Walter for his walk. It took a lot out of me. But it is an achievement given how much depression and anxiety are having an impact on me today. 

Here’s hoping that tomorrow is a better day. 

Fighting Back

Before I start this post I want to thank all the people who have taken the time to get in touch with me. It has been a huge help. I would especially like to thank Matt, Vicky and Amelia for your emails and texts. You have all been such a lifeline when things have been so bad. 

I am now on new medication. That makes three different medications in just under a year. It was really useful having Dave with me at the GP appointment a few weeks ago. We were able to talk candidly about the situation with me and we were taken seriously. The doctor said that if this medication doesn’t help I will be referred to a consultant psychiatrist. I have had a phone assessment for my referral for talking therapy. The woman was lovely. I am now waiting on an appointment to restart CBT. 

As always, I had my reservations about switching medications. I worried it was going to impact me to such a degree it was going to hinder my ability to work. However, I feel that I am in a much better place. I am proud to say that I went back to the gym last night and enjoyed it. There is a new class I am trying out tomorrow thanks to a recommendation from a friend at the gym. It helps that she will be doing it too. 

It is nice to feel like I am living again. The past few weeks I just wanted to hide in the house. All I was doing was going to work and taking Walter for a walk and even that was a massive effort. Dave’s uncle is over from Brisbane and it was lovely seeing him. We are seeing him again on Friday along with my immediate family as we are all going out for tea. I also have plans to see friends over the next few weeks. 

Walter’s operation went fine. It was awful leaving him at the vets. The house was eerily quiet without him. The day after his operation, Walter was back to his usual self. The hard part was keeping him calm when all he wanted to do was play. He had his last checkup at the vets yesterday and they are happy with how he has healed. 

So for now, I am enjoying the reprieve from anxiety and depression. Right now, I have the strength to fight it. 

From bad to worse

It has been hard going this week. Even more so than last week. 

Besides Tuesday night, when I took a sleeping tablet, my sleep has been bad. The days I get up early for work I have had to go back to sleep when I get home. Not for just an hour. For about 3 hours. 

I have barely been to the gym. I managed to go on Monday evening which helped. But the lack of sleep, high anxiety and low mood doesn’t fill me with any inclination to go out unless absolutely necessary. 

My appointment with the crisis team was yet again a waste of time. It involved a lovely woman reading an anxiety booklet with me. It didn’t help that a student nurse was in the room. Not once was I asked if this was okay with me.

So the outcome of the session was I will be re-referred for CBT through the NHS. No indication was given as to how long I will be waiting. I have requested to see the therapist I saw last. I am glad I am not under the crisis team anymore. They haven’t helped at all and in some regards have made things worse. 

I have an appointment with my GP next week. I say my GP, but I am seeing someone I don’t really know. Dave is going to come with me. He is really good during appointments and doesn’t let professionals walk all over me. I feel that I need a referral to a psychiatrist. My mood is unstable and can plummet without warning. I don’t feel that I am on the right medication. Surely I shouldn’t feel suicidal so often?

I am hoping a weekend with Dave and Walter will help. Walter is being neutered next week. Dave and I are dreading it. But we know it is for the best and he will be fine.

Dave has been amazing this week as always. He is in regular contact with me throughout then day even when he is really busy at work. Walter’s little face really does keep me going. He gives such good cuddles and knows when I need one. 

   

   

Still moving forward

Yesterday I had an appointment with the crisis team. It went well. Dave came with me to help avoid any further upset since my assessment appointment was a dreadful experience. 

I expressed my reluctance to change my medication and that I overall felt more stable as a result of reducing my dosage of citalopram. My appointment was with the woman who carried out my assessment. She really needs to learn to not talk over me. It’s incredibly difficult to speak so openly and candidly about how I feel emotionally and mentally. It makes it ten times worse when you have a supposed medical professional repeatedly talking over you. 

The plan now is for me to do some work around my anxiety. Thankfully this will be with a different member of staff within the crisis team. At the moment there is a two – three week waiting list. After this work, I will be fast tracked back into the system to restart CBT. 

Work has been good. I have been going back to sleep for an hour or two when I get home from helping little miss get ready for school. This has helped massively. Yesterday evening little miss met Walter. She absolutely loves him! This morning little miss got upset. She wanted me to be working again tonight. In a short space of time she seems to be responding really well to me. 

I have Dom later which I am looking forward to. He loves taking Walter for a walk so I am hoping we will get to take him to the woods near where I live. He turns 13 in a few weeks and is extremely excited about it.