Chester Bennington

Like so many people, I was shocked and saddened to hear that Chester Bennington, singer of Linkin Park had committed suicide. 

For those who are into rock/metal music, we all have that one band that got you hooked. The band that opened your eyes and ears to music that completely speaks to you. For me, it was Linkin Park. 

When I first discovered Linkin Park they had only just released Hybrid Theory. At the time, I was a teenager. I was struggling back then with feeling of low confidence, doubts and anxiety. I know now it was more than your average teen angst. 

Finding Linkin Park helped me feel a sense of belonging; that other people felt like me, that someone could captivate perfectly my own thoughts and feelings. I was fortunate enough to have seen Linkin Park live on a number of occasions. It’s hard to describe what it was like singing your heart out with thousands of other people. It was beyond magical. 

I have been in that deep, dark place that Chester must have been. It feels neverending. At my worst, I would spend hours researching ways to kill myself including where I would do it. It was all consuming. I didn’t see a way that the darkness would leave. I really wanted it all to end as it was unbearable. 

I can’t remember how or when, but I decided that I couldn’t go on feeling like this. I felt I was just surviving, not living. Thanks to my amazing family and friends who supported me I got the help I needed. It was not easy. Addressing the deep rooted issues in my head is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. At times, I had to take myself out of my comfort zone and trust my therapist. It was scary and exhausting. 

I am not saying that life is now a bed of roses for me. It isn’t. But I can identify triggers or when I am starting to decline. I am more open with my family and friends when things are hard. For years, I hid my difficulties which I now know made things so much more worse for me. 

Things can get better. If someone had told me a few years ago how my life would be now, I would never have believed them. No one should feel like Chester, that suicide is the only option. Please find someone to talk to if you are struggling. 

I hope Chester is at peace now. My thoughts are with his family and friends. I am sure I am not the only one who is grateful to have found Linkin Park. Chester’s voice spoke to a generation and helped us during our worst moments. It is such a shame that he didn’t feel able to continue living when he had so much more to give. 

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real. 
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along. 

Somewhere I belong 

Linkin Park, Somewhere I belong

Rock Bottom

Have you ever cried so much that your whole face hurts? Your eyes feel heavy and you feel exhausted from using up so much energy. This is my current state. 

After managing to spend the day with my friend, her little girl and our dogs, my mood had started to improve. But due to an incident at work, I am at rock bottom. I am now questioning myself in so many ways. 

I can’t go into detail about what happened, but I absolutely broke down in work. I tried incredibly hard not to get upset. But now I am home I think that my anxiety was so high that I was having a severe panic attack. When driving home from work (early I may add as my boss was so concerned for my emotional state) I spent the entire drive thinking of ways I wanted to hurt myself. I can safely say I didn’t act upon any of these. But it has left me scared and uneasy. 

This whole incident has me questioning  whether I can continue certain aspects of my jobs. I felt that I had done the right thing. But I was made to feel that I was in the wrong. I find the whole thing really sad. I feel that I go above and beyond in my jobs. I feel like it has all been thrown back in my face. 

Dave is unaware of anything about tonight. He is in work until 10pm and I felt it completely unfair on him to get in touch with him. It would only upset him and he wouldn’t be able to do anything to help. 

Part of me is embarassed that I reacted like this. It just highlights how unstable I am. I want to just hibernate for a while. It feels that there is one thing after another. I use so much energy to get through each day and for what?

Mental illness takes its toll

Things came to a head between Dave and I on Saturday. It had been coming. We’d been snapping at each other for a few weeks. It’s understandable given we have anxiety and depression to contend with every day. 

I went the gym on Saturday morning. I then rushed to get ready to go over to our friends house. We weren’t able to take Walter to our friends house. This meant us going out of our way to drop him off at my parents house. 

So we dropped Walter off and start heading over. We had no idea that there were roadworks which meant road closures. It’s important to note that my anxiety is always high before any form of social gathering. Dave was driving and normally he is quite cool, calm and collected. But even he found it stressful. Dave ended up snapping at me; I ended up in tears and having a panic attack which included me screaming how it would be better for everyone if I killed myself. 

Dave pulled into a quiet street as it wasn’t a good idea for him to be driving at this point. 

I think we both needed the blowout. We walk on eggshells because of my anxiety and depression. As horrible as it was to be arguing, we were both able to be honest about things. This included me admitting to Dave that I still have suicidal thoughts. Dave also talked about how difficult it can be for him. 

I wasn’t in the right place to be seeing our friends. So Dave messaged them to say that the traffic was bad and could we reschedule. 

I think from now on I need to listen to myself more often. All week I had been struggling with the idea of going to our friends on Saturday. Yet I tried to ignore it which ended up making me feel even worse. 

We ended up enjoying the rest of the weekend instead of letting our argument spoil it. Next Saturday Dave and I are going to go for a meal. I think it will do us both good. 

Panic attack?

My anxiety at the gym has gone up to a whole new level. For the second time this week I was getting awful chest pains during a class. It got increasingly worse to the point where my breathing became shallow. I am asthmatic but it doesn’t impact me on a day to day basis. 

I wanted to walk out of the class tonight. It got to the stage when my friend taking the class came over to see if I was ok. I was coughing at times. 

Was this a panic attack or not? I felt like it was rather than asthma. I experience similar things when my anxiety is bad. It’s an all new low when I had this at the gym. I don’t want to go back in case it happens again. I was so embarassed. 

At the end of the class my friend asked if I was alright. I told her about not getting the job (she knew I had an interview) and that I haven’t been doing too good. She was really supportive and said I had done well to come the gym tonight. I cried as soon as I got in my car after the class. 

A trip to my GP is probably needed. I don’t know what else they can do though. 

Downward Spiral

I am really struggling at the moment. It seems that each day I am feeling increasingly low and anxious. 

My sister came round to mine for the day. We had a great time. Walter was on top form. But I constantly felt low. I was on the edge of tears all day. My CBT session felt like a waste of time today. It’s all well and good asking me what my thoughts have been to lead me feeling so low recently. But when I don’t understand why I feel so shit surely it’s because I have depression and anxiety? If it was as simple as doing something that helps when I wish I was dead or having a panic attack, then don’t you think I would? It’s incredibly hard to stop the recurring thoughts I have. After I have managed to calm down I cannot always recall my thought process. I go from 0-60 in seconds. I am unable to think clearly. I don’t think my counsellor gets how much effort it takes to carry on when I feel so overwhelmed with negativity. It is so difficult to put on a mask. 

As I type this I have tears streaming down my face. I ended up breaking down in front of my sister this afternoon. I had a full blown panic attack and couldn’t stop crying. 

I find it so scary to be in this state without a specific trigger. I am contemplating getting an appointment with my GP as soon as possible. This clearly isn’t just me having a bad day. So far this has been three days of chaos in my head. The gym was hard work last night and I only went to bodycombat. 

It’s hard to see that this low period will subside. Inevitably it does. It just feels like a constant uphill struggle and I feel like I have nothing left in me to keep going. I am having suicidal thoughts. I can’t take being in my head when I am this bad.