( Nearly) 37 weeks

The last few weeks have gone past in the blink of an eye. Even though I am at the point in my pregnancy where I feel uncomfortable most of the time.

Up until the past few days, Jellybean felt like she lived in my ribs. It was virtually impossible to ever feel comfortable. Towards the end of last week, Jellybean moved down. For the first time in my pregnancy, I actually had an appetite!

During my 36 week midwife appointment, my bump was measuring big yet again. I went for a growth scan the following day. Jellybean is absolutely fine. She isn’t measuring big and is actually spot on in terms of her weight.

New symptoms I am experiencing are waking up completely drenched in sweat. I feel like I have done a 45 minutes Bodycombat class! I have been having some intense pressure in my bump at times too. Last night, I woke up feeling nauseous and ended up throwing up. Dave is convinced I will go into labour before my due date.

Dave and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary last week. It was nice to spend some time together before Jellybean arrives. We went out for a Chinese which was delicious.

I will end the post with another photo of Walter. We got him a new harness. It looks super comfy and looks great on him

Stability

I’m still struggling to get enough sleep. Normally, this has a huge impact on my mental state. But, my mood has been quite stable this week. I am looking forward to having a much needed lie in bed on Sunday morning. 

Work is going well. Fortunately I get on so well with both Little Miss and Dom’s family. They are appreciative of me and this makes me feel like I am making a difference.  

Yesterday I met up with two people from a depression forum that I use. For a long time, I have wanted to meet others who have anxiety and depression. We met in a park and I took Walter with me. Walter really helped. Both people loved him and Walter loved being the centre of attention. It was strange being able to talk so openly and honestly about how depression and anxiety impacts me. I felt it went really well. We talked for about an hour and a half before we left. We have arranged to meet up again in two weeks. Hopefully, two other people from the forum will also join us. 

My appointment with the crisis team is a week on Monday. I finally received a letter in the post earlier in the week. I’m not expecting much from the appointment as the crisis team have been far from helpful. 

Dave and I are going for a meal tomorrow night. We have vouchers for the restaurant we went to for my birthday because we had such a bad experience. We’re both looking forward to it. I think it’s what we need after the upset last Saturday. 

Mental illness takes its toll

Things came to a head between Dave and I on Saturday. It had been coming. We’d been snapping at each other for a few weeks. It’s understandable given we have anxiety and depression to contend with every day. 

I went the gym on Saturday morning. I then rushed to get ready to go over to our friends house. We weren’t able to take Walter to our friends house. This meant us going out of our way to drop him off at my parents house. 

So we dropped Walter off and start heading over. We had no idea that there were roadworks which meant road closures. It’s important to note that my anxiety is always high before any form of social gathering. Dave was driving and normally he is quite cool, calm and collected. But even he found it stressful. Dave ended up snapping at me; I ended up in tears and having a panic attack which included me screaming how it would be better for everyone if I killed myself. 

Dave pulled into a quiet street as it wasn’t a good idea for him to be driving at this point. 

I think we both needed the blowout. We walk on eggshells because of my anxiety and depression. As horrible as it was to be arguing, we were both able to be honest about things. This included me admitting to Dave that I still have suicidal thoughts. Dave also talked about how difficult it can be for him. 

I wasn’t in the right place to be seeing our friends. So Dave messaged them to say that the traffic was bad and could we reschedule. 

I think from now on I need to listen to myself more often. All week I had been struggling with the idea of going to our friends on Saturday. Yet I tried to ignore it which ended up making me feel even worse. 

We ended up enjoying the rest of the weekend instead of letting our argument spoil it. Next Saturday Dave and I are going to go for a meal. I think it will do us both good. 

My husband

I have mentioned in earlier posts that I am married. I thought I would do an entire post about my husband.

Dave and I met on a night out in a rock club in April 2004. At the time I was 19 and a few months off turning 20. Dave had not long turned 18. I was having an awful night. I was out with two couples and felt like the fifth wheel. I had gone off on my own and was sat down near the dance floor. Dave wasn’t exactly subtle as he was incredibly drunk (something I found out after we became a couple). I remember him looking over at me a number of times. He then sat down next to me and said, “what’s a girl like you doing sat on her own?” I still tease him about this but Dave likes to counter with that I actually fell for this line. He even mentioned it in his speech at our wedding. I found out when we dating that Dave and his friends were just about to leave the rock club but ‘Chop Suey’ by System of a Down came on just as they were by the exit. Dave loves this song and came back into the club. That was when he spotted me. 

I am not going to lie and say that Dave and I have always had a wonderful relationship. We have split up twice earlier on in our relationship. But after the second split we were both determined to make it work. I actually think the difficult times have made us stronger as a couple. 

Dave has come out of his shell a lot since meeting me. He was unbelievably quiet when we first met. Dave is incredibly laid back and this has had a positive influence on me. He is a calm, rational person and I couldn’t be more of the opposite. 

Dave and I share a love of rock and metal music, tv shows, films and gaming. We love nothing better then catching up on one of a variety of favourite tv shows (Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead to name but a few), watching a film or playing xbox together. 

I am so proud to call Dave my husband. He is considerate, kind, thoughtful and caring. I am so lucky to have someone who understands me and I can always be myself around. Dave keeps me going when my depression and anxiety are bad. He supports me 100% and is always encouraging. Dave makes me want to be the best person possible.

The reason I decided to do a blog about Dave is because I can only imagine how hard it is for him sometimes. As much as I don’t want it to, my depression and anxiety will have an impact on our relationship. But Dave still treats me the same. He will take the piss out of me if I am being a bitch or tell me how proud he is of me when I need encouragement. 

I am so grateful that my husband is also my best friend. He is the one person I can totally trust and talk to about anything.