Chester Bennington

Like so many people, I was shocked and saddened to hear that Chester Bennington, singer of Linkin Park had committed suicide. 

For those who are into rock/metal music, we all have that one band that got you hooked. The band that opened your eyes and ears to music that completely speaks to you. For me, it was Linkin Park. 

When I first discovered Linkin Park they had only just released Hybrid Theory. At the time, I was a teenager. I was struggling back then with feeling of low confidence, doubts and anxiety. I know now it was more than your average teen angst. 

Finding Linkin Park helped me feel a sense of belonging; that other people felt like me, that someone could captivate perfectly my own thoughts and feelings. I was fortunate enough to have seen Linkin Park live on a number of occasions. It’s hard to describe what it was like singing your heart out with thousands of other people. It was beyond magical. 

I have been in that deep, dark place that Chester must have been. It feels neverending. At my worst, I would spend hours researching ways to kill myself including where I would do it. It was all consuming. I didn’t see a way that the darkness would leave. I really wanted it all to end as it was unbearable. 

I can’t remember how or when, but I decided that I couldn’t go on feeling like this. I felt I was just surviving, not living. Thanks to my amazing family and friends who supported me I got the help I needed. It was not easy. Addressing the deep rooted issues in my head is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. At times, I had to take myself out of my comfort zone and trust my therapist. It was scary and exhausting. 

I am not saying that life is now a bed of roses for me. It isn’t. But I can identify triggers or when I am starting to decline. I am more open with my family and friends when things are hard. For years, I hid my difficulties which I now know made things so much more worse for me. 

Things can get better. If someone had told me a few years ago how my life would be now, I would never have believed them. No one should feel like Chester, that suicide is the only option. Please find someone to talk to if you are struggling. 

I hope Chester is at peace now. My thoughts are with his family and friends. I am sure I am not the only one who is grateful to have found Linkin Park. Chester’s voice spoke to a generation and helped us during our worst moments. It is such a shame that he didn’t feel able to continue living when he had so much more to give. 

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real. 
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along. 

Somewhere I belong 

Linkin Park, Somewhere I belong

Waste of time

I had the worst experience possible in regards to the assessment with the crisis team. I didn’t realise that I could feel worse. But that is now the case. 

I told the woman who assessed me everything. I didn’t hold back anything. I cried and I couldn’t stop. Her response? We will change your medication, leave you for about 2 – 3 weeks and then see how you get on. At this point I lost the plot. 

I had been told earlier on that being under the crisis team would mean my CBT would cease until I was more stable. I understood that. It was of no benefit to me when I couldn’t function on a basic level. I asked what support I would get while adjusting to the new medication….nothing! I was told they would ‘wait and see’ how I reacted and then re refer me for CBT. 

The thought of this alone terrified me. The worse part was that I was not told how to switch over to my new medication or any side effects. Dave waited for me in the waiting area and saw how bad I was. The woman tried to give me the prescription with no explanation in the waiting room. I told her I was not happy that this was being done in the waiting room. Dave then went to speak to the woman himself. 

I was left on my own in the waiting room in floods of tears. About a dozen members of staff went past me. Not one of them checked if I was ok. 

I wish I hadn’t gone to this assessment. I am in an extremely dark place. I was in hysterics for ages begging Dave to let me die as I couldn’t go on like this. I really want to hurt myself to stop feeling like this. The thought of suicide is more tempting than ever. 

Dave is now too scared to leave me on my own. He is going to accompany me to all medical appointments from now on. 

If anyone has any suggestions or ideas of where I go from here please comment on this post. I don’t have a decent GP at my local surgery and I feel that no medical professional is taking me seriously. I was told by the woman assessing me to try and think more positively. If it was that simple I wouldn’t be so ill was my response. 


It’s 6.50am. I have been awake since 5.40am after another restless night. I went to bed exhausted after two classes at the gym. Yet I am still not able to sleep all night without sleeping tablets. 

After the gym last night, my friend asked if I was ok. I told her I wasn’t. I went on to tell her about the assessment, the suicidal thoughts and just the general struggles I am going through. It was probably the first time I have ever said some things out loud; how I would rather be dead then feel like this, that I am just a burden to others and how scared and worried I am. I was on the verge of tears and so was my friend. That was not my intention. She said she would care if I killed myself and that it would have a huge impact on her. I said that she’d get over it and move on. She told me that I am important to her. 

My friend said to message her about how the assessment goes. She said I can talk to her whenever I want. The gym has a booking system for classes. My friend told me that she checks if I am booked on for classes. She thought I had been struggling and knew I would talk to her when I was ready. I thought I was good at putting a mask on when I was struggling. Or my friend knows me too well. She has suggested meeting up for coffee with her and her Mum. Her Dad struggled for years with depression and he has made a recovery. She said it is totally up to me. His depression sounded as bad as mine; he would frequently say he wanted to throw himself under a bus. 

Feeling panicky

Is panicky even a word? Anyway, I am only typing this post in an attempt to distract myself. I am at the gym waiting for combat to start. My heart is beating as if I have exercised when I am sat down. My breathing is rapid and shallow. I don’t even know what is making me feel like this. I am contemplating going home and not bothering with the gym today. But I haven’t been out the house since Saturday. 

I really hope that someone comes into the studio that I know. It would be a welcome distraction. I also hope that the class isn’t busy. 

I feel like crying but I’m trying not to. I know if I cry I will just go home without doing any exercise today. I would phone someone but I am worried that will also make me cry.