As someone who works a handful of hours a week, I find it hard not to think about money and get stressed. I experience a lot of guilt about it. Dave works such long days and I barely work.
Until this weekend, I never really appreciated that having loads of money doesn’t mean you are really happy.
I have a wonderful group of friends that I met at the gym. I can’t express how grateful I am for them. They are my cheerleaders when I am struggling, massive amounts of fun to be around and bring out the best in me.
As I have got to know my three gym friends, I have opened up to them individually about my struggles. Doing this has seen my other friends do the same.
We have one guy in our group and he struggles massively with mental illness. He has a hugely complicated home life to contend with. He told me in a text message that he couldn’t do this anymore and was thinking of going to A&E as he felt like he was having a breakdown.
Dave and I went and picked him up on Saturday night and I dropped him back home today. He was in a bad way on Saturday night. But he has picked himself back up. I have told my friend that he can stay in our spare room whenever he needs to.
My friend doesn’t have the luxury of a calm environment when things are too much for him. He gave up a high paid career in London 6 years ago when his Dad had a massive breakdown. His family all have their own issues and they all live under one roof. My friend doesn’t have a loving and supportive family that will always have his back. His family are quite the opposite.
I am so glad that Dave and I were able to help a friend. My friend told me today that before Dave and I picked him up on Saturday, he was going through all the different ways he could kill himself.
Although Dave and I might not be rich in terms of money, we are rich in so many other ways; love, family and friends but to name a few.
Value the people in your life. We all have different struggles to face. You might not be able to be there with family or friends during particular struggles, but you can always be there for them to make those struggles easier to get through.
Have you ever cried so much that your whole face hurts? Your eyes feel heavy and you feel exhausted from using up so much energy. This is my current state.
After managing to spend the day with my friend, her little girl and our dogs, my mood had started to improve. But due to an incident at work, I am at rock bottom. I am now questioning myself in so many ways.
I can’t go into detail about what happened, but I absolutely broke down in work. I tried incredibly hard not to get upset. But now I am home I think that my anxiety was so high that I was having a severe panic attack. When driving home from work (early I may add as my boss was so concerned for my emotional state) I spent the entire drive thinking of ways I wanted to hurt myself. I can safely say I didn’t act upon any of these. But it has left me scared and uneasy.
This whole incident has me questioning whether I can continue certain aspects of my jobs. I felt that I had done the right thing. But I was made to feel that I was in the wrong. I find the whole thing really sad. I feel that I go above and beyond in my jobs. I feel like it has all been thrown back in my face.
Dave is unaware of anything about tonight. He is in work until 10pm and I felt it completely unfair on him to get in touch with him. It would only upset him and he wouldn’t be able to do anything to help.
Part of me is embarassed that I reacted like this. It just highlights how unstable I am. I want to just hibernate for a while. It feels that there is one thing after another. I use so much energy to get through each day and for what?
I had the worst experience possible in regards to the assessment with the crisis team. I didn’t realise that I could feel worse. But that is now the case.
I told the woman who assessed me everything. I didn’t hold back anything. I cried and I couldn’t stop. Her response? We will change your medication, leave you for about 2 – 3 weeks and then see how you get on. At this point I lost the plot.
I had been told earlier on that being under the crisis team would mean my CBT would cease until I was more stable. I understood that. It was of no benefit to me when I couldn’t function on a basic level. I asked what support I would get while adjusting to the new medication….nothing! I was told they would ‘wait and see’ how I reacted and then re refer me for CBT.
The thought of this alone terrified me. The worse part was that I was not told how to switch over to my new medication or any side effects. Dave waited for me in the waiting area and saw how bad I was. The woman tried to give me the prescription with no explanation in the waiting room. I told her I was not happy that this was being done in the waiting room. Dave then went to speak to the woman himself.
I was left on my own in the waiting room in floods of tears. About a dozen members of staff went past me. Not one of them checked if I was ok.
I wish I hadn’t gone to this assessment. I am in an extremely dark place. I was in hysterics for ages begging Dave to let me die as I couldn’t go on like this. I really want to hurt myself to stop feeling like this. The thought of suicide is more tempting than ever.
Dave is now too scared to leave me on my own. He is going to accompany me to all medical appointments from now on.
If anyone has any suggestions or ideas of where I go from here please comment on this post. I don’t have a decent GP at my local surgery and I feel that no medical professional is taking me seriously. I was told by the woman assessing me to try and think more positively. If it was that simple I wouldn’t be so ill was my response.