Emotional Day

Yesterday was my lovely Grandad’s funeral. I broke down crying as soon as the cars came to pick us up from my Nan’s house. I then cried all the way to the crematorium and throughout the funeral. The service was lovely. My Dad did an amazing job as a pallbearer and reading a poem. I was so proud of him. During the eulogy, the vicar doing the service mentioned about how excited my Grandad was about becoming a Great Grandad. It was hard to hear that, knowing he will never meet the baby. 

Due to the baby being awkward during our initial 12 week scan last week, we were offered one yesterday evening at 6pm. Part of me felt guilty that we had the scan on the same day as my Grandad’s funeral. The scan went really well. The baby is looking healthy and well. The brain looks good as does the heart. We saw the baby trying to suck its thumb and it looked like it was waving at us! The baby appears to have long legs too. They must take after me! We have a private scan booked for 3 weeks tomorrow to find out the gender of the baby. We can’t wait. The baby is due on 8th November. 

This weekend Dave and I are having a dog filled weekend. We are looking after Walter’s bestie/girlfriend as my friend is on a course. We are going to go to doggy play tomorrow afternoon and on Sunday we are taking them on a dachshund walk. I think a chilled out weekend is just what I need with Dave and these two:

I didn’t sleep well last night even though I was exhausted. I woke up around 3am and struggled to get back to sleep. 

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The battle within

My head is in a strange place at the moment. Each day is like a battle that I am fighting to get through.

This is the third day of feeling really low and highly anxious. I thought I was having what is a ‘normal’ low for me. But I am also experiencing higher levels of self loathing than normal. 

I struggle to sleep when I am like this. It is getting worse each night. No matter how tired I am, I don’t fall asleep for hours and I wake up frequently during the night. 

I am trying so much to get through this low. The gym isn’t always helping. I am on edge and anxious in classes. I tried pilates on Monday night after doing Bodyattack in the hope that it would help mentally. It was the worst thing I could have done; I spent the entire hour with thoughts in my head telling me how fat, useless and a burden I am. At least now I know not to do pilates when I am struggling…

Deep down, I know this will eventually pass. But it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. If anything, I have days when I am mentally well that I fear the days like this again…

Talking and trainers

On Monday afternoon I had my first CBT session through the NHS. It went well, better then I anticipated. My therapist is really nice and I felt comfortable talking to her. She said that my levels of self awareness are high. I filled in a questionnaire and scored severely depressed and anxious which didn’t shock me. I have my next session on Monday morning. 

I had my hair cut again yesterday. My undercut is even shorter then when it was first put in. My hairdresser shaved it this time and I really like it. I have my hair even shorter than my last cut. I would post a photo but I am looking rough because I am not sleeping very well again. 

My sleep pattern is really disturbed again. I am feeling tired during the day and by the time I go to bed at night I often have difficulty falling asleep. I am waking up during the night and so I don’t feel refreshed when I wake up in the mornings. If it continues I am going to have to see my GP. 

It’s my 30th birthday in two weeks. As part of my presents, Dave has got me these Reebok Cardio Ultra trainers for the gym:

   
 They were recommended by my gym trainer friend. She wears them and has noticed a massive difference in supporting her knees and back. I have been told they get some time to get used to. My friend suggested bringing my current nikes to switch into when needed. I am not at the gym now until Monday so I will have to wait until then to try them out. 

Next Saturday I am going for a Chinese to celebrate mine and my brother’s birthday. Our birthdays are only a few days apart. Dave and I are going to see Halestorm on the Monday after. He is taking me to our favourite Mexican on my birthday. 

I have some anxiety about the Halestorm gig. I think this stems from my experience during the last gig I went to. It was far from enjoyable and all I wanted to do was leave the venue. Dave has said that we can stand where I am comfortable which will probably near an exit of some kind. 

Tired but awake

It is so frustrating how tired I am yet I can’t sleep. The past few nights I haven’t had enough sleep. I made a conscious effort to unwind and relax tonight. I had a bath and read in bed. I took a sleeping tablet two hours ago yet I am still awake! The annoying thing is I have to be up early as I finally have an NHS counselling appointment at 8.30am. I only have two CBT sessions left so I am going to make sure that the NHS counselling will continue in May. 

So I thought I should use my time awake positively and do a post. 

After a bad few days, my CBT helped massively this afternoon. I experienced this massive wave of anxiety which came from nowhere before going the gym last night. I need to work on ‘pressing my pause button’ and to acknowledge that it is ok to be anxious. My current strategy has been to fight it and not address it. By acknowledging it I can then identify what I need to do to help the anxiety pass. We also looked at the high levels of guilt I experience and negative self talk that I frequently do when I experience anxiety or when my mood drops. We focused on how much I worry and what things I am worried about and strategies to help me worry less. Currently my worries are

  • I will never recover from my current relapse
  • That when I get back from Australia I will have nothing to look forward to
  • Getting a job if I do recover

Only 9 days to go until we fly out to Brisbane! We are gonna pack at the weekend and I am going to do a huge clean of the house one day next week before we go. I want to come back to a tidy house as I think it will help.

I’m getting my hair cut on Friday so it looks nice for Australia. My hair grows ridiculously fast and my fringe is in eyes. I’m also going for lunch with my parents. 

It is my godson’s 2nd birthday tomorrow. He is having a birthday party on Saturday which I am looking forward to. We haven’t seen him for a few weeks as we’ve been so busy. 

A breakthrough

So on Tuesday night I broke down. I felt overwhelmed, frustrated, tired and incredibly low. I ended up uttering the sentence, “I hate my life” to Dave. I’ve never said anything like this out loud to anyone. I’ve never wanted to voice these thoughts. I don’t want people worrying about me, especially Dave. We had a long chat. Dave is such a level headed person and he helped me calm down eventually. Dave and I decided that I have waited long enough for NHS counselling. We decided to try getting counselling via my Dad’s work. 

My GP appointment on Wednesday afternoon was actually quite productive. The doctor I saw was very good. She was really supportive and took what I said seriously. She asked me to fill in a questionnaire of some sort. I can’t remember the name of it but I got a score of 22 which is high. 

I was honest about my insomnia, how run down I am and how I am avoiding being around people. The doctor suggested upping my dosage of Citalopram from 30mg to 20mg. I am now taking it when I get up rather then before bed. She also gave me sleeping tablets for the next month. I have an annoying rattle sounding cough and as I am asthmatic the doctor listened to my chest. Thankfully, my chest is clear. I have to go for blood tests because of how ill I am getting. She mentioned something about my thyroid and how that might be impacting my low mood. Luckily, my GP surgery can do the blood tests on Wednesdays so I have an appointment on Wednesday morning before the gym. I explained how I want to be more settled before going to Australia. She wants to see me again before I go. I am seeing her again the week before Dave and I fly out. 

The sleeping tablets are slowly having a positive impact. My usual lying awake for hours on end has decreased dramatically. The past two nights I haven’t woken up during the night. Although I am still not getting enough sleep right now, I woke up at 8.30am on Thursday and 9am this morning. This makes a pleasant change to 7am!

I experienced high levels of anxiety at the gym last night. I am not sure if this is due to the increased medication dosage, switching to taking it when I wake up or something else entirely. I was on the verge of tears before the start of bodypump. The anxiety did subside gradually during the classes. My appetite is virtually non existant since increasing the dosage. 

On Wednesday afternoon I have my first counselling session. I am entitled to six sessions which my Dad’s work are paying for. I feel like I will be able to get a handle on my depression and anxiety and actually start recovering. I am going to ask this counsellor for my notes at the end of my last session with her so that when I actually get to see an NHS counsellor I can continue making progress. For the first time in I don’t know how long I haven’t felt anxious today. 

Insomnia

Getting a good night’s sleep has been something I have struggled with for a number of months now. Initially, the issue I had was falling asleep. I couldn’t tell you the last time that I was able to fall asleep as soon as I got into bed even when I have felt like I was dropping on my feet. After hours of tossing and turning I would eventually fall asleep but wake up tired. 

Since switching to Citalopram my insomnia has become noticeably worse. As well as the struggle to fall asleep, I now wake up frequently throughout the night and I am waking up much earlier in the morning. Before taking Citalopram, I wouldn’t even know Dave had got up for work. At present, I am waking up when Dave is getting ready for work. Once I am awake I can’t fall back asleep. Even at weekends when Dave and I have a lie in at least one morning, I am waking up at around 7.30am. 

I only made the link between Citalopram and insomnia when I was driving home from the gym last night. I was being overly harsh on myself as I found the classes at the gym really hard. Yesterday afternoon I felt overwhelmingly tired. I made a conscious effort to eat enough and drink enough water. I ended up with a tired headache. This did go after I had a snack before the gym. Even before bodycombat, my favourite class, I felt spaced out and not totally with it. As the class went on I kept making mistakes that I don’t normally make. 

I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow. I say my GP, but I am yet again seeing a random GP as the one I actually like isn’t working this week. This is the third time since being diagnosed that I have had to see a random GP. It is not helpful as I am already worried about what this doctor will be like. I have seen some extremely unsympathetic doctors. I am tired of going over the same things with different doctors. I am definitely mentioning the insomnia. I am open to suggestions as I am trying everything. I do not eat really late at night and I have tried getting baths at night. But, I am reluctant to start on sleeping tablets. 

My anxiety is bad at the moment which I think is linked to lack of sleep. The gym was busy at times last night. I felt on the verge of a panic attack as more people came into the studio. It felt like the walls were coming in on me. Dave and I have been invited to a 30th birthday party for someone from Dave’s work on Saturday. I have met the girl who’s party it is but I have told Dave that I am getting too worked up about it and don’t think it is a good idea that I go. I have told Dave that he should go without me but he is insisting he would rather spend time with me. 

Dave and I had a good time round at our friends on Saturday. We had a lovely Indian takeaway and watched the Lego Movie in 3D which we love. We had intended to watch Gravity as well but we were all too busy talking and catching up. Unfortunately when we got home I got upset. I have noticed that I feel extremely guilty whenever I have a good time. It’s like a part of me feels that I don’t deserve to have positive experiences. I didn’t let this guilt spill over into Sunday. I have recently started watching Pretty Little Liars and I continued with this on Sunday as well as playing some of The Wolf Among Us on the xbox.

This weekend Dave and I are planning on blitzing season 3 of House of Cards which comes out on Netflix. We are still making sure that we see our friends but we’ve agreed that this needs to be one set of friends per weekend. I am still finding it draining if we do too much. 

Gym rant 

So I nearly walked out of a class at the gym on Saturday morning. 

Going the gym was a big deal yet again on Saturday. Yet another crap night’s sleep on Friday and my poor appetite didn’t exactly have me motivated to get up at 8am. But I did. I forced some porridge down. 

The gym is busy at the moment. I have no issue with new people joining gyms. It takes courage to go in the gym or at a group exercise class when you are new to it. However, the amount of people who are then rude or inconsiderate give ammunition to those gym members who moan about new people. 

I stand at the back of the studio, near enough to the door. This helps me keep my anxiety in check. I make sure to arrive with enough time so that I get to work out where I am comfortable.

People are frequently coming late to classes. Instead of looking for a space in the studio they end up standing right near me. It happened in BodyAttack on Saturday but I was able to deal with it. As we move around the studio during this class I ended up with enough space around me. 

During BodyPump a number of people came in late. It is extremely distracting when you are trying to squat with a barbell. I ended up with two people practically on top of me. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. After the warm up I threw my barbell down in frustration and went and sat outside the studio in an attempt to calm myself down. I know that I would have gone straight home if it wasn’t for the fact that I refuse to be one of those people at the gym who leave equipment out. I managed to go back in and finish the class. 

My friend who runs the classes apologised to me at the end. As a result of what happened on Saturday it is making me dread going the gym even more so tonight. If it happens again tonight I will walk out. It’s a health and safety issue. I would have been the world’s worst if god forbid I hit somebody with a weight. Part of me is angry it got to this point on Saturday. My friend could have told these people to move to somewhere else in the studio. 

On a more positive note, Dave and I went out for lunch and for a drink in Starbucks on Saturday. I found I was full for the rest of the day. Looking back, we probably shouldn’t have gone to Starbucks. I became anxious quite quickly and I had to leave before finishing my drink. I tried to push myself too much. The rest of the weekend was spent catching up on Gotham, rewatching some more of House of Cards and we also watched the first episode of Fortitude. 

My sleep is terrible again. I had to have a nap yesterday afternoon. I am having horrible nightmares now. One woke me up last night and I struggled to fall back asleep. I have awful black bags under my eyes and my face is so pale. My appetite is still bad. I have yet to eat today. I lost 3lb this week. Probably why Dave made sure we went out for lunch on Saturday. 

Dave and I talked a lot over the weekend about my depression and anxiety. He is extremely concerned that I have still yet to see a counsellor. He is going to phone our local NHS services to find out what is going on. I hate speaking to people on the phone at the moment, as pathetic as it sounds. I don’t like speaking to people full stop right now though.