Home Sweet Home

Today marks 8 days in our new home. Although we still have a lot more unpacking and sorting to do, I love our house. 

The lead up to the move was inevitably stressful. On the day itself, I felt I was running on adrenaline. I wasn’t sleeping properly during the days leading up to the move. Thankfully, my family were amazingly helpful. I was so exhausted by the time Dave and I had a proper sit down. 

Unfortunately, Dave’s parents came to visit us the day after we moved in. I have no idea why they thought it was a good idea to come less than 24 hours after we moved in. But it sums up Dave’s Mum. We were so tired and Walter was out of sorts in his new house. I was glad when she finally left. I felt I could finally start to relax. She is officially the most negative and draining person I know.

I am officially not taking the pill anymore. I feel like a proper grown up now what with my own house and trying for a baby.


Rock Bottom

Have you ever cried so much that your whole face hurts? Your eyes feel heavy and you feel exhausted from using up so much energy. This is my current state. 

After managing to spend the day with my friend, her little girl and our dogs, my mood had started to improve. But due to an incident at work, I am at rock bottom. I am now questioning myself in so many ways. 

I can’t go into detail about what happened, but I absolutely broke down in work. I tried incredibly hard not to get upset. But now I am home I think that my anxiety was so high that I was having a severe panic attack. When driving home from work (early I may add as my boss was so concerned for my emotional state) I spent the entire drive thinking of ways I wanted to hurt myself. I can safely say I didn’t act upon any of these. But it has left me scared and uneasy. 

This whole incident has me questioning  whether I can continue certain aspects of my jobs. I felt that I had done the right thing. But I was made to feel that I was in the wrong. I find the whole thing really sad. I feel that I go above and beyond in my jobs. I feel like it has all been thrown back in my face. 

Dave is unaware of anything about tonight. He is in work until 10pm and I felt it completely unfair on him to get in touch with him. It would only upset him and he wouldn’t be able to do anything to help. 

Part of me is embarassed that I reacted like this. It just highlights how unstable I am. I want to just hibernate for a while. It feels that there is one thing after another. I use so much energy to get through each day and for what?

Christmas stress

I hope you all had a nice Christmas day. I had a lovely time with my family. I am so lucky that I am close to my parents and siblings. But the same cannot be said for Dave’s family. 

I have always struggled with where I stand with Dave’s Mum. Throughout my relationship with Dave, the few times we do actually see her, she spends most of the time bitching and moaning about other family members. Because of this, I worry what she says about me behind my back. She frequently bitches about Dave’s sister’s husband so why wouldn’t she do the same about me?

Dave’s sister has two little girls. Dave’s parents frequently travel hundreds of miles, to the other end of the country, to see Dave’s sister, her husband and the girls. Dave and I have lived in our current house for nearly four and a half years. Do you want to know how many times Dave’s parents have been to out house in that space of time?….Twice!

Things came to a head during August Bank Holiday weekend. Dave’s cousin was over from Brisbane so she came with us to lunch with Dave’s parents, sister, her husband and their little girl for her 2nd birthday. As soon as we arrived, there was a weird atmosphere. It had been my 30th birthday the week earlier and I hadn’t seen any of them since Christmas. No one asked how I was or if I had a nice birthday. I was really upset when we left. So much so I ended up in tears. 

To top it off, Dave’s parents have never met Walter. Dave’s Mum claims to be scared of dogs. Dave has offered countless times to come to ours to meet him so she can see that there is nothing to be scared of. I have witnessed firsthand the impact of a dog phobia. Dominic was terrified of them for years. Yet he has managed to get over his fear and loves dogs now. A fear in a child with autism is more heightened compared to a fear someone who is neurotypical may have. 

On Bank Holiday Monday, Dave and I are spending the day at his parents. As you can imagine, I am extremely anxious and dreading it. My parents are looking after Walter as we are not allowed to take him with us. This means we have to go out of our way to drop Walter off before driving to their house. 

I feel so bad on Dave. He doesn’t understand why things are so strained and hates the fact his parents haven’t even tried to meet Walter.