11 months old

I have been meaning to post for awhile. But, being a Mummy of a very inquisitive and active baby makes it a little big challenging haha!

Daisy is now 11 months old. I can’t quite believe it. It seems like every day Daisy changes, grows and learns something new. Daisy is such a character. She is cheeky, funny and incredibly nosy.

Daisy sleeps through the night and has been for, I would say, the past three months. She has three teeth, loves her food, has been crawling for two months and is pulling herself up. Daisy waves, claps and points.

Daisy adores books and singing. She loves being around people and is incredibly sociable. Daisy tends to be the noisiest baby at the baby groups we go to and likes to make her presence known!

In terms of my anxiety and depression, I am managing it well. I take Daisy out to some sort of group or activity each day. When I do feel anxious or low, it is not to the extremes that it was a few years ago. My worries tend to do with Daisy; is she ok, am I a good enough Mum etc.

There was a time I would refuse to acknowledge the mental health difficulties I experience to anyone. I am the total opposite now. I speak openly to those around me. I no longer feel any sense of shame or embarrassment.

Being Daisy’s Mummy is the most amazing job in the world. She is the best thing to have happened to me. I get emotional when I think about how much love, joy and happiness she has brought to my life.

If you would like to see any updates on Daisy, I regularly post photos on my instagram account @originalgemskibob. Feel free to add me and just drop me a message letting me know who you are.

It’s been too long

I have missed blogging. I’ve struggled to find the time for it though.

So Daisy is 4 months old now. 4 months!!! At times, I find it hard to believe. She has more than doubled her birth weight, is so close to rolling over and has such a cheeky personality. We are having proper belly laughs from her now, which are just the best.

At times, Daisy is teething. Thankfully, it comes in short bursts. I really feel for her when it’s bad. All she wants is to cuddle.

Being a Mum brings new challenges in terms of my mental health. Sometimes I get stuck in a cycle of worrying about something about Daisy. Other times, I feel overwhelmed and I am filled with self doubt. I know that I put a lot of pressure on myself. I try to talk to Dave whenever I am struggling like this. He is really good at helping me think more logically.

Regardless of the struggles I do experience at times, I truly love being a Mum. It is a joy and a privilege to get to experience motherhood. It is indescribable how amazing it is to get to watch Daisy grow and change.

6 weeks already!

Tomorrow Daisy will be 6 weeks old. It has flown by! She now fits in newborn and 0 – 3 month clothes after being in tiny baby clothes from birth.

Daisy enjoys cuddles, music and singing. She loves having her cheeks stroked and her hands rubbed. Daisy is making lots of different noises and likes to grab your hands.

I can’t remember life before being a Mum. I have never experienced tiredness like it but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I don’t know what sleep is anymore but I am so used to being sleep deprived now. Being a Mum is extremely hard but it is the most rewarding and amazing thing.

When Daisy was first born, I definitely experienced the baby blues. I was crying over everything and anything, good and bad. I did have concerns that it was post natal depression, but it was definitely due to all the hormones from being pregnant and giving birth. I feel confident and at ease being a Mum. My confidence has grown over these past 6 weeks and I am not afraid to talk to people if I am feeling overwhelmed or unsure.

Unraveling

I didn’t get the job I had the interview for. To say I am upset is an understatement. The job was a specialist behaviour advisor for an autism helpline. To be knocked back for this job has made me feel inadequate. Since I was 19 I have worked with those with autism. It is something I thought I was good at. 

The feedback I got from the interview has not helped my self esteem. When I am anxious I do speak faster. I naturally talk fast as a result of being from Liverpool. I did say during my interview that I do speak fast when I am nervous. I was told that I speak too fast and this was a concern. 

My anxiety can make social sociations difficult. I feel stupid and that I am being judged when I do speak to people when I am out and about. I now feel even more self concious about talking when I am out. 

I was told my autism knowledge was at a high standard and this was shown through my answers to questions and during the written assessment. I was then told that my knowledge was ‘too child based’. All but one of the questions I was asked were specifically to do with children with autism! 

Maybe I shouldn’t have applied for this job at all. I have felt constantly anxious since submitting the application. The build up to the interview had a huge impact on me. I wasn’t sleeping properly, struggling to relax and having stomach pain and headaches. I found travelling to London a nightmare. I don’t know what I would have done if Dave hadn’t offered to go. I was in a constant state of anxiety. 

I was out with Walter when I received the phone call to say I was unsuccessful. I hadn’t been out long and I just wanted to go straight home. I went into shutdown mode and couldn’t wait until I was back in the house. 

I was due to go the gym after taking Walter for his walk. I ended up cancelling the class I was supposed to be doing. I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone.

I am really trying to move past this whole thing but I am finding it difficult. If I can’t get a job that I am qualified to do then what the hell am I going to do? I have no energy or interest in doing anything today. I feel physically drained. I barely slept last night and Dave told me I was having night terrors. I have woke up with the same headache I went to bed with and sore face from how upset I was last night. 

I am still waiting for my NHS CBT sessions to start. I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to leave the house incase I have to interact with people. I am planning on taking Walter for his walk later on today when the chances of this happening are low. 

This whole thing has shown how fragile my mental state is. It is scary how fast I can unravel when faced with something difficult or challenging. The suicidal ideations are overwhelming. I don’t want to burden the few people that I am close to. I don’t know what to do. I am scared to be on my own but I don’t want to be around anyone either if that makes sense. 

Sleepy Sunday

Walter had us up loads during the night. It’s a good job he is so damn cute!

   
  

 

Walter had his last injection yesterday morning. We can finally start taking him for walks next Saturday!!! I think he was unsettled because of his injection. He is normally fine at night but we had to take him the toilet a lot more than usual. We are having a lazy day as we are all really tired. 

I was surprised how much easier I found the gym yesterday. Reducing the number of classes I go to each week has possibly helped. I really enjoy my Saturday mornings at the gym. More so now then when I was doing more classes.

I’m back at the doctors tomorrow morning. Although I am doing a lot better, I am still struggling with the occasional suicidal thoughts. 

I’ve not got much planned this week. Got the usual stuff like the gym and Dom. My sister might be coming round with her friend and her friend’s 5 year old daughter at some point. Our friends are coming round next Sunday with their dog. So happy Walter can be around other dogs next weekend. 

Still struggling

You know things are bad when your doctor asks you to come back in again in two weeks. 

My doctor was really sympathetic yesterday. I didn’t want to be at the doctors. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I still don’t. My medication has been increased to 40mg a day. I am being referred for CBT on the NHS. The NHS counselling is really not helping. Talking isn’t helping. I need more than just talking. I told my GP this. 

Normally I am asked to come back in every four weeks when I am struggling. I was told to come back in two weeks. Maybe because I was honest and said that I am suicidal. 

Trying to articulate what is going on in my head is a struggle. So I always come home after a GP appointment feeling quite emotional. Walter was in a funny mood when I got home from the doctors. He wouldn’t stop barking regardless of what I tried. I was at my wits end and ended up in tears. Pathetic huh? 

Depression likes to tell me that I am shit at everything. The latest thing it likes to tell me is that Walter hates me and I’m shit with him. 

I’m at the point I was at the beginning of the year. I don’t want to leave the house or do anything. I am still going the gym as much as my head tells me not to. I’m not getting much enjoyment out of it. 

I’ve just got to keep going and believe that things will get better. Even if depression and anxiety like to tell me otherwise. 

The darkness is winning

Thank you to each and every one of you who took the time to comment on my post from last night. I was overwhelmed with the messages of support. 

As much as I am trying to fight this, the darkness has overtaken my head. I feel like it is kicking my arse. I ended up messaging my friend from the gym last night. She has said to get in touch if I need to. We had a lengthy conversation via whatsapp. She told me I am one of the bravest women she knows and a lot of other nice things. Shame I don’t believe a word of it. 

I have an appointment with my GP on Monday. I will only see two of the doctors at my surgery. The lack of understanding I have had from a few other doctors has put me off seeing anyone else. I would have preferred to have an appointment much sooner but this was the earliest appointment the doctors had. I feel that my anti depressants aren’t helping. Possibly my body has become used to the current dosage I am on. I fought against the internal battle in my head and went to combat this morning. I sat on the couch with Walter crying before I left the house. It was difficult to stop. Initially combat helped take the edge off things. But as today went on, I felt like the endorphins were wearing off. The darkness has come back at full force. 

My parents and sister popped in for a bit this afternoon. They were nearby to where I live. I cried so much after they left. I don’t even know why. I then had to get into some sort of mindset so that I could take Dom out. 

I found it so difficult being out with Dom tonight. I had to use every ounce of energy to not let my current mental state impact on him. This has nothing to do with him. This has shown me how unwell I am right now. Dom is someone who helps when I am low. I couldn’t wait to drop him off so I could get home. 

I’m finding it difficult to relax. I feel that I am all cried out but have had these random spells of uncontrollable crying throughout today. I have been having suicidal thoughts all day. It’s like my mind cannot think of anything else but ways to punish myself. When driving to the gym I thought how easy it would be to purposefully crash my car. To end all this once and for all. 

Please don’t take this as me saying I am going to kill myself. I’m just trying to make sense of all the thoughts swirling round in my head. I fucking hate depression and anxiety. 

The anxiety battle

Good old anxiety. I knew as soon as I woke up yesterday that I was going to have to try really hard to not let my anxiety win. I didn’t want to get out of bed when I woke up. I didn’t see much point. I was having to force myself to eat. I didn’t have an appetite but I know that given my active lifestyle I need to keep eating. I was in tears a lot yesterday. 

It is scary when you cannot pinpoint what it is exactly that is making you feel so scared and anxious or what triggers it. The severe anxiety can lead to frequently feeling suicidal. I sometimes find it hard to see the point in going on like this. It’s hard to see any way out of all this. I also think a lot of the time that my family and friends would be better off without me. I am just a burden, an inconvenience. 

I did go and get new trainers. I forced myself to go and felt on edge the entire time. I ended up going with these: 

My knees were sore again after my classes. I messaged my trainer last night about it. She thinks that it will take time for the sore knees to subside. She has said to rest more. I am having a rest day before the charity event tomorrow. Emotionally, I could also do with having a day that I don’t have to go out given my high anxiety levels. I am also going to have more rest days in between gym days to allow my knees recovery time. 

I couldn’t wait to get home after the gym last night. I still felt anxious after working out which is such a horrible feeling. My anxiety last night had me contemplating not taking part in the charity event tomorrow. However, as much as my anxiety is telling me not to bother, I would like to think that completing this challenge will be of more benefit to me then not doing it if that makes sense. I am hoping that I will have a confidence boost from it. I am worried about tomorrow. There will be 40 people taking part which is a lot given the space of the studio. I feel panicky if I don’t have what I deem enough personal space. 

Today my anxiety isn’t as bad as yesterday. I have more of an appetite and I am more relaxed. I find it hard at my lowest to see how things are going to improve and how I will ever feel better. It scares me how my mood can go from bad to worse. It is at an alarmingly fast rate and it just spirals out of control.