Help and support

The NHS counselling I was having wasn’t working for me. I felt like I wasn’t getting anything from the sessions. The counsellor would speak to me like a child. As a result, I dreaded going. Not the usual anxiety filled dread. But rather the dread of having to spend an hour doing something unproductive. I have had counselling in the past and I found it beneficial. I think it was the counsellor that made me feel like this. 

After much messing round with different people through my local NHS services, I finally got an assessment appointment for CBT. I had it this morning. It went fine. I am now on a waiting list. This shouldn’t be an issue as I still have some sessions left with the private CBT counsellor I am seeing.  CBT has been so much more useful to my recovery compared to counselling. I feel more in control and have found strategies that help me. I want to build on this and CBT through the NHS will hopefully allow me to do this. 

I decided to cancel my counselling. The relief I felt after I had done it reiterated that I had made the right decision. Plus, someone else who is currently waiting for counselling can now access it. 

Walter loves going for walks. He gets so excited when he knows we are going for a walk. He is such a poser:

  
Beside the fact he takes ages to go on a short walk round the block, Walter is quite good when we are out. He is overwhelmed by all the new smells. Plus, he is super nosy whenever we walk past anyone. I have had so many people stop us when we are out. Walter loves the fuss that is made of him. 

Walter had a little play date with our friend’s border collie Fly. They got on well. Fly is so laid back which helped:

   
 

   

  

 

They played in the back garden and went for a quick walk. Walter was exhausted when they left. My godson absolutely loves Walter. He kept going over to stroke him. Walter loved it!

   
   

I have loved spending time outside in the garden and on walks with Walter. He is coming on loads. We’ve managed to get him to sit and put his paw up instead of jumping up on the couch. He also waits for his food now. When we first got him he would dive at his food like we were going to take it away from him. I enjoy having Walter to focus on. My mood hasn’t been as low since a few weeks ago. The only thing I am struggling with is that I’m not getting enough sleep. Walter wakes up at 5am each morning (regardless of what time we put him in his crate for the night) to go the toilet. He then wakes up each hour after that. Dave thinks the sun wakes him up. We are going to put a blanket over his crate and see if this has an effect. I think it will be just a matter of time before Walter can sleep through the night. He is only 14 weeks old and his bladder is only small. 

There is going to be another Fit for 5ive event at the gym in July. I am really looking forward to it. The gym is still helping me to regulate my mood. With having Walter, I really enjoy having some ‘me’ time that the gym offers. I am planning on increasing my weights in Bodypump as my fitness seems to have improved. 

This Friday = new series of Orange is the New Black!!! Dave and I absolutely love this show. We are planning on spending Saturday afternoon watching it. I have just started watching Misfits. I didn’t expect to enjoy it as much as I have done (so far). 

Sleepy Sunday

Walter had us up loads during the night. It’s a good job he is so damn cute!

   
  

 

Walter had his last injection yesterday morning. We can finally start taking him for walks next Saturday!!! I think he was unsettled because of his injection. He is normally fine at night but we had to take him the toilet a lot more than usual. We are having a lazy day as we are all really tired. 

I was surprised how much easier I found the gym yesterday. Reducing the number of classes I go to each week has possibly helped. I really enjoy my Saturday mornings at the gym. More so now then when I was doing more classes.

I’m back at the doctors tomorrow morning. Although I am doing a lot better, I am still struggling with the occasional suicidal thoughts. 

I’ve not got much planned this week. Got the usual stuff like the gym and Dom. My sister might be coming round with her friend and her friend’s 5 year old daughter at some point. Our friends are coming round next Sunday with their dog. So happy Walter can be around other dogs next weekend. 

Gym rant 

So I nearly walked out of a class at the gym on Saturday morning. 

Going the gym was a big deal yet again on Saturday. Yet another crap night’s sleep on Friday and my poor appetite didn’t exactly have me motivated to get up at 8am. But I did. I forced some porridge down. 

The gym is busy at the moment. I have no issue with new people joining gyms. It takes courage to go in the gym or at a group exercise class when you are new to it. However, the amount of people who are then rude or inconsiderate give ammunition to those gym members who moan about new people. 

I stand at the back of the studio, near enough to the door. This helps me keep my anxiety in check. I make sure to arrive with enough time so that I get to work out where I am comfortable.

People are frequently coming late to classes. Instead of looking for a space in the studio they end up standing right near me. It happened in BodyAttack on Saturday but I was able to deal with it. As we move around the studio during this class I ended up with enough space around me. 

During BodyPump a number of people came in late. It is extremely distracting when you are trying to squat with a barbell. I ended up with two people practically on top of me. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. After the warm up I threw my barbell down in frustration and went and sat outside the studio in an attempt to calm myself down. I know that I would have gone straight home if it wasn’t for the fact that I refuse to be one of those people at the gym who leave equipment out. I managed to go back in and finish the class. 

My friend who runs the classes apologised to me at the end. As a result of what happened on Saturday it is making me dread going the gym even more so tonight. If it happens again tonight I will walk out. It’s a health and safety issue. I would have been the world’s worst if god forbid I hit somebody with a weight. Part of me is angry it got to this point on Saturday. My friend could have told these people to move to somewhere else in the studio. 

On a more positive note, Dave and I went out for lunch and for a drink in Starbucks on Saturday. I found I was full for the rest of the day. Looking back, we probably shouldn’t have gone to Starbucks. I became anxious quite quickly and I had to leave before finishing my drink. I tried to push myself too much. The rest of the weekend was spent catching up on Gotham, rewatching some more of House of Cards and we also watched the first episode of Fortitude. 

My sleep is terrible again. I had to have a nap yesterday afternoon. I am having horrible nightmares now. One woke me up last night and I struggled to fall back asleep. I have awful black bags under my eyes and my face is so pale. My appetite is still bad. I have yet to eat today. I lost 3lb this week. Probably why Dave made sure we went out for lunch on Saturday. 

Dave and I talked a lot over the weekend about my depression and anxiety. He is extremely concerned that I have still yet to see a counsellor. He is going to phone our local NHS services to find out what is going on. I hate speaking to people on the phone at the moment, as pathetic as it sounds. I don’t like speaking to people full stop right now though. 

Helpless

I went the gym last night. I managed to eat before. I really didn’t want to go. But a part of me thought that why should I not go when I have done nothing wrong. My friend was in the changing rooms when I went to put my bag in a locker. But the layout of the changing rooms meant that I got away with making out I hadn’t seen her. She then saw me when I went to get water. She was really apologetic and chatty. 

I didn’t talk to her at the end of the classes. I have decided that unless she initiates a conversation with me I won’t be waiting round to talk. I wasn’t so angry by the end of the classes. But the gym hadn’t helped improve my mood. 

I was worn out after yesterday. Yet I have had a terrible night’s sleep. I couldn’t fall asleep for ages. I just lay there in the dark crying feeling completely helpless. Suicidal thoughts run through my head and they have been there on and off for days now. I woke up this morning with a headache. My appetite is still bad. The idea of eating makes me feel sick. 

Is this going to be my life now? Full of despair, fighting a constant battle in my head and not wanting to leave the house or see people? When my family phone I pretend I’m fine. I can’t bring myself to tell them how bad I am. It won’t achieve anything except make them worry more. They live 15 miles away from Dave and I and they are all busy with their own lives. I am still waiting for my first counselling appointment. I do want to make a recovery. I need help in changing my negative thinking patterns and dealing with situations that upset me.

Dave and I have no plans this weekend. I don’t know if this is a good thing or not. Dave doesn’t want to push me too much right now. Yet, I know he is concerned that I am so reluctant to leave the house.