It’s 6.50am. I have been awake since 5.40am after another restless night. I went to bed exhausted after two classes at the gym. Yet I am still not able to sleep all night without sleeping tablets. 

After the gym last night, my friend asked if I was ok. I told her I wasn’t. I went on to tell her about the assessment, the suicidal thoughts and just the general struggles I am going through. It was probably the first time I have ever said some things out loud; how I would rather be dead then feel like this, that I am just a burden to others and how scared and worried I am. I was on the verge of tears and so was my friend. That was not my intention. She said she would care if I killed myself and that it would have a huge impact on her. I said that she’d get over it and move on. She told me that I am important to her. 

My friend said to message her about how the assessment goes. She said I can talk to her whenever I want. The gym has a booking system for classes. My friend told me that she checks if I am booked on for classes. She thought I had been struggling and knew I would talk to her when I was ready. I thought I was good at putting a mask on when I was struggling. Or my friend knows me too well. She has suggested meeting up for coffee with her and her Mum. Her Dad struggled for years with depression and he has made a recovery. She said it is totally up to me. His depression sounded as bad as mine; he would frequently say he wanted to throw himself under a bus. 

10 thoughts on “Restless

  1. I’m really sorry to hear you’re having to struggle so hard but it’s good to know you have support there if you want it 🙂 It helps me to remember that ‘This too shall pass.’ But I know that might sound trite.


  2. I’d say meet with them for a chat. It can just be a coffee and chat first, don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. Not sure how depression works, so sorry if I come across as oh meeting people will do you the world of good, I don’t mean it like that. But maybe having people close by will help? At least you know your mate will miss you, so if it’s one how many other would.


    • I know my friend’s Mum as she comes to classes at the gym and she’s lovely. I probably will meet up with them as much as I am embarassed that I am like this. You don’t have to be sorry for being unsure about depression x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve been up since silly o clock too, mind churning away!

    Your friend sounds like she’ll be really supportive, and it’s good you have someone to talk to.

    Good luck with the assessment today 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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