Back on the horse

After a chilled out weekend I managed to get myself in a better headspace about the gym. It helped that I talked to my friend from the gym via whatsapp. The conversation wasn’t about my mental health. It was just a typical conversation between friends. One of my big worries was facing her after what happened at the gym on Thursday evening.

The anxiety was still there today. Dave was messaging me words of support and encouragement. But I went to the gym with the mindset that I wouldn’t let my anxiety win today…and it didn’t! I did the entire Bodycombat without anxiety rearing its ugly head.

Gemma 1 – Anxiety 0

I also didn’t let the current low I am experiencing stop me from taking Walter to puppy class with Dave. This week we asked to bring something that your puppy sleeps on. We took one of Walter’s blankets that he sleeps on in his crate. We were then shown how to get your puppy to go on his bed. Walter already responds to “in your bed”. He has a routine of going out to the toilet and then going straight into his crate ready to sleep each night. It is something Dave and I have instilled from the beginning and it was evident during the class. Walter was definitely one of the most responsive dogs. I was so proud of him!

The last half hour of puppy class is a chance for all the dogs to socialise. We let them off their leads and they can do what they want. The puppy class we take Walter to is on a huge secured field. It has taken weeks for Walter to get more confident socialising, but he is definitely getting there. At the beginning, he would sprint towards the gate to leave the field. I don’t think he will ever be as lively as the labradors in the class. But considering he is the smallest dog in the class by a lot I can understand his hesitation. This week I managed to get some photos of Walter socialising:

The lovely Tilly

One of the trainers brought her 12 week old minature labrador called Wibble. Walter loved her!!!

Betty the black lab

Walter did so well considering he has been out of sorts. He is teething and lost a tooth on Friday. As you can imagine, he hasn’t been very keen to eat. He was also sleeping a lot more than usual and generally being more cuddly (if that’s possible!) more than usual.

This is Walter’s teddy Jesse. Yep…Walter is named after Walter White from Breaking Bad. We had to call his teddy Jesse. This is a kong teddy and it is fab! It has minimal stuffing and has rope inside it.

I am happy to say that Walter is much more himself. He has eaten all his food the past two days and has been playing a lot more.

Tomorrow I have Dom. On Friday his Mum is getting married. Dom is an usher and I am going to support him. I am worried about how I will cope with the day. But the most important thing for me is ensuring that Dom is ok. It means one less thing for his Mum to worry about and I am so glad I can help. I will post about how it went.

Wiped out

Last night’s episode at the gym has taken it out of me. I am so tired. My eyes and head are really hurting. I took Walter for his walk in an attempt to wake myself up. I feel even worse for it. I have managed to eat a bit but I have no appetite.

Walter has puppy class tomorrow morning and we are going round to my parents for tea. I would much prefer to sit in all weekend. I am not up to facing the world. However, that won’t help me get out of this low.

When is all this shit going to end?!

Panic attack?

My anxiety at the gym has gone up to a whole new level. For the second time this week I was getting awful chest pains during a class. It got increasingly worse to the point where my breathing became shallow. I am asthmatic but it doesn’t impact me on a day to day basis.

I wanted to walk out of the class tonight. It got to the stage when my friend taking the class came over to see if I was ok. I was coughing at times.

Was this a panic attack or not? I felt like it was rather than asthma. I experience similar things when my anxiety is bad. It’s an all new low when I had this at the gym. I don’t want to go back in case it happens again. I was so embarassed.

At the end of the class my friend asked if I was alright. I told her about not getting the job (she knew I had an interview) and that I haven’t been doing too good. She was really supportive and said I had done well to come the gym tonight. I cried as soon as I got in my car after the class.

A trip to my GP is probably needed. I don’t know what else they can do though.

The Autistic Gardener

For those who are not aware or who don’t live in the UK, there is currently a wonderful series called The Autistic Gardener. I’m not into gardening at all but my passion for autism had piqued me interest when I first saw the adverts for the show.

This isn’t your typical programme about autism and it is refreshing. As the title suggests, this follows a gardener with autism. Alan leads a team of autists who are given the challenge of renovating a range of gardens. The autists are all keen gardeners and each week they are given different jobs.

It makes a welcoming change to have an autistic narrating a programme about autism. Alan’s narration is very honest, informative and humourous. This series is able to show how if we focus on strengths you can strive. A number of the team, including Alan, are able to focus on the small details of a garden that is neurotypicals probably don’t even register. They can visualise what would work in varying spaces. Other strengths of the team include the ability to focus when working on a garden within a deadline, photographic memory and their passion and positivity.

As the weeks go by, it is lovely to see the progress each member of the team has made. For instance, at the beginning of the series Thomas who has Asperger’s syndrome, really struggled to articulate his thoughts. We saw how frustrating this was for him. Alan pushed him out of his comfort zone and allocated him as the team leader one week. This appears to have been beneficial to Thomas. He appears more confident and able to express his ideas.

I could write so much more about this fantastic series but I will leave it there. It is on each week on Channel 4 on Wednesdays at 8pm.

The Dragon’s Loyalty Award

The Dragon’s Loyalty Award is designed to give recognition to other bloggers who support your blog on a regular basis. Thank you to Tadhg and Amber for nominating me.
Here are the rules:

Put the award logo in your post.
Thank the person who nominated you and put a link to their blog.
Nominate 15 other bloggers.
Let your nominees know you’ve nominated them.
Post 7 facts about yourself.

My nominations:

The Rabbit Hole

Getting Through Anxiety

Three Kids And I

Nicky’s Day With Autism

The Life Of An Anxious Teen

Peace From Panic

The Pebble In My Shoe

David Snape & Friends

Lost Found Girl

Life Of Mi Blog

Seriously Not Boring

7 Facts About Me:

I am 5’8″ which is considered tall for a woman.
I had a variety of braces on my teeth from aged 9 until I was 16. I also had to have four adult teeth removed as my mouth is apparently too small. Needless to say, I am not a fan of the dentist!
I am a massive fan of musicals. My favourites are probably Hairspray, Phantom of the Opera and Avenue Q.
I have a first cousin who will be 11 later this year, making me 19 years older than him.
I have met Slash who is also my favourite guitarist.
I’m a gamer girl and my console of choice is Xbox. Dave and I had an Xbox wedding cake and I bought Dave black Xbox controller cufflinks
I suffer from night terrors when my anxiety or depression are bad and when I am overly tired. I also talk in my sleep frequently

I’m Not Okay

Everything is such an effort right now. I am trying so hard to get out of this low. But it feels overwhelming.

I didn’t want to go the gym tonight. I don’t know if not going on Thursday played a part. I couldn’t relax today. My anxiety was constantly there in the background.

I did go the gym. I felt like I was going through the motions. There was no escaping from my head tonight. It didn’t help that the class was really busy. I couldn’t wait for the class to finish.

Talking to someone I trust is something that does tend to help. However, after I have reached out to someone I then feel stupid. I feel like I am a nuisance and that I bother others. As a result it’s rare for me to open up.

I want to socialise but I find it so daunting. I am trapped in a cycle of wanting to socialise but because I find it difficult I then feel incredibly isolated. Mental illness has robbed me of my sociable side. Nowadays, I need prior warning when it comes to seeing people. This gives me the time to prepare for it. After any social situation I then ruminate over everything that happened. It’s draining and puts me off seeing people.

It concerns me that I have little or no enjoyment in anything. I don’t see the point in doing things. The hopelessness and despair bring me to tears at unexpected times.

I am at my wits end with my anxiety and depression. One minute I am on an even keel, the next I am in the depths of a crippling low. I feel really unstable. I can be laughing about something and then feeling anxious or low for no reason. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Liebster Award #3

I have been nominated for the Liebster Award once again; this time by Lauren. Thanks Lauren! Here are her questions:

1. What’s your favourite thing about blogging?

My favourite thing about blogging is how it helps me cope with everything that goes on in my head.

2. Do you have any regrets in life?

I think we all have regrets. But if we never made mistakes we would never learn I suppose.

3. What are you most looking forward to at the moment?

Going to see Halestorm with Dave as part of my 30th birthday celebrations.

4. Have you ever cried with happiness, if so, when?

Yes when I got married.

5. What’s your favourite song?

Far too many to pick just one. It also depends on my mood. I love loads of rock and metal bands.

6. What are your bad habits?

Ruminating over things.

7. What is your favourite thing about yourself?

I am finding this really hard right now due to the low mood I am experiencing. I would probably say how much I care about my family and friends.

8. What do you think others would say your best quality is?

Possibly my sense of humour

9. Have you got any tattoos, if so, what and where?

Yes I have five. A swirly heart on the inside of my left wrist, a small music note on my left hip, the word ‘believe’ in Korean on my right hip, a graffiti style doodle on the bottom of my spine that has stars, skulls, dice etc in it and a blue and green jigsaw piece on my ribs.

10. Tell us something not many people know about you.

I was the first baby to be delivered by the midwife who delivered me.

Unraveling

I didn’t get the job I had the interview for. To say I am upset is an understatement. The job was a specialist behaviour advisor for an autism helpline. To be knocked back for this job has made me feel inadequate. Since I was 19 I have worked with those with autism. It is something I thought I was good at.

The feedback I got from the interview has not helped my self esteem. When I am anxious I do speak faster. I naturally talk fast as a result of being from Liverpool. I did say during my interview that I do speak fast when I am nervous. I was told that I speak too fast and this was a concern.

My anxiety can make social sociations difficult. I feel stupid and that I am being judged when I do speak to people when I am out and about. I now feel even more self concious about talking when I am out.

I was told my autism knowledge was at a high standard and this was shown through my answers to questions and during the written assessment. I was then told that my knowledge was ‘too child based’. All but one of the questions I was asked were specifically to do with children with autism!

Maybe I shouldn’t have applied for this job at all. I have felt constantly anxious since submitting the application. The build up to the interview had a huge impact on me. I wasn’t sleeping properly, struggling to relax and having stomach pain and headaches. I found travelling to London a nightmare. I don’t know what I would have done if Dave hadn’t offered to go. I was in a constant state of anxiety.

I was out with Walter when I received the phone call to say I was unsuccessful. I hadn’t been out long and I just wanted to go straight home. I went into shutdown mode and couldn’t wait until I was back in the house.

I was due to go the gym after taking Walter for his walk. I ended up cancelling the class I was supposed to be doing. I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone.

I am really trying to move past this whole thing but I am finding it difficult. If I can’t get a job that I am qualified to do then what the hell am I going to do? I have no energy or interest in doing anything today. I feel physically drained. I barely slept last night and Dave told me I was having night terrors. I have woke up with the same headache I went to bed with and sore face from how upset I was last night.

I am still waiting for my NHS CBT sessions to start. I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to leave the house incase I have to interact with people. I am planning on taking Walter for his walk later on today when the chances of this happening are low.

This whole thing has shown how fragile my mental state is. It is scary how fast I can unravel when faced with something difficult or challenging. The suicidal ideations are overwhelming. I don’t want to burden the few people that I am close to. I don’t know what to do. I am scared to be on my own but I don’t want to be around anyone either if that makes sense.

Up and Down

I have continued to be up and down throughout this week. I don’t know which is worse; knowing why you are feeling anxious or unexplained bouts of anxiety. I’ve felt on edge a lot this weekend which has been frustrating. Especially when I have had such a chilled out time and managed to catch up on sleep. I have talked with Dave about it. I wonder if I am anticipating something going wrong and that’s why I am anxious if that makes sense.

On Wednesday I have an interview for the job I applied for! I (well, my depression) convinced myself I wouldn’t be shortlisted. I have to travel to London for the interview. Dave has taken the day off work to come with me. I told him I would be ok but he insisted. He is so sweet. We are going to travel to London by train. My parents are going to have Walter for the day. I have sorted out all the documentation I need and what I will wear. It’s hard not to think about the interview. It is an amazing opportunity. All I can do is try my best.

Walter continues to do well at puppy class. We did a recall exercise yesterday. One of the trainers kept hold of Walter’s lead. Dave and I were asked to stand opposite Walter some distance away. We then had to call Walter’s name. Our little dude did amazingly. As soon as he heard us shout he ran as fast as his little legs could carry him. This week I am going to work on teaching him to turn.

Walter with his new teddy. We have to take a favourite toy of his to puppy class next week. I think this will be it!

The Starlight Blogger Award

Rebecca has nominated me for the Starlight Blogger Award. This award was created to help highlight and promote Inspirational Bloggers. Thank you so much for nominating me!

Rules:

Thank the person that nominated you and link back to their blog.

Answer the 3 questions that are given to you.

Pass the award on to 6 or more other bloggers of your choice and let them know that they have been nominated.

Include the logo of the award on your blog, please never alter the logo and never change the rules

Rebecca’s questions:

What keeps you inspired?

My family and friends, Dominic and the community here on WordPress inspire me. Music also inspires me.

Your favourite place to be?

I love chilling with Dave and Walter whether that is on the couch or out on a walk.

Any hobbies or sports that you’re passionate about?

I love the Les Mills classes I do at the gym (BodyCombat, BodyPump and BodyAttack). Exercising is a great escape for me. I am passionate about music and reading.

My questions:

If you could travel back to any period of time in history, when would you choose and why? (Currently watching Gladiator with Dave and I asked him this question :P)
Favourite Disney film?
Favourite chocolate bar?

Nominees!

Amber Keeps Breathing

Nicky’s Day with Autism