The battle within

My head is in a strange place at the moment. Each day is like a battle that I am fighting to get through.

This is the third day of feeling really low and highly anxious. I thought I was having what is a ‘normal’ low for me. But I am also experiencing higher levels of self loathing than normal. 

I struggle to sleep when I am like this. It is getting worse each night. No matter how tired I am, I don’t fall asleep for hours and I wake up frequently during the night. 

I am trying so much to get through this low. The gym isn’t always helping. I am on edge and anxious in classes. I tried pilates on Monday night after doing Bodyattack in the hope that it would help mentally. It was the worst thing I could have done; I spent the entire hour with thoughts in my head telling me how fat, useless and a burden I am. At least now I know not to do pilates when I am struggling…

Deep down, I know this will eventually pass. But it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. If anything, I have days when I am mentally well that I fear the days like this again…

Money can’t buy you happiness

As someone who works a handful of hours a week, I find it hard not to think about money and get stressed. I experience a lot of guilt about it. Dave works such long days and I barely work. 

Until this weekend, I never really appreciated that having loads of money doesn’t mean you are really happy. 

I have a wonderful group of friends that I met at the gym. I can’t express how grateful I am for them. They are my cheerleaders when I am struggling, massive amounts of fun to be around and bring out the best in me. 

As I have got to know my three gym friends, I have opened up to them individually about my struggles. Doing this has seen my other friends do the same. 

We have one guy in our group and he struggles massively with mental illness. He has a hugely complicated home life to contend with. He told me in a text message that he couldn’t do this anymore and was thinking of going to A&E as he felt like he was having a breakdown.

Dave and I went and picked him up on Saturday night and I dropped him back home today. He was in a bad way on Saturday night. But he has picked himself back up. I have told my friend that he can stay in our spare room whenever he needs to. 

My friend doesn’t have the luxury of a calm environment when things are too much for him. He gave up a high paid career in London 6 years ago when his Dad had a massive breakdown. His family all have their own issues and they all live under one roof. My friend doesn’t have a loving and supportive family that will always have his back. His family are quite the opposite. 

I am so glad that Dave and I were able to help a friend. My friend told me today that before Dave and I picked him up on Saturday, he was going through all the different ways he could kill himself. 

Although Dave and I might not be rich in terms of money, we are rich in so many other ways; love, family and friends but to name a few. 

Value the people in your life. We all have different struggles to face. You might not be able to be there with family or friends during particular struggles, but you can always be there for them to make those struggles easier to get through. 

Realities of anxiety

Oh anxiety. You love to lull me into a false sense of security. Then you pop up and make me feel miserable in the process. I don’t need you chipping away at me; telling me to stay in, not to go to things I have been invited to, making me compare myself to others and never feeling good enough. 

I experience anxiety every single day. I wish I didn’t, but anxiety is always going to be a part of my life. On a good day, I can ignore the anxiety and continue with every day things. But, there are days when it is so damn hard. Where it takes every ounce of my being to keep going. Anxiety and depression are a horrible combination. It feels like they fuel each other and that I am stuck in a vicious cycle; if I am highly anxious it has a negative impact on my mood and vice versa. 

I have got a lovely group of friends that I met at the gym. They are caring, supportive and so much fun to be around. I feel that they are too good to be my friends. Every time I open up I experience guilt and fear that I am pushing them away. 

It would be nice to be able to accept an invitation to a social event without experiencing anxiety. I would love to not feel paranoid and anxious whenever I am in the gym, walking Walter or anywhere else in public. But it isn’t realistic to expect these things. My anxiety is a part of me. It’s just hard to accept at times. 

Happily proven wrong

If you read my last post, I was struggling. I was utterly convinced that Christmas and everything associated with it would be terrible. 

I was proved wrong. 

Dave and I rushed round like headless chickens wrapping Christmas presents, packing our things to stay at my parents and making sure we had everything we would or might need for Walter. 

Dave drove us to his parents on Christmas Eve morning. The nearer we got there, the more anxious I felt. 

It turns out my nieces think Auntie Gemma is awesome. The day was spent playing duplo and playmobile and decorating a gingerbread house with my 3 year old niece and chasing after my one year old niece who has mastered the art of walking. I don’t really know my nieces. Dave and I haven’t had the chance to spend much time with them as they live hundreds of miles away. It was nice spending time with them. 

Christmas Day was spent with my family. It was a really relaxing day. Dave completely surprised me by giving me an Xbox One! 

Dave and I managed to sort out loads in our new house over the Christmas break. It feels so much more homely. We spent time with some friends and went on a big dog walk with my friends from the gym. 

Tomorrow Dave is back at work. It has been lovely having him home. We have lots of things planned for the house and the future. 

So here’s to 2017. Hope it’s a good one for all of you. 

Everything seems grey

It feels like all the colour around me has zapped away. Like I am in a strange haze. This time of year is always difficult for me. I am struggling to get enough quality sleep. I have been on the verge of crying all day and I don’t know why. 

It probably didn’t help that when I went to Aldi it was stupidly busy. I went at 6.30pm when it is normally really quiet. I could feel my anxiety building the longer I spent in the shop. 

We still have loads of sorting to do at our new house which isn’t helping my mood. Could do without Christmas so we could blitz it really…

A strange trigger

Since the house move, I had been coping (at least I thought I had) with the upset with handing my notice in. A friend messaged me as she found out about it through another friend. They are both aware of my anxiety and depression. My friends had talked about the issue I had to deal with in regards to work. 

A friend asking if I am ok has made my mood drop significantly lower. How messed up is that?! Mental illness is such a strange thing. 

Deep down, I know I did the right thing. But I guess I am still processing the whole thing. I have been doing an accredited online dog walking course which, so far, I am enjoying. A fresh start is always good. 

I talked with my lovely friend on here Vicky about how I was feeling. She is such a good person and gives great advice and support. Last night I looked after my friend’s two little girls while she was at college. They always make me smile and laugh. So all of this has helped. 

I’m chilling with two good friends later on today. Tomorrow Dave, Walter and I are up to Vicky’s to have a Christmas get together. Spending time with some of my favourite people is always good. Even when I don’t feel at my best. 

Home Sweet Home

Today marks 8 days in our new home. Although we still have a lot more unpacking and sorting to do, I love our house. 

The lead up to the move was inevitably stressful. On the day itself, I felt I was running on adrenaline. I wasn’t sleeping properly during the days leading up to the move. Thankfully, my family were amazingly helpful. I was so exhausted by the time Dave and I had a proper sit down. 

Unfortunately, Dave’s parents came to visit us the day after we moved in. I have no idea why they thought it was a good idea to come less than 24 hours after we moved in. But it sums up Dave’s Mum. We were so tired and Walter was out of sorts in his new house. I was glad when she finally left. I felt I could finally start to relax. She is officially the most negative and draining person I know.

I am officially not taking the pill anymore. I feel like a proper grown up now what with my own house and trying for a baby.