Fed Up

For weeks I haven’t felt 100% well. I have always experienced periods of time when I do not sleep properly. Initially, I thought it was just down to this. I struggle if I do not get enough quality sleep. I eventually feel run down. But this is different. 

Regardless of how much sleep I get, I always wake up feeling completely unrefreshes. It takes me ages to feel like I have woken up. I experience what can only be described as periods of complete exhaustion throughout the day. All I want to do is sleep. I have no energy, I have an on and off sore throat, headaches and earache. My body temperature cannot regulate itself properly. I sweat a lot of the time and not always from doing something strenuous. I can sweat profusely from getting dressed. 

I probably sound like a hypochondriac. But I am really worried that something is seriously wrong. I struggle to complete a gym class because of all of this. I couldn’t even go to the shops after Bodypump last night. 

I am not sure if I have ever mentioned this but my sister has M.E. (also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). In a nutshell, she struggles on a daily basis because of it. Her M.E. was triggered by a bout of Glandular Fever. My symptoms sound similar to what she experiences.

It probably doesn’t help that I have anxiety and depression. My mood is taking a noticeable dip and my anxiety is creeping in to more aspects of my life again. I phoned my doctors and the earliest appointment they could give me is a week on Tuesday. 

I know I shouldn’t be going on when my Grandad is so unwell. The chemotherapy hasn’t worked and that is not an option anymore. He is waiting to find out when he can have radiotherapy. Each time I see him he looks even worse. 

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Honesty and Illness

I decided to let myself calm down before addressing the situation with Samantha. A week after she sent me the baby photo, she messaged me to ask if I was ok and if I had upset her. 

So you know what I did? I told her that I wasn’t ok and she had upset me. Previously, I would have reacted in an angry manner to a situation similar to this. But, I was honest without being hurtful or rude. This resulted in Samantha apologising and making an effort with me. 

I’m proud that I dealt with this situation in such a positive way. I saw Samantha yesterday and actually enjoyed spending time with her. 

Walter has been unwell. At first, Dave and I put it down to the heat that we had. But on the second day of his lethargy, not wanting to do anything but sleep we became more worried. Firstly, all he did was cuddle next to Dom when he came round on Wednesday. There was no excited Walter who couldn’t wait to greet Dom. Then on Thursday we had the same again when I brought Bella home from work with me (Faith has gone away with her family for a week so we are looking after her) Walter was the same; not bothered in the slightest about seeing Bella but with the worst runny poo we had ever seen. When the runny poo had blood in it we knew Walter needed to see a vet. 

At this point it was evening, so our vet was closed. We ended up going to see an emergency vet. It was a good job we went the vets when we did. Walter’s temperature was high and he was dehydrated. As he hadn’t been sick the vet didn’t feel Walter needed to stay in to be put on fluids. This was a huge relief. Walter was given an antibiotic injection and we were told he needed to see a vet again in the morning. 

Luckily, Walter’s temperature was down on Friday morning by the time Dave took him the vets. He is on antibiotics for the next few days and we have been told to give him food such as rice, chicken and scrambled eggs. 

Walter is back to his usual lovely, happy, playful self. He is thoroughly enjoying getting to have rice, chicken and scrambled eggs. So much so, he licks his food bowl clean!

My grandad is really unwell. He has had his first lot of chemotherapy and ended up having bad side effects to it. At the moment he is in hospital. They think he has a bleed in his stomach and he is really dehydrated. He is unable to keep food down so is on anti sickness medication via a drip. It’s hard to be positive about my grandad when he seems to be getting worse 😦

Letting Go

I struggle massively with moving on from bad experiences. It’s like my brain can’t process what has happened. 

I decided to post about this as a ‘friend’ (we will call her Samantha) has upset me this week. In January 2015 I stopped speaking to a friend (we will call her Sandra) due to her unreasonable behaviour. At this time, I was trying to deal with severe anxiety and depression. This friend made me feel bad for being ill and bullied me into coming round to my house. 

On Wednesday Samantha sent me a photo of a baby. No explanation, no message with it at all. After me responding with just a ? she said that this was Sandra’s baby. 

Why would Samantha think I would want to see this photo? I have not spoken to Sandra in 18 months. In all honesty, I felt that it was a really nasty thing to do. Samantha knows that I have been struggling recently with my mental health and that my Grandad has cancer. I really don’t need this kind of nonsense. She only got in touch to send the photo as she didn’t have the decency to say Hi or How are you?

Thinking about it, Samantha brings up Sandra in conversation frequently. During CBT, I actually brought up Samantha. I find her draining and can only spend time with her in small doses. She is in her mid 30s with a young son but is extremely immature. She revels in drama and her ‘best friend’ changes frequently. I feel that she only wants to spend time with me when she wants to offload or if her other friends are busy or doing her head in. 

I am still furious about the whole thing. I came off Facebook to avoid negative situations such as this. 

If anyone has any tips, strategies or advice on me dealing with this please let me know. Depression and anxiety make me over analyse everything. My mood has been noticeably lower for two days now. I don’t want to experience a massive dip again. 

The black clouds have lifted

On Tuesday I managed to go back to the gym. I did bodycombat and bodypump. It was noticeable that I had a break from the gym. But even going to the gym was an achievement in itself. I was really sore for a good few days this week. 

I also managed to do a proper food shop. When my anxiety and depression are bad, I tend to eat whatever I can grab. I bought some veg, fruit and generally healthy food. I managed to start cooking healthy, filling meals too. 

Last weekend I couldn’t even face leaving the house at all. Today, I was able to take Walter for a walk with Dave. Tomorrow afternoon we are going round to our friend’s house. 

When depression rears its ugly head it robs me of all interest in anything. It’s like the world is bleak and grey.  Through this recent low, I had support from Dave and two awesome friends. They kept checking up on me, reassuring me and letting me know that they were there for me. I am so appreciative for them being there for me.