The Premio Dardos Award is given in recognition of cultural, ethical, literary and personal values in the form of creative and original writing.
The rules are as follows:
Thank you so much to The Rabbit Hole for nominating me for this (months ago!)
My nominations:
Walter has had a lovely day. My brother came round this afternoon and Walter was delighted. We took Walter to get some treats from where he went for his puppy classes. One of the trainers from his classes served us in the shop. She loved seeing Walter and could see for herself how much he had come on.
This was Walter’s pupcake he had after his big walk.
We then took Walter for a big walk at one of his favourite places. He saw lots of other dogs including another dachshund called Frank.
Faith wrote Walter a birthday card so I sent her a photo of Walter with it. I love the photo I managed to get.
Needless to say, Walter is now completely worn out after his fun filled day. He is currently fast asleep on the couch.
Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling not right. My throat was sore, I had a headache and earache and I was so drained. Today I woke up feeling even worse. My throat feels so scratchy and raw and my earache is unbearable at times. I have white spots on the back of my throat too. I didn’t want to just sit in when we had plans today. But I have probably done far too much today.
So I plan on resting as much as I can this week. It’s Dave’s birthday at the weekend and we are planning to go the zoo on Friday. As much as I love the gym, a dog walk today has left me feeling awful. So I won’t be going the gym this week
Emotionally and mentally, I have still struggled at times this week. Nothing in particular has been playing on my mind, but the feeling of uneasiness has lingered. I have CBT again tomorrow. I haven’t even attempted the task I was set. But I plan on telling my therapist that things haven’t been great.
Happy Birthday to my amazing Walter. This little dude keeps me going when I am struggling and has made my life so much better.
Have you ever felt lonely even when you are with other people? I am sat with my Mum and sister and have Walter asleep next to me. Yet I feel incredibly lonely.
I have spent another day wearing a mask that appears to show others that I am fine. Depression makes me feel like a fraud for having to be like this. But what can anyone do to stop me feeling like this? It is easier for everyone else if it seems that all is well with me.
It is worrying that I am looking forward to the time on my own driving home from my parents later.
The past few days has seen the unwelcome arrival of depression. It is a struggle to explain it so I apologise if this post is just me wittering on incoherently.
Last night, I noticed that my mood had dipped. I have felt on the verge of tears a number of times. My concentration levels are noticeably lower too. I have experienced some pretty dark thoughts at times.
As I have mentioned previously, this week it is the school holidays over here. So instead of working early mornings and evenings, I have been working during the day. Dom and Faith have been fab this week. I think they have both benefitted from the time off school to recharge their batteries so to speak. But I think the change in routine has thrown me. I have experienced anxiety about going the gym which has been unpleasant to say the least. I haven’t had as much ‘me’ time which I think is playing a part.
I am getting my haircut and spending time with my family over the weekend. In all honesty, I wish I hadn’t made any plans. It would be easier to just stay in. But I refuse to let my depression dictate my life.
Fingers crossed that this is just a blip….
It was lovely to see my family on Saturday. My Mum, Dave and I took Walter to the park near my parents house in the afternoon. Although it was cold, we had a nice time. In the evening, we went to a favourite Indian restaurant of ours. It was delicious!
My anxiety levels continue to be low and my mood has been ok. The focus during my CBT sessions is now on how I perceive myself. Incase I haven’t mentioned, I don’t like myself. This impacts on how I react in social situations. I regularly feel paranoid and continously analyse myself when out. I don’t like the way I look, I regularly engage in negative self talk, I am convinced that people don’t like me and I worry that I have made a fool of myself in social situations.
Addressing these issues is proving more challenging than I thought it would. It is really pushing me outside my comfort zone. Due to my work commitments and my therapist having time off, I don’t have another CBT session until the end of the month. I have some work to be doing around the issues mentioned. I don’t feel confident in working on this without my therapist’s input. She has said to get in touch if I need to but I don’t feel confident enough to.
On Tuesday, my latest blog post was posted on Defying Shadows. You can check it out here. I have another one due to be posted early next week that I am currently working on.
A group of us from my gym are going to be doing an obstacle course challenge called Rough Runner in October. It looks like a right laugh. My gym instructor friend is going to do it with us, so I am going to ask her about the best way to train for it. I am also going to start being more strict with my diet too.
As much as I love working with Faith, I do not love the early get ups. Next week she is off school as it’s half term, which means a week when I can get a few extra hours sleep 🙂 It will be strange though, as I will be going the gym in the evening instead of the day. But it does give me the chance to try the latest Bodyattack release.
Today in the UK is Time to Talk. I can remember posting on this day last year when I was in a much different place. Back then, I struggled to accept that I have anxiety and depression.
The lovely Lusuna posted some questions and answers about her own mental health. I thought this would be a great idea to do as well. There is still a huge stigma surrounding mental health. It stops people seeking help and opening up to their loved ones about their struggles.
1. Have you ever been diagnosed as suffering from a mental illness? If so, which one(s) (if what you suffered from can be labelled – mental illness tends to work on a spectrum – feel free to simply note symptoms)? If not, do you suspect you may have suffered from one?
I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
2. Do you have any friends or family who have suffered from a diagnosed mental illness? Please don’t give their details (it’s up to them whether they wish to share), but, if so, which illness(es)?
Not sure if they have been diagnosed but, I suspect some people I know have suffered with anxiety and depression
3. Have you ever experienced anxiety?
Yes. Up until recently, I experienced quite high anxiety every day. It made me avoid a lot of situations.
4. Have you ever felt depressed? Feel free to elaborate.
Yes. My mood can plummet to an extreme low. When I feel like this, I go into shutdown mode. This means that I have no inclination to do anything. I tend to lie in the fetal position. I experience suicidal thoughts when my depression is bad.
5. Have you ever suffered from stress?
I haven’t been diagnosed with stress but I feel that I have experienced stress. I was stressed when studying for my GCSEs, A-Levels and degree. I have also been stressed when I was bullied in work and when working in a stressful job.
What would you say to a friend who was suffering from some form of mental discomfort or illness?
Surround yourself with reliable and supportive people. Feel free to get in touch with me whenever you want to talk. If you need your own space then I totally understand. Make sure to see your GP and access any relevant support services. Be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes. Things can get better
Have you ever been treated differently because of your mental illness?
Yes by those in the medical profession and by so called ‘friends’
Has your mental illness ever stopped you from doing or achieving something that would have been attainable if you weren’t mentally ill?
Anxiety and depression meant that I had to give up work for around 9 months. This has lead to a delay in my husband and I saving up for a mortgage for our own house. I have stopped going to see bands live because it triggers my anxiety.
This morning my first post was uploaded to Defying Shadows. You can read it here. It wasn’t an easy topic to write about, but I am glad that I did.
My CBT sessions are going well. I have been keeping a diary of my days with a rating system for each activity and the pleasure I get from it. This has been useful in identifying situations that can trigger my anxiety. Last week I was asked to also make a note of when I feel anxious, what made me feel anxious and to rate it out of 10. It was interesting to see that most of my anxieties stem from future worries. I tend to feel anxious about things happening in the future, whether it is going the gym or spending time with friend.
So this week’s challenge is to set aside an hour each day to worry. Instead of worrying throughout the day, I need to use one of my many distraction techniques if I start to feel anxious and worry about the issue during my set worry time for that day.
I was highly skeptical of doing this. It was safe to say that I was anxious about doing it. But so far, my anxiety has been noticeably decreased!
Not much else to update on really. The past two Saturdays Dave and I have spent time with friends, which has been nice. We are going out for an Indian with my family this upcoming Saturday. I am looking forward to it as we haven’t seen them for a few weeks.
Lost to the Dark 