Still moving forward

Yesterday I had an appointment with the crisis team. It went well. Dave came with me to help avoid any further upset since my assessment appointment was a dreadful experience. 

I expressed my reluctance to change my medication and that I overall felt more stable as a result of reducing my dosage of citalopram. My appointment was with the woman who carried out my assessment. She really needs to learn to not talk over me. It’s incredibly difficult to speak so openly and candidly about how I feel emotionally and mentally. It makes it ten times worse when you have a supposed medical professional repeatedly talking over you. 

The plan now is for me to do some work around my anxiety. Thankfully this will be with a different member of staff within the crisis team. At the moment there is a two – three week waiting list. After this work, I will be fast tracked back into the system to restart CBT. 

Work has been good. I have been going back to sleep for an hour or two when I get home from helping little miss get ready for school. This has helped massively. Yesterday evening little miss met Walter. She absolutely loves him! This morning little miss got upset. She wanted me to be working again tonight. In a short space of time she seems to be responding really well to me. 

I have Dom later which I am looking forward to. He loves taking Walter for a walk so I am hoping we will get to take him to the woods near where I live. He turns 13 in a few weeks and is extremely excited about it. 

A drop in mood

My mood has dropped. I’ve noticed that it has declined gradually since last night. Originally I thought that it was from being tired. But I managed to sleep well (for me) last night and I am still struggling. 

We took Walter to a country park near where we live earlier. Dave commented that I was quiet. I feel really irritable at the moment. Little things are really getting to me. 

Fit 4 5ive went well yesterday. I really enjoyed myself. The cakes and coffee afterwards was a great opportunity for me to have a chat with people I see on a regular basis. 

I’m just feeling really disheartened with the dip in my mood. But I also need to accept that this is part of living with depression and anxiety. I am going to chill out for the rest of the day with some films. 

On a completely random note, I am now on instagram. Feel free to follow me @originalgemskibob. If you do follow me can you comment on this post or on my instagram saying who you are. I have had loads of spam requests already. 

Enjoying life

Things are still going well. I am really enjoying working with little miss. Even when she is being cheeky. We have a right giggle and the time flies by. I am working more with her next week and I am looking forward to it. 

I’ve spent more time with my family recently. It has been great. My Dad and I took Walter to the park on Tuesday. Nosy Walter was going up to each and every dog we walked past. I also got my hair cut. 

  
It is getting shorter each time it gets cut. I love it. Although the left side of my head feels unusually lighter haha!

I decided that I wasn’t comfortable switching to Sertraline. I have continued to take the lower 20mg dose of Citalopram. I am managing well on it. I don’t think it is worth the potential risks that come with switching medication. I feel stable and I’m not overwhelmed with anxiety or low moods. I have an appointment with the crisis team on Tuesday afternoon so they can see how I’m doing. I plan on telling them all this. 

Tomorrow morning I am doing another Fit 4 5ive event at the gym. This time we are raising money for cancer research. 

  
I was full of apprehension before the last Fit 4 5ive in January. I’m really looking forward to tomorrow. Even though I am tired from the early get ups for work the past two days. 

My philosophy is still to take each day at a time. It is just nice to actually be enjoying life at the moment. I have little miss again later when she gets home from school. We are going to be making cakes with her mum if she has been good at school 🙂

Sense of achievement

Yesterday went really well. So much so that I ended up working again this morning. I am also working later on when the little miss gets home from school. 

It’s always a worry if you will get on with a child you’ll be supporting, especially when it’s a child with special needs. But little miss is fab. She tried to see how much she could get away with but it was nothing I couldn’t deal with. Today she got ready for school much quicker than yesterday. 

I am really tired from the early get ups. I am up for 5.50am as little miss has to be ready for 7.45am for the bus to pick her up for school. But once I get to little miss’s house the time flies by. 

I haven’t felt anxious or low in a few days. I am continuing on the lower 20mg dosage of Citalopram. Tomorrow morning I’m going to the gym. Dave and I are taking Walter out for the afternoon. On Sunday we are going to my parents for tea. 

I am so glad I took a chance with this job. It is really helping me feel a sense of achievement. I am not naive to think that my anxiety and depression are magically cured. But it does feel great that right now it doesn’t have so much of a hold on me. 

A new opportunity

Thank you for all the supportive comments on my last post. I didn’t know how to respond to them. But I hope you know that they were a comfort to me during last weekend. 

It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster since my disastrous assessment on Friday.

It took me until about Sunday to fully move forward from the assessment. Friday evening I had to take it five minutes at a time. I was worn out but had to take a sleeping tablet. 

I was still in such a bad state on Saturday. So much so that I couldn’t face the gym. I didn’t have the strength to exercise or to face people. Dave had to make me go with him to take Walter for a walk. I’m so glad he did. It helped me to begin to clear my head. 

On Sunday I suggested that we take Walter for a big walk. I felt much more able to face the world. Walter loved meeting lots of new dogs. A group of young children were fascinated with him and I managed to get him to do a few of his tricks much to their delight. 

On Sunday evening I received a text that boosted my mood. At Dom’s mum’s wedding, there was a 13 year old girl there with Down’s Syndrome. I spoke to her during the day and also danced with her during the evening. Her mum had mentioned how she would love to have me working with her daughter. 

I decided to bite the bullet and text Dom’s mum expressing my interest in supporting this girl. On Sunday evening her Mum text me to see if I was still interested. My head was trying to tell me to make up an excuse, that I wasn’t up to this, that I would be rubbish. But I ignored these thoughts. 

So tomorrow I am working with this girl! I spoke to her Mum earlier on and I am actually looking forward to it now. I will be helping this girl get ready first thing in the morning to get ready for school. I will also be supporting her for a few hours after school. From speaking to the girl’s mum, she sounds like a right character. 

It’s funny how certain events can help change your mood for the better. I really hope working with this girl will help me as much as her. This could be a great opportunity for me. It could help aid my recovery. 

I am in the process of switching my medication. I have lowered my dosage of Citralopram from 40mg to 20mg. Next week I will be taking 50mg of Sertraline each morning. I do have my doubts whether this is the right thing to do. But I am willing to at least try in order to stabilise my mood. 

Waste of time

I had the worst experience possible in regards to the assessment with the crisis team. I didn’t realise that I could feel worse. But that is now the case. 

I told the woman who assessed me everything. I didn’t hold back anything. I cried and I couldn’t stop. Her response? We will change your medication, leave you for about 2 – 3 weeks and then see how you get on. At this point I lost the plot. 

I had been told earlier on that being under the crisis team would mean my CBT would cease until I was more stable. I understood that. It was of no benefit to me when I couldn’t function on a basic level. I asked what support I would get while adjusting to the new medication….nothing! I was told they would ‘wait and see’ how I reacted and then re refer me for CBT. 

The thought of this alone terrified me. The worse part was that I was not told how to switch over to my new medication or any side effects. Dave waited for me in the waiting area and saw how bad I was. The woman tried to give me the prescription with no explanation in the waiting room. I told her I was not happy that this was being done in the waiting room. Dave then went to speak to the woman himself. 

I was left on my own in the waiting room in floods of tears. About a dozen members of staff went past me. Not one of them checked if I was ok. 

I wish I hadn’t gone to this assessment. I am in an extremely dark place. I was in hysterics for ages begging Dave to let me die as I couldn’t go on like this. I really want to hurt myself to stop feeling like this. The thought of suicide is more tempting than ever. 

Dave is now too scared to leave me on my own. He is going to accompany me to all medical appointments from now on. 

If anyone has any suggestions or ideas of where I go from here please comment on this post. I don’t have a decent GP at my local surgery and I feel that no medical professional is taking me seriously. I was told by the woman assessing me to try and think more positively. If it was that simple I wouldn’t be so ill was my response. 

Restless

It’s 6.50am. I have been awake since 5.40am after another restless night. I went to bed exhausted after two classes at the gym. Yet I am still not able to sleep all night without sleeping tablets. 

After the gym last night, my friend asked if I was ok. I told her I wasn’t. I went on to tell her about the assessment, the suicidal thoughts and just the general struggles I am going through. It was probably the first time I have ever said some things out loud; how I would rather be dead then feel like this, that I am just a burden to others and how scared and worried I am. I was on the verge of tears and so was my friend. That was not my intention. She said she would care if I killed myself and that it would have a huge impact on her. I said that she’d get over it and move on. She told me that I am important to her. 

My friend said to message her about how the assessment goes. She said I can talk to her whenever I want. The gym has a booking system for classes. My friend told me that she checks if I am booked on for classes. She thought I had been struggling and knew I would talk to her when I was ready. I thought I was good at putting a mask on when I was struggling. Or my friend knows me too well. She has suggested meeting up for coffee with her and her Mum. Her Dad struggled for years with depression and he has made a recovery. She said it is totally up to me. His depression sounded as bad as mine; he would frequently say he wanted to throw himself under a bus. 

Apathetic

Thank you to all the supportive comments on my last post. They really helped. Dave is going to come with me to the assessment on Friday. He is going to wait outside so that I can speak freely and honestly. 

I did a Bodycombat class earlier. I really didn’t want to. For starters, my stomach was really hurting which is a sure sign that my anxiety is high. I am still not sleeping properly which doesn’t help at all. 

On Saturday I pulled some muscles in my chest. The pain was nothing I have ever experienced. Anything I did resulted in sharp pains in my chest – eating, lying down, picking Walter up. I ended up taking a co-codamol at night as however I lay in bed I was in agony. It eased up a lot when I got up on Sunday. I thought it was best to skip the gym on Monday night. But as usual I felt guilty for not coming. Looking back, I wonder if my anxiety was making my chest pains worse. 

Dave and I took Walter for a walk to somewhere we have never taken him before on Saturday. I felt on edge most of the time. On Sunday I felt totally apathetic. I could have just stayed lying on the couch staring at the ceiling. Dave didn’t give me much choice and we took Walter for a quick walk. 

I spoke to my therapist on Monday during my CBT about the mental health assessment. She could see how much I was struggling. I was on the verge of tears during the entire session. She thinks that my medication will be changed and that I might be under the home team. My therapist has referred me to a charity that can help with volunteering and vocational qualifications who have mental health issues. I think this would really help me. 

Scared and worried

My mental health assessment is going to be on Friday. I received a letter today. I need to phone them on Monday to confirm a time. 

So my question is, should I get Dave to come along with me? He has offered to so that he can be there to support me. I am unsure. Part of me would be grateful. Another part of me is concerned I won’t be totally honest if Dave is there. He knows that I feel suicidal but is unaware of how bad it can be. I have a massive fear that I will be sectioned under the Mental Health Act as a result of opening up about my suicidal ideations. 

If anyone has had a mental health assessment, I would really appreciate it if you could let me know what to expect. 

I am exhausted today. I spent the morning in the gym after another shit night’s sleep. I think I am going to take a sleeping tablet tonight. A proper night’s sleep might improve my mood. Dave and I took Walter for a walk earlier this afternoon. I felt anxious at times and I couldn’t pinpoint why. 

I’ve not got any other plans this weekend which is probably a good thing. It has been all go recently with Emma being here so I could do with time to chill out. I have a CBT session on Monday afternoon. My last session was a few weeks ago due to the Bank Holiday and Emma being here. 

GP Appointment

I would like to thank the GP I saw this morning for helping to contribute to my already overwhelmingly low sense of worth. 

It is hard to open up to yet another new GP; to have to tell my story for the umpteenth time. I woke up exhausted and couldn’t face eating. The GP asked if I work when I explained I had come in as I have anxiety and depression. I explained about providing respite for Dom. He then asked what I do in my spare time. I said about going the gym. I was told that working would be a good idea. The way the GP said it made me feel pathetic, like I am bringing my anxiety and depression on myself. I didn’t see the point in explaining about Walter as I felt so shitty. 

I talked about the recurrent suicidal ideations. He said there was no point changing my medication. I am being referred to the crisis team which was probably one of the only positives of my appointment. I also have some sleeping tablets as I am struggling big time to sleep. I should hear from them within a week. The GP didn’t even ask me when I should come back in for another appointment. 

Dave phoned me after my appointment. He told me to focus on the positives and that it is a step in the right direction. I am hoping that an assessment with the crisis team will be useful. Part of me is embarassed that it has got to this point. 

It annoyed me that I was made to feel useless as I am not really working. The GP said that I need to keep distracted. So work is the only thing that can provide this distraction? I do want some form of job. But when I can’t function at a basic level most days, working is the least of my worries.