My husband

I have mentioned in earlier posts that I am married. I thought I would do an entire post about my husband.

Dave and I met on a night out in a rock club in April 2004. At the time I was 19 and a few months off turning 20. Dave had not long turned 18. I was having an awful night. I was out with two couples and felt like the fifth wheel. I had gone off on my own and was sat down near the dance floor. Dave wasn’t exactly subtle as he was incredibly drunk (something I found out after we became a couple). I remember him looking over at me a number of times. He then sat down next to me and said, “what’s a girl like you doing sat on her own?” I still tease him about this but Dave likes to counter with that I actually fell for this line. He even mentioned it in his speech at our wedding. I found out when we dating that Dave and his friends were just about to leave the rock club but ‘Chop Suey’ by System of a Down came on just as they were by the exit. Dave loves this song and came back into the club. That was when he spotted me. 

I am not going to lie and say that Dave and I have always had a wonderful relationship. We have split up twice earlier on in our relationship. But after the second split we were both determined to make it work. I actually think the difficult times have made us stronger as a couple. 

Dave has come out of his shell a lot since meeting me. He was unbelievably quiet when we first met. Dave is incredibly laid back and this has had a positive influence on me. He is a calm, rational person and I couldn’t be more of the opposite. 

Dave and I share a love of rock and metal music, tv shows, films and gaming. We love nothing better then catching up on one of a variety of favourite tv shows (Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead to name but a few), watching a film or playing xbox together. 

I am so proud to call Dave my husband. He is considerate, kind, thoughtful and caring. I am so lucky to have someone who understands me and I can always be myself around. Dave keeps me going when my depression and anxiety are bad. He supports me 100% and is always encouraging. Dave makes me want to be the best person possible.

The reason I decided to do a blog about Dave is because I can only imagine how hard it is for him sometimes. As much as I don’t want it to, my depression and anxiety will have an impact on our relationship. But Dave still treats me the same. He will take the piss out of me if I am being a bitch or tell me how proud he is of me when I need encouragement. 

I am so grateful that my husband is also my best friend. He is the one person I can totally trust and talk to about anything. 

My story so far…

It would probably come as a shock to a lot of my friends that I have depression and anxiety. It was only after being told this in December by my GP that particular times of my life now make sense. 

Other people see me as outgoing, confident, self assured and sociable. But on and off since I was a teenager I have struggled to keep up this front. I was bullied in primary and secondary school. As a result, I was quiet and kept myself to myself, hating to be the centre of attention. 

When I started university I met like minded people who shared similar interests to me. I came out of my shell during university. It was like I found myself. I was training to be a primary teacher. My first year placement was amazing. The school were supportive and I really felt I was meant to be a teacher. My second year placement was awful. The school I ended up in was a last minute change. They clearly didn’t want me there. Luckily, a friend was also on placement there. We were told on our first day that we were not allowed to go in the staff room. I was miserable during the entire placement. A friend who was also on my course managed to convince me to stick the placement out. My final year placement was a complete nightmare. I had a child with behavioural problems in the class I was in. I had no experience of this. The class teacher was the SENCO. I asked her for help in how to deal with this child. I was spending hours every night planning and sorting my lessons only for this child to totally disrupt my lessons. I was told to get on with it. 

Looking back, I had a breakdown of sorts during this time. I would cry for hours on end, would hardly eat and had trouble sleeping. I ended up dropping teaching. 

After graduating from university, I continued working as a playleader for disabled children which I did throughout university, until I got a job as a teaching assistant in an autistic school. I ended up working there for 4 years. I got a great deal from this job. I then got a job for an outreach service offering advice for autistic children in mainstream schools. Initially, I loved this job. It was extremely rewarding and I developed even further professionally. I even did autism awareness training for 60 police officers after being recommended by a police officer at a high school I frequently went into. However, the team manager was not strong minded.  When a certain member of our team found out that myself and a colleague I done this training she went out of her way to undermine me – turning up to meetings when she hadn’t been invited, telling me last minute I would be delivering training to making comments about me in the office. I went into my manager’s office really upset. I was at breaking point. I got really upset and said that I felt that I was being bullied. She did nothing. I managed to get a doctors appointment for after work. Initially, I was signed off work with stress for two weeks. I ended up signed off work for 3 months with anxiety disorder, taking antidepressants and seeing a counsellor. 

I stayed in this job until August 2014. I started my new job in an independent autistic in September 2014. My friend told me about this job and as it was around 35 miles away from where I live she said I could stay at her house. I couldn’t wait to leave the job I was bullied in. I shouldn’t have taken it. It was extremely stressful and I was exhausted. I would regularly spend my Sundays in tears dreading the week ahead. 

On top of all this, my husband and I got married in October 2014! I think that wedding planning was a distraction from my fragile mental state. My husband and I had an amazing wedding day and minimoon. By November I was physically ill. I had a really bad chest infection, something I haven’t had since loosing all the weight. I was on antibiotics and steroids for weeks and was signed off work. I became really depressed. I didn’t leave the house for days at a time and even getting out of bed in the morning was a battle. At the beginning of December 2014 I broke down in front of my GP and told him everything. I was then diagnosed with moderate depression and anxiety. I made the decision after talking to my husband and family that I couldn’t go back to work. 

I am now in the process of recovering. I don’t know what the future holds for me and that scares me. Depression and anxiety have robbed me of any confidence and self belief I have. I feel like a failure as a person. I experience huge amounts of guilt for not working and for being like this. I feel like a burden and often have suicidal thoughts. I genuinely feel that my family and friends would be better off without me. I find it hard to see how I will recover from all of this. But I am really trying not to let depression and anxiety have such a control over my life. I feel that when I was signed off work in my old job I never got to the root of my issues. Hopefully, without the pressure of work I can get some clarity and perspective which will help my recovery. I am tired of being like this. I don’t want to feel sick at the thought of leaving my house. I want to be able to have a decent night’s sleep. I don’t want to feel the utter despair I feel pretty much all the time. 

I want to be the best I can possibly be. I won’t let depression and anxiety beat me.

Ups and downs

I know that the best thing for me to do is keep busy. It’s hard to want do things when my depression and anxiety have kicked in. I didn’t let depression or anxiety change my plans that my husband and I made at the weekend. There were times I was close to having a panic attack, completely on edge or crying my eyes out. 

On Saturday after the gym I waited round until everyone else had left so I could talk to my gym trainer friend. We had a really frank and open conversation about how I have been. It’s the first time I have ever talked so open about my depression and anxiety to anyone else beside my husband. 

I decided to message my friend later on and suggest meeting up. This is a big deal for me. My depression and anxiety would like nothing better then for me to sit in the house. To hide away from the world. My depression and anxiety tell me that I am worthless. Why would anyone want to spend time with me? Maybe it was all the endorphins running through my body that gave me the courage to do something I was scared of doing. I suggested to my friend about going starbucks or for lunch if she had enough free time. I went on to say that I am determined to recover and keeping busy will help. My friend replied that she was actually going to suggest doing something if I was up to it. Next Thursday we are going to go for lunch 🙂 I was waiting for my friend to ignore my message or not suggest a day so soon. Initially, she suggested meeting up over half term. But, when she realised it was a good few weeks away she suggested next Thursday. 

I saw my GP this afternoon. I was very honest about things – I struggle to sleep, everything is such an effort, I am extremely tearful etc. He is a really good GP and I feel I can be totally honest without being judged. He suggested changing my antidepressant. He said that after around 6 weeks of being on Mirtazapine I should have noticed a difference. He went on to say that I seemed the same as when I went to see him at the beginning of December, when I started back on Mirtazapine. I am going to be coming off Mirtazapine and starting Citalopram. My GP has warned me that my anxiety might increase while my body gets used to Citalopram. I am terrified. But I am hoping that Citalopram will have a positive impact on me in the long run. I also got my GP to look at my knees. My gym trainer friend looked at them and she thinks it is ligaments/muscles that support the knees need strengthening. She said to get my knees checked out to confirm this so then she can show some leg strengthening exercises. My GP agreed with my friend so on Thursday I am going to get the gym a bit earlier before classes start so that she can show me the exercises. 

A step in the right direction

For the first time in I don’t know how long, I have felt like the dark cloud that has been surrounding me has lifted some what. 

I was on the verge of tears when getting ready to go the gym last night. I hadn’t felt so anxious about leaving the house. I got in the car. I blasted Bullet for my Valentine. I drove to the gym. 

My friend who is a trainer at the gym asked me if my knees were still bothering me. I said that they were. There were other people around and I didn’t feel able to say anything else. I was worried about getting upset. I knew if I did I would have gone straight home. 

It was so good to feel my anxiety levels lower after doing BodyPump. I then did BodyAttack and this also helped. I didn’t feel self conscious. Exercising had finally distracted me again 🙂

I felt that I might have come across as rude to my friend at the gym. I messaged her, apologising if I seemed rude and explained that I am struggling a lot at the moment. She told me not to apologise, that she can see I have been struggling and understands that I need to be left alone sometimes. She reiterated that she is there for me when I need her. I expressed my worries that I bother her when she is busy. She then said that I don’t bother her and that she sees me as a friend that she is really glad to have made. 

I need to realise how lucky I am that I have such a nice friend. Part of me has seen my gym trainer as just that and not a friend. But the fact she tells me frequently that I am her friend is something I am grateful for. I think a part of me is scared to open up to her fully after what happened recently with so called friends. 

Today I went for lunch with my parents and sister. I had a nice time too. Part of me feels guilty for having a nice time. Like I don’t deserve to because I am not working. 

I feel more positive. The feeling of dread about this weekend isn’t there right now. I am looking forward to spending the weekend with my husband and some good friends. It would be stupid of me to think that my anxiety and depression has gone. I have a long road ahead of me. It’s just nice to have times where anxiety and depression don’t have such an impact me. 

Relaxing, respite and reading

My chill out day on Tuesday resulted in me in tears. I watched some films, read my kindle and tried to relax. I find it hard to relax. I am crying most days. I then find it hard to stop. I cried driving home from the gym yesterday. 

It’s made me think that I might need to increase my medication. I am currently taking 30mg of mirtazapine. Part of me is reluctant to increase the dosage. When I went from 15mg to 30mg I felt really dizzy, spaced out and tired. Maybe I need to consider a different medication. I am definitely going to discuss it with my GP on Monday.

Wednesdays always leave me exhausted. I go the gym in the morning and I do respite for a 12 year old boy with autism and ADHD for 3 hours when he gets home from school. I have been providing respite for this boy for 3 and a half years. He helps distract me but due to the nature of his autism and ADHD I am tired by the time I get home at around 7.30pm. He is a well behaved boy but he is full on. But, I can’t let him down. Every Wednesday he will always say, “I’ve been looking forward to seeing you”. This is such a big deal. Due to his autism he finds it difficult to express how he feels. He has made massive progress and I am so proud of him. I would rather be worn out and tired then to disappoint him by not taking him out. Plus he never fails to bring a smile to my face and to make me laugh. I have had to give up my main job as it was impacting on me in such a bad way. I feel ridiculous that I am essentially only working 3 hours a week.

Before I did respite yesterday I had my counselling assessment appointment. It went ok. If anything it highlighted how much I am struggling. I had to drive to a health centre around 5 miles away from my house. I am not familiar with the area and as such this just added to my anxiety levels. During my appointment I was asked a series of questions. I now have to wait for my first counselling appointment which will be near where I live. 

I was worn out after this appointment. I wanted to go home and sleep before doing respite. I worried that this would be detrimental so I went and got a drink in starbucks and read my kindle. This is a big deal for me. I don’t like being out on my own at the moment. I carry my kindle with me whenever I am out now. I’ve always loved reading and it is something that does help distract me if I am not too tired. 

I have a busy weekend ahead. We are going round to our friends house on Saturday. They have a little boy who is nearly 2 and he is my godson. On Sunday my husband and I are seeing two other friends. Part of me doesn’t want to go out at all. I don’t want any demands on me that socialising inevitably brings. I am still tired all the time. I have had a headache since last night. I am fed up of waking up exhausted. It’s frustrating that I feel so low constantly when I am trying so hard. 

The battle continues…

It is becoming increasingly more difficult for me to be in the gym. I always considered it a sanctuary of sorts so it really upsets me that it is now a source of anxiety. I hate how self conscious I feel. Most days that I go the gym the self conscious thoughts subside as a class goes on. They kept popping back into my head today.

I know that I put pressure on myself. My knees are still not back to normal so I am working out 4 days a week rather than my usual 6. I am hoping this will help my current mental state. I am struggling to fall asleep at night. Most mornings I wake up feeling tired. It’s like I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep. I suffer with night terrors and have done since I was a child. My husband has said I am having more night terrors. I am also talking and shouting in my sleep. I wonder if this is playing a part in my anxiety levels. I am seeing my GP next week so I am going to mention it to him. 

My mood comes crashing down after nice experiences. I then find it hard to get out of it. I feel guilty a lot of the time. I am forever apologising to my husband and he is forever telling me I have nothing to apologise for. I don’t understand why he puts up with all this shit from me. 

Sometimes I really want to talk to someone. But I don’t even know where to begin. I am too scared to fully open up to people for fear of pushing people away. I don’t trust anyone besides my husband. I will not make the mistake of opening up about how I feel. Look what happened when I did – I was talked about behind my back, made to feel guilty and then was on the receiving end of nasty comments. I don’t like to burden my husband. He works long hours and we don’t get much time together as a result. I also don’t want him to feel more helpless then he already does. 

Sorry for the randomness of this blog. It probably doesn’t make much sense. There I go again apologising 😛 Here’s hoping a chill out day tomorrow will help me feel less anxious. I refuse to let my anxiety and depression stop me going to the gym. It has too many benefits including making me feel that I am good at something. I don’t feel that I am good at anything these days. 

Feeling panicky

Is panicky even a word? Anyway, I am only typing this post in an attempt to distract myself. I am at the gym waiting for combat to start. My heart is beating as if I have exercised when I am sat down. My breathing is rapid and shallow. I don’t even know what is making me feel like this. I am contemplating going home and not bothering with the gym today. But I haven’t been out the house since Saturday. 

I really hope that someone comes into the studio that I know. It would be a welcome distraction. I also hope that the class isn’t busy. 

I feel like crying but I’m trying not to. I know if I cry I will just go home without doing any exercise today. I would phone someone but I am worried that will also make me cry.