Tired but awake

It is so frustrating how tired I am yet I can’t sleep. The past few nights I haven’t had enough sleep. I made a conscious effort to unwind and relax tonight. I had a bath and read in bed. I took a sleeping tablet two hours ago yet I am still awake! The annoying thing is I have to be up early as I finally have an NHS counselling appointment at 8.30am. I only have two CBT sessions left so I am going to make sure that the NHS counselling will continue in May. 

So I thought I should use my time awake positively and do a post. 

After a bad few days, my CBT helped massively this afternoon. I experienced this massive wave of anxiety which came from nowhere before going the gym last night. I need to work on ‘pressing my pause button’ and to acknowledge that it is ok to be anxious. My current strategy has been to fight it and not address it. By acknowledging it I can then identify what I need to do to help the anxiety pass. We also looked at the high levels of guilt I experience and negative self talk that I frequently do when I experience anxiety or when my mood drops. We focused on how much I worry and what things I am worried about and strategies to help me worry less. Currently my worries are

  • I will never recover from my current relapse
  • That when I get back from Australia I will have nothing to look forward to
  • Getting a job if I do recover

Only 9 days to go until we fly out to Brisbane! We are gonna pack at the weekend and I am going to do a huge clean of the house one day next week before we go. I want to come back to a tidy house as I think it will help.

I’m getting my hair cut on Friday so it looks nice for Australia. My hair grows ridiculously fast and my fringe is in eyes. I’m also going for lunch with my parents. 

It is my godson’s 2nd birthday tomorrow. He is having a birthday party on Saturday which I am looking forward to. We haven’t seen him for a few weeks as we’ve been so busy. 

4 thoughts on “Tired but awake”

  1. I recently got an app on my phone (android) called Worry Box. They say that you should determine whether your worry is important or unimportant and whether it is controllable or uncontrollable. Then you will be able to decide if you can let worries go or come back to them when you have a solution.

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  2. I truly never thought I would recover from my 2nd psychotic episode. I thought forever I woudl struggle. But I did recover. It took 2 years, though. And alot of patience. I still think I feel symptoms of it, but at the same time, I’m way better off than I was.

    Yes, fighting it and not addressing it is not the best solution. I do this all of the time. I try to deny my mental illness, and keep believing that if I would just think hard enough, I would be able to figure out a way to stop the anxiety, the depression, the mania, all of it. Disconnected thinking, inability to make decisions, lack of motivation to do ANYTHING even just simply taking a shower.

    I haven’t read enough of your blog to know how severe your symptoms are, but from the title of your blog, it sounds like you’ve got the rotten symptoms I described above, if not the mania ones.

    Thank you for liking my blog post.

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