holiday

End of Year Musings

The end of the year normally results in people making resolutions for the year ahead. I’ve never been one to do this. If you want to achieve something, I don’t think you need to resolve to do it at the beginning of the year. 

I do think the end of the year is a good opportunity to reflect on the previous year. As much as I experienced some pretty extreme lows, I want to focus on things I have achieved and the good experiences from 2015.  

So in no particular order:

  • Honeymoon in Australia – being able to spend time in a place I have always wanted to visit was incredible. It was made even more special by Dave’s auntie, uncle and cousins. From taking us to Steve Irwin’s zoo, treating us to a 3 day trip to Sydney and the countless meals out we have some unforgettable memories. 
  • Getting Walter – our amazing little dachshund!!! He has brought so much to my life. My little therapy dog has been a constant companion at  my side since we got him in May. Nothing beats cuddles, walks and playing with Walter. 
  • My 30th birthday/surprise visitor – turning 30 was made extra special by a surprise three week visit from Dave’s cousin from Brisbane. It made me realise that I have some truly amazing people in my life. 
  • Work – Dom has made loads of progress this year. Getting work with Little Miss helped to rebuild my confidence as well as being incredibly rewarding. 
  • Family/Friends – 2015 helped reaffirm to me how I have an amazing family. Dave, my parents and siblings have been so supportive. I have also had quite a few days/evenings filled with laughter with them. I am also lucky to have some fantastic friends who have been understanding and caring when I have told them about my anxiety and depression. 
  • This blog – I started this blog as a way with dealing with my anxiety and depression. I never thought I would be part of such a wonderful and supportive community that has over 400 followers. So thank you to all those who have read, liked and commented on my blog. I appreciate each and every one of you. I talk with some people from here on a regular basis who I consider friends (Vicky and Matt). I’m hoping that this year that Dave, Walter and I get to meet up with Vicky and her partner John. 

Happy New Year!!! I hope 2016 is a great year for you all. I have some potentially exciting blogging news to share with you soon. 

Gemma x

Australia – Part 2

Apologies that this post has taken longer then I anticipated. Things have been hectic since we decided to get Walter. Just when I feel that we have bought everything we need for him we find out that we have forgotten something. 

Brisbane

Our family lived about 45 minutes drive away from Brisbane city centre. We were given the opportunity to explore it   

We drove up to Mount Coottha Summit Lookout. The views over Brisbane were spectacular

  

We then went into Brisbane. We got on the seacat and had a mooch around too.   

     

Australia Zoo

We had a fantastic day at the zoo. Steve Irwin has left such an amazing legacy. Highlights included the show at the crocoseum, holding a koala and baby alligator and getting to feed and stroke kangaroos. The staff were so passionate about their jobs and enjoyed talking to visitors to the zoo. 

   
             

Sydney

During the first few days with our family they completely surprised us. The original plan was that we would go to Sydney with Chris and Shelby. Instead we were treated to our flights and hotel for three nights in Sydney!!! The added surprise was that we would get to spend time with Emma each night in Sydney as she was due to be there for work when we were there. The flights each way were about an hour and a half. Our hotel was in Darling Harbour. This was our incredible view:

   

I really loved Sydney. It was a lot busier than Brisbane. The atmosphere there was great. We saw and climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge. I had concerns that I would chicken out of the Bridge Climb. But it was a fantastic experience. It was so exhilarating and the views were spectacular. We also saw the Opera House and took a ferry over to Manley. 

   

  

  

  

  

  

 

Sydney brought some really nice food too including a trip to Hard Rock Cafe. 

 

Starbucks had dark chocolate moccha fraps. They were lovely!

  

My delicious hotdog and chips on our first night.   

Chocolate and Peanut Butter Icecream

Salted Caramel Macaroons  

 

Dark chocolate churros

  
Dave’s dark chocolate icecream sundae. I ended up finishing it!

The night before our flight home I was given this pandora charm:

   
 

It was such a lovely charm. If you can’t tell it says ‘love’ and ‘family’. I was nearly in tears at how thoughtful it was. 

Dave and I have been talking about possibly emigrating to Australia in the future. We want to go out again and explore the country more ourselves to give us a more realistic view of living in Australia. I know it will be very different being there when you have to go about your normal day compared to being there on holiday. 

  

Australia – Part One

So where to begin about my time in Australia? First of all I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family. Dave’s auntie Shelby, uncle Chris and his cousins Emma and Sam are truly amazing and lovely people. Although they are family through marriage I see them all as my auntie, uncle and cousins. 

Our flights to Australia were fine. Dave and I worked out when we would attempt to sleep in order to get on Australian time (Australia is currently 9 hours ahead). We slept between Singapore and Brisbane. 

We were picked up by the airport from Dave’s family. It was lovely to see them again. When we were driving back to their house Dave gave me this charm for my pandora bracelet:

  
I’m not sure if I have mentioned before but as a wedding present I was given a Pandora charm present. Dave had given me a charm for each year we had been together. Each charm represented something important to me. It is one of my favourite possessions. 

Our family have the most incredible house. They have a deck and a swimming pool. Combine that with lovely weather and this is where we got to relax: 

   

  

    

On our second day we went to Redcliff. It was so nice to be out in the sunshine and walking along the beach:

  
 

Bank Holiday Monday was spent in Seaworld and Movieworld. We ended up in Movieworld for most of the day. Dave booked me on a meet the dolphin experience for two days later as it was all booked up on the day. 

I don’t like rollercoasters but Movieworld was brilliant to walk round. Dave and Emma went on the Superman ride twice and Chris went on Arkham Asylum with them. We all went on the Wild, Wild West ride which was fun. 

   

 

Superman Escape

   

  
  

This is the Wild, Wild West ride

   

Surfer’s Paradise

The beach here was awesome.   

           Chris, Shelby, Dave and I had lunch in this Irish pub. I couldn’t believe that a girl behind the bar was a fellow scouser!

Seaworld/Meet the Dolphin

Seaworld was brilliant. The aquarium was out of this world. I loved the miniature penguins too! I was so excited about the dolphin experience. It was totally worth it. I had to stand on a platform in the water and I got to feed, stroke and shake fins with a dolphin. There are photos of me that Dave took straight afterwards and you can see how happy I am. 

   

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

I will write another post about my time in Australia. I have loads of photos of me from the holiday. I am unsure whether I am comfortable in posting them. Part of me wants to. You can see how happy I am and enjoying myself. It will help to dispel the myth that everyone with depression and anxiety constantly look unhappy. I don’t even know what I am scared of happening if I do post photos of myself on here. 

   

“I’ve missed you”

These three words overwhelmed me today. In a nice way. 

Naturally after a holiday you feel down. I could feel myself slipping back into the darkness of depression and anxiety. There were times when I was away that I had low moments. Maybe I was naive to think that this wouldn’t happen. 

There was a recurring thought that I looked fat and stupid throughout the holiday. It was constantly at the back of my mind whenever I ate. The constant fear about putting on weight chipping away in my head. 

Dave’s auntie turned 50 when we were there. She had a party at the house to celebrate. My anxiety was quite high. I felt out of my depth and that people wouldn’t want to talk to me. I made the stupid decision to have more than one drink. Earlier in the holiday I had drank the odd beer or cider and felt fine. The alcohol heightened my paranoia and subsequently my mood plummeted. I’ve now made the decision to go tee total. I didn’t like the effect alcohol on me. I felt out of control. 

I did have an amazing time in Australia which I will get round to posting about. But being there has opened my eyes to how ill I am. I was experiencing intense hopelessness, anxiety and negativity during one of the best experiences of my life. Depression and anxiety were always there. Waiting for the perfect opportunity to dig their claws in. 

Yesterday Dom’s dad text me to check that I would be taking Dom out this afternoon. He went on to say that he has been bursting with things to tell me. 

So when I get to Dom’s this afternoon he was waiting outside the house for me. The first thing he said was, “Gemma, I’ve missed you!”

Dom has never said anything like this in regard to me EVER! It is a really big deal that he said this. I didn’t expect it at all and it kind of threw me. Other people have told me countless times how much I mean to Dom. I never believed them. 

If only we all had our very own Dominic. Someone to remind you that you are important and valued. Who genuinely misses you when you are not there. 

Busy, busy, busy

Only 3 days until we fly out to Brisbane! This weekend has flown by as Dave and I have both been busy. 

I really enjoyed going for lunch with my parents and sister on Friday. It was nice getting to spend time with them. My hair is now even shorter. My hairdresser was laughing that I keep getting more of the length taken off each time. I now have a graduated bob which is the shortest I have had my hair in a good few years. It is much more manageable and will hopefully mean that I will be cooler in Australia. 

On Saturday was my godson’s 2nd birthday party. We had a good time. I was anxious in the car when driving to our friend’s but I was able to work through it by talking to Dave about it. I am still convinced my godson is autistic. He is really into cars at the moment. There was a lot of repetitive behaviours – moving the cars in a particular way, in a particular order etc. Also, he would lie on the floor and move the cars close to his eyes. He seemed fascinated with watching the car wheels turn. My godson does not talk and there was no imaginative element to his play. Other red flags were that we wouldn’t be singing happy birthday or putting candles on his cake as he is scared of candles and he was scared to open his presents unless you opened it to a point that he knew what the present was. I have thought for a few months now that my godson has autism. But I know it is not my place to broach the subject with my friend. Regardless, Dave and I love my godson. He means a lot to both of us. 

We started packing for Australia when we got back from the birthday party. It was comically to see how much more I am taking then Dave! I normally really hate packing for holidays but it helped me feel more organised and excited. 

Yesterday Dave did overtime at work. I went the gym in the morning. In the afternoon I started cleaning and tidying the house. It’s the first time in a few months I have done a proper clean. It sounds vile I know but I had zero motivation to do housework. It was taking all my energy to even get out of bed on particularly bad days. I feel so much better for doing it, even when I knocked the hoover and its contents spilled over the hall carpet! I managed to not get worked up about it which is a big thing for me. 

I am going the gym tonight. My friend is going to be doing some of my favourite tracks during combat. It was suggested that I make some requests as it is my last Monday at the gym for a good few weeks. 

Tomorrow my brother is off work. He is going to come round to mine and we are going to go out for lunch. Wednesday I am at the gym in the morning and I have Dom in the evening. 

This is potentially my last post before going away. I don’t have any concrete plans to post when I am in Australia. I do plan on taking a lot of photos which I will post at some point. 

Thanks again for taking the time to read, comment and like my posts. It means a lot. Until next time! 

Tired but awake

It is so frustrating how tired I am yet I can’t sleep. The past few nights I haven’t had enough sleep. I made a conscious effort to unwind and relax tonight. I had a bath and read in bed. I took a sleeping tablet two hours ago yet I am still awake! The annoying thing is I have to be up early as I finally have an NHS counselling appointment at 8.30am. I only have two CBT sessions left so I am going to make sure that the NHS counselling will continue in May. 

So I thought I should use my time awake positively and do a post. 

After a bad few days, my CBT helped massively this afternoon. I experienced this massive wave of anxiety which came from nowhere before going the gym last night. I need to work on ‘pressing my pause button’ and to acknowledge that it is ok to be anxious. My current strategy has been to fight it and not address it. By acknowledging it I can then identify what I need to do to help the anxiety pass. We also looked at the high levels of guilt I experience and negative self talk that I frequently do when I experience anxiety or when my mood drops. We focused on how much I worry and what things I am worried about and strategies to help me worry less. Currently my worries are

  • I will never recover from my current relapse
  • That when I get back from Australia I will have nothing to look forward to
  • Getting a job if I do recover

Only 9 days to go until we fly out to Brisbane! We are gonna pack at the weekend and I am going to do a huge clean of the house one day next week before we go. I want to come back to a tidy house as I think it will help.

I’m getting my hair cut on Friday so it looks nice for Australia. My hair grows ridiculously fast and my fringe is in eyes. I’m also going for lunch with my parents. 

It is my godson’s 2nd birthday tomorrow. He is having a birthday party on Saturday which I am looking forward to. We haven’t seen him for a few weeks as we’ve been so busy. 

Talking, walking and sorting

Thank you to all the people who have left some really lovely and encouraging comments on my last post. I wasn’t expecting them at all. I am quick to find the negative in situations and you all helped me see that I was strong and brave to stand up for myself when at times I feel quite the opposite. 

I had my first CBT session last week. It went a lot better then I anticipated. I am not sure if I like the counsellor at the moment. At times she seemed sympathetic and at others she made me feel ridiculous and stupid for the way I think right now. I have three more sessions booked in before going to Australia. 

On Saturday the weather was pleasant. You would think given the UK press that we were experiencing a heatwave. It wasn’t warm. It was sunny and I didn’t need to wear a coat outside. Dave and I took advantage of it and went for a walk around a dam that is about 10 minutes drive from our house:





The fresh air and sunshine on my face felt fantastic. I felt so much calmer. We then went and had a drink in Starbucks. Although it was busy I didn’t feel overly anxious. 

Dave and I have been discussing the possibility of getting a dog when we come back from Australia. The benefits of me being outside were obvious after Saturday. I also think it will give me a sense of purpose having to look after a dog. We are not taking this decision lightly. We still need to discuss it in more detail. Plus currently Dave and I live in a rental property so we would need permission from our landlord. I’m hoping this wouldn’t be an issue with him as we have lived here for coming up to 4 years now and we are not looking to get a huge dog. 

Dave and I went through all our clothes we are planning to take to Australia. I have mostly everything. I just need a few more pairs of shorts and another bikini. Dave needs some more shorts and tshirts. I was supposed to be going out for the day on Friday with a friend. She has had to cancel though so Dave and I are going to get all the clothes we need plus all the other stuff we need (I’ve made a list). I felt so much better when I could see that we don’t need to buy that much. Dave’s auntie has been messaging him about us climbing the Sydner Harbour Bridge today! We have our visas sorted, car park booked and Dave has emailed the airline we are flying with to let them know we are going to be on our honeymoon. 

I went the gym on Saturday. A lot of people spoke to me about the incident with the woman pushing. They were all supportive of me. I found out from my friend that this woman has made someone else who comes to the classes so uncomfortable that she had stopped coming the gym! My friend is away from Wednesday for a few days so I am planning on mixing it up a bit at the gym. Normally I go to the gym on Wednesday mornings but I have decided to go to Insanity and Abs Blast tomorrow night instead. It is not worth the stress of potentially seeing this woman on Wednesday when my friend isn’t running the classes. I have been really up and down mood wise over the weekend so it really isn’t worth it. 

Avoiding people

Being around people is too much for me right now. I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep the all is well with me mask on. The sense of dread I have about going round to our friends tomorrow evening is overwhelming. My friend’s daughter who is 4 will be there. This will probably be a good distraction. It will mean we can’t talk about anything too serious. These friends don’t know about my depression and anxiety. 

The worries about going out or seeing people run through my head a lot. I worry about making a fool of myself or people laughing at me. My self image is still bad. I constantly feel fat and guilty whenever I eat. When I was ill it was even worse as I couldn’t go the gym. It was like I didn’t deserve to eat as I was sat in the house. 

My cold has finally gone. I went back to the gym last night. My knee had been alright until yesterday. I took my respite kid out for the day. I guess my knee didn’t like me being on my feet all day. It feels like the muscles in the back of my knee are tight. I didn’t use any weights during the leg track in pump. I opted for the low impact variations during attack. As much as it annoyed me, my knee would probably hate me if I started doing tuck jumps and burpees. 

I got my hair cut today. I have had a lot  cut off the length. I worry I look stupid and don’t suit it. It’s making me anxious about going the gym and to see our friends tomorrow. 

So I have to wait 7 weeks for my counselling. Really helpful that when I will be in Australia in 7 weeks time. Dave phoning up the counselling service was a waste of time. They phoned me and told me exactly what they told Dave. 

I know that talking about everything in my head will help. I’m in my head a lot and find it hard to snap out of it. I wish I hadn’t told my gym trainer friend about my depression and anxiety. She hasn’t rescheduled lunch with me. It doesn’t make me feel valued as a person. It’s like I am not worthy of her time. 

I’m not going to just moan about how bad I am feeling. I am going to make a conscious to mention something positive each time I blog.

Dave’s birthday is in a few weeks. I’m looking forward to spending some extra time together. Dave hates his birthday and being made a fuss of. He is going to decide if we go out for tea. Knowing him, we’ll probably get pizza in. I have his birthday presents sorted. 

In 6 weeks time we go to Australia for the easter holidays. I cannot wait to get away from here. Some sunshine will do me a world of good. It is actually our honeymoon which we intentionally booked for 6 months after the wedding. I can’t believe how quickly it’s come around. We are staying with family in Brisbane and also hopefully getting to go to Sydney. Dave and I need to go through all our summer clothes so we can see if we need to buy anything else. I am hoping that I don’t need to buy much more. I had to buy loads of summer clothes because of the weight I lost. But I definitely need more bikinis as I only have one.